Where's the Beef?

My husband and I have been married for about a year, and he's always "too tired" to have sex.  This was not a problem before we got married, nor was it a problem the first few months after we married.  I don't get it, and I'm starting to really feel resentful.

41-45, F
7 Responses Aug 29, 2006

A lot of times for men it is about self image. Increase your confidence in yourself and always look good then hopefully he will come around. Also it is about the subtle teasing. Tease in such a way that seems innocent but you are doing it on purpose. Of course, don't just give in if he is showing a little bit of interest. Wait it out until he really starts to show significant interest.

Run while you can. My husband did the exact same thing. I kept hoping it would change. 10 years later I'm in a sexless marriage. Unless he gets help/counseling, you're going to be stuck and frustrated beyond belief.

I would def. suggest marriage counseling. You have to find out the (real) reasons why he is not sexual motivated.

It doesn't mean that he is cheating. I haven't had sex with my husband for 3 years. He has males problems. Let up and give him some room. Ask him to go get a check up. Leave him a note and let him know how you feel. Ther are many reasons a man can't preform.

I agree....cheating is the last thing to consider. Rule out everything else before going down the accusing of him cheating.

I don't know if you can say for sure he is cheating. look for other behavioural differences to indicate that, like guilty gifts, frantic behaviour when you hold his phone or use his computer, increased password security, look at his credit card records for any spending in women's stores for gifts you haven't seen!<br />
be really nice to him and if he is mean or gets angry when you do nice things then you'd have to touch on the subject of cheating with him.<br />
<br />
other reasons he could be disinterested is stress at work, guys find it hard to focus on many things at once and if work is on their mind they can't relax and let that guard down. they aren't sex machines like the world thinks.. they aren't always on like a crazed animal on heat. Life gets in the way.<br />
I have noticed that the more you support and understand.. even if you really don't feel like it and you are resentful - the more trust they invest in the marriage and the more they feel comfortable talking about their feelings. <br />
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you need to fix this, or at least try a few things before you ask about the cheating. watch him closely if you think he is being unfaithful. Men are also visual so if you have put on weight or stopped taking care of yourself as much it could be affecting your sex life. <br />
stay sexy for yourself and that will drive him crazy.

I feel your pain, we've only been married 6 months, and have not even comsumated our marriage!<br />
I feel so alone, and often cry myself to sleep.<br />
Do you feel starved for affection? I sure as hell do.

Technically, you aren't married yet. If the marriage isn't consummated then it is not legal and can be annulled. You will need to decide if you need or want to be in this marriage and if so, then I would seek counseling immediately either for yourself or both of you.

Yes well ..I dont have a husband but I did live with a man for 9yrs...He cheated on me but still had sex with me..but it wasnt "with me" If you know what I mean...he was thinking of her..he told me later... Also before my dad came " out of the closet" he & mum didnt have sex for year's & year's he told me he was trying to give mum the hint without hurting her...WHAT THE ?? Dont wait 9yrs like me Or 30yrs like my mum before you find out... Grap him & pin him against the wall & try to have your wicked way with him... (Condom...please ...just in case) :-) good luck

Have the discussion with your husband. Find out what is his stress, whatever it is. If I were you make the rabbit your best friend for now. Until and if you find out a new friend is warranted. Again, don't stay to fix what he doesn't want to fix. Women, sometimes you need to let it go.

@frenchangel4jr or what is worse is that it feels like you have to beg for sex.

Sorry to hear that. I personally wouldn't wait. The kids will understand when they get older. If you truly feel that your marriage is lost then I believe that the damage is more severe staying in the marriage. Your happiness is important also and you deserve to be happy also.