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Unemployed Spouse

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and what a roller coaster it has been! Since our marriage he has been employed a total of 11 months while I have been busting my *** to make ends meet. I blame him for everything that is wrong in my life and often feel sorry for myself in my current situation. I find myself chronically upset and resentful towards him even when things are not that bad.

As I write, it is the Christmas season and while everyone is joyful, shopping, enjoying dinners out and spending time with family etc., here I sit hoping that I can make the mortgage payment. We both have Masters degrees, and while that is a great accomplishment, we both have massive student debts that the minimums aren't being met on.

I desperately want to have children! Now, any sane person would recognize that things need to change in order to bring another life into this world and I completely agree. But, I am not getting any younger and we already have to undergo IVF to make the dream of family a reality. We have gone through marriage counseling for over a year and while that seemed to improve things quite a bit, the problem still remains....MY HUSBAND IS STILL UNEMPLOYED!

I don't want to live with all of this resentment anymore. I should be thankful for my health and the fact that I do have a roof over my head and food to eat, but the fact that my husband is not pulling his weight is killing me!

I know that I am probably not the only one out there who is going through this but sometimes I just feel so isolated and alone. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!

sweetpea28 sweetpea28 26-30, F 99 Responses Dec 12, 2009

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I myself am currently In a very similar situation to yours. My spouse has been unemployed since July 2013 I have a very well paying job. I am self-employed I am the breadwinner but, I need him to find stable work. Long story short he has absolutely no motivation to even look for a job now for almost 6 months. He is complacent and NEVER re-assures me that he will find work.
This puts so much stress on my shoulders that I cry a lot. I need him to pitch in because my business practice is feast or famine. To put it simply he needs to go back to work, respect my feelings, and we are supposed to be in this together. So why do I feel sooo alone?? If I even gave him job opportunities he brushes me off.
Same here my bio clock is ticking, how much more do I have to give up my dreams? How can I inspire him to go BACK to work so that "I" can live a stable life? The worrying is killing me and he does not have any health or mental health issues. It is pure laziness knowing I will work 3 jobs to support US! If the roles were reversed he would never tolerate me not working. Right now I feel completely lost on how to further my career while all my $3-$5,000 dollars a month is all going straight to the house and him. Eventually, we will lose our home just because he REFUSES to find work.
He is a wonderful man BUT, he is being totally negligent Of his "no job" situation.
I need good advice and tips on how to manage this because we love each other so much. We will never leave one another, I'm confused on why he is not trying?? He is not a depressed person, his confidence is mediocre.
I never ask people for advice it's usually people crying on my shoulder. Now it's my turn I NEED someone else's perspective. THE ADVICE WILL NOT BE TAKEN FOR GRANTED! Anyone out there I will support you on your issues as well.
Thank you all for reading this I need help from caring people like myself.

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We promise to love each other for the rest of our lives, we also plan to get married, but suddenly my love broke up with me without saying anything.My heart was broken and i have no where to turn to for help until i meet DR.ADUWAWA.Who was so nice in helping me get my lover back in a flash.I just wanted to say a big thanks for helping me, THANKS YOU.I have tried other spell casters and they failed me,please i advise you not to waste time contact DR.ADUWAWA now.(aduwawaspiritualtemple1@gmail. com)

I feel your pain. I was foolish enough to have a child with this "man". I think that's the only reason that God brought us together because I love my little one. I want out so bad but I'm such a chicken ****. Plus he's always threatening to take our child. I know he wouldn't have a leg to stand on if we went to court. He's had numerous DUI's which makes it even more difficult for him to get a job. He's got dreams to be this rap star and that's great but he still has a family to support you know. Everyone is saying that it's very hard for the unemployed person. Well as the depression, stress, and frustration of being unemployed with have to come home to a messy house after working 8-10 hour days. Put food on the table, pay bills, and still having nothing to show for it. I think those who are chronically unemployed should at least be kind enough to walk away so the person that was supporting them through many years of their laziness can move on and be happy. We can do bad all by ourselves.

My husband and are in our 2nd year of marriage and he lost his job shourtly after we got mairried. He is disabled, in a wheel chair with no education beyond high school and has full sleeve tatoos. Not very hireable. He'll be 38 next week and resume includes years off and on at Walmart and 2 years at a Pot dispensary. Now he's unemployed again. He went to school for 2 quarters and then dropped out, not finishing the 2nd quarter. I have 2 boys and I am the sole money maker. My youngest son's bday is tomorrow and I have all of $34 to get us to the end of the month. This is extremly frustrating and I am full of resentment. He's asking for my love, affection, compassion and sex but I'm finding it nearly impossible to give all of that on top of everything elseI do for him. I believe in God and trust Him, but does he really think this is the best situation for me and my boys? The more I give my husband the less I can give my boys. Of course I should have thought of all this before I got married, but I jumped right in because I love him.

Like Michael jackson said.." You are not alone" I know & am experiencing the same thing that you are going through, I too love my mate, but pulling all the weight my self can be very overwhelming & feel like banging my head against a concrete wall. Continue to pray, thats what keeps my sanity & have faith that things may change. I guess its called being patient, waiting for a breakthrough..but in the meantime, like they tell me, keep your head up!!!

Have faith. I just ended my engagement with someone I loved dearly. Our relationship fell apart over my unemployment. It was awful to see the pain it caused her. She worked so hard. I took care of her kids, the house, and tried to find a career (had my own business for 10 years), then I was underemployed for a year, which I left to go back to school, I tried getting jobs, I tried getting low paying jobs (and was told I was over qualified), I began getting depressed... because it is depressing. I moved slower... I was terrified. So then I moved even slower. The she began the put downs of me. I didn't sleep at night. But I kept moving. In February I was asked to leave. I had been put down, called a con man, said I was dishonest & was insinuated that I was having affairs (during the day when my self-esteem was somewhere around my ankles)... (FYI I don't drink, no drugs). It was heartbreaking. I had a lead on a couple of jobs, but in her eyes I was just a liar.

The day I left I received the best job offer I had gotten in ten years. My base is my fiancés salary and my bonus can be more than double my base. I thought what a waste of energy fear is. We had this awesome relationship. I listened to everything. I always tried to be positive and supportive for four years. She used to be that way towards me, but she got terrified, by a terrifying experience for both of us. Could I have done better? Probably there are things, but it is vicious emotionally going through unemployment. I was not myself.

If you have a good man, have faith in him. Your faith in him when he is down is what will get him up.

This is the worst job market since the great depression. Keep this in perspective. Many people I know have lost their way of making money and the job they find replaces half of what they make, if they find a job. The pain is excruciating. Love the other person, talk them up, tell your friends what I great person your other is and that they would be great working anywhere. It is a heck of lot better than what we went through.

Spend your energy building the weaker person up instead of anger & fear.
Tell your friends what a great person you are with and tell them anyone would be better of with that person working for them. The alternative is above and it was just a complete waste of energy.

Good to have someone give a different perspective.
I was ok with his lack of income and ambition... Until I had a baby. I'm now terrified what will happen if anything happens to me and the baby is left without any money. I'm terrified of him falling ill. he's inactive, doesn't take care of his health, drinks almost daily (and would if I don't kick up a big fuss) and I will have to support him in his medical bills. Prices of things are going up everyday. I'm afraid of not having enough money to send my kid to school. And he complains that I'm nasty and makes his life difficult by talking about money every other day. I'm just plain scared and feel very alone in this marriage. I know I'm irrational but I can't help myself.

Got it. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's an awful place.

Here is a saying that has served me well. "Fear knocked, faith answered and no one was there." Fear will kill your life, even more than your husbands situation. Fear makes bad decisions for you. Fear will still be with you even after your husband is gone. Fear is making you both alone in your marriage. And you hit the nail on the head... it is irrational. For your own sake you have to help yourself with the fear to make a good decisions. No matter how far you run.... it will always be with you until you beat it. There is no magic pill.

I can only go from my own perspective. When I was struggling to get back up, it felt like a ton of bricks was on my chest. Half of the struggle was getting those bricks off my chest so I could breath and function correctly. When this guy was helpless with unemployment it was hard to do simple things. My esteem was really low. I had faith and knew this was temporary, but the day to day battle was tough. It was extremely hard for me to watch the woman I loved go through pain because of me. It tore me apart to see that happen to someone I love. We would have the same money pressures and I would get a recap every night, and the resentment and the ... well you now the rest. You are ticked off at the situation. The key thing to remember is... he is in the exact same boat as you, he's scared - he's just showing it differently. When you both can acknowledge the fear, it's half the battle.

Write down why you love or loved this guy. See if you still do... do this without fear. Tell him this is why I love you. When your mind is screaming you lazy $$%W# tell him that you are really scared right now, but you believe that he will get through this and we will get through this. Look him dead in the eyes when you say this. Then ask him to do one thing for you tomorrow... DONT MAKE A LIST. It could be clean the house. It could be write a list of places he's applying to. It could be two business's that that he can walk into and tell them he is the best person they could hire. Ask him to walk around the block for a workout. Call him in the middle of the day and ask him how it is going. Then listen. Do the same thing the next day. Tell him that you need him to do that thing... whichever one it is, so you know that he loves you.

If you are not with a sack of ..... he will do this for both of you. Telling him you love him and believe in him will yield results, if you have a good man. You already know what you have with fear and anger. And by all estimations it is a pile of garbage in your head that is killing you... and most likely him. Your guy has no traction right now. By doing that your telling your man that you love him. If you do this every day for a bit of time, you'll find he can do more. Then you'll start to get out of the ditch. If he doesn't change... you'll also have your answer. But the high road is much easier.

Your having a gut check right now. Someone gave me this saying a few weeks ago. "In relationships, women show there true colors when their man is down, and a man shows his true colors when he is on top of the world.

Dissolution... figure out which woman you want to be. That's what will make your life better. With or without your husband.

I hope that helps.

I absolutely can identify with this as I am in almost the exact same position. My fiancee kicked me out of our home 6 weeks ago because I only have a part time job, and have been unable to find full time work for just over a year, unable to contribute to the bills. He basically told me to leave and come back when I do have work.

It is a dreadful situation to be in, and yes I do think this is one of the worst economic depressions we have seen. The amount of stress it can put on you, not finding work is terrifying. I can't remember the last time I felt a sense of confidence in myself.

The put downs and criticism were hard and fast. And I can't tell you how many times I was told by him that he resented me. He called off our wedding four times in a year, and just continued to keep me on a yoyo, one week he would be perfectly loving, then the next week the resentment would kick in and the insults would start. It has been the worse experience of my life.

I am a professional and have a good working background, and at the moment I clean toilets part time just so I have some kind of work, even if it barely pays my gas to get there. Unemployment is one of the hardest things a soul can bear, and I have to agree that depression is a HUGE part of it. Please try to remember people that although you are financially bearing the strain, the person in unemployment literally has NO power over their life at all....No way of getting out of the house and having a social life, no way of choosing what they eat for dinner, or breakfast, no choices, no spaces, and then on top of that to have to listen to insult day after day? I don't know anyone who would choose that life for themselves willingly.

Try to be patient, support, love nuture, treat them as though they DO have a paid job, with respect. You can bet your bottom dollar they are beating themselves up everyday more than what you could imagine.

I can't explain how much this experience with my partner has destroyed me. The heartbreak, and sadness is literally enough to drive myself anyway almost to suicide. But I continue to hold my head up high, and even now while I am sleeping in caravan parks, and still recieving nasty put down texts, I KNOW I will find my shining star somewhere, and get back into paid employment.

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I want to share my testimony and also thank prophet Adams for what he has done for me, Am so happy today and i have stopped thinking. After my husband Rick left me for another woman because I can't give him a baby and that he hates me, i cried because i really loved Rick with all my heart. Then i decided to come online and look for a spell caster to help me bring back Rick, Until God directed prophet Adams to me. When i met prophet Adams i was thinking his not real, But he told me to give him a chance that what will he gain if he adds more pain to my pain,That all he want his my happiness. So i decided to give him a chance, and he told me that Rick will be back to my arms within 48hours and I will be pregnant and have a baby,i said okay truly when prophet Adams casted this spell my lover Rick called me and said he wanted to tell me something i was shocked, He told me that i should forgive him, That he loves me with all his heart and promise never to leave me till the rest of his life. Prophet Adams also told me that ones Rick comes back to me he is going to buy me a gift. Rick Bought me a Brand New Car, And i also had access to his account to prove to me that he will never leave me and now am pregnant. You can contact prophet Adams for any kind of help and he will never disappoint you. His email - dradamsjohnsoncentre12@gmail. com

I really know how you feel. I seethe with resentment often, and try very hard to remember all the things I am grateful for, but the pain and frustration remain. My husband was self-employed, doing contractual work when we met 15 years ago. I found the lack of stability difficult, but was able to cope. Now for the past 5 years he has hardly worked at all. We fell deep into debt, and I used a small inheritance from my mom's death a year and a half ago to pay it all off. Now we are slowly heading into debt again and it kills me. He drives me to work, keeps the house spotless and cooks and is very hard working (when he has a job) but has very low self-esteem and confidence therefore has a very hard time to go out and look for work. (Definitely suffers from untreated depression/anxiety.) I have thought of leaving. But then I realize that I will be no better off financially and my kids won't have their father. I love him, but I have become very frigid. It's just so hard. Feels like I am in prison, waiting for my time to be served. We just can’t advance in life or dream or even think of any projects when we are barely getting by. Not very encouraging, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Same thing here. I love my husband, and he is helping around the house and with our daughter, but I feel like we are struggling to survive instead of thriving. I really resent the fact that he isn't more aggressive with his job search. I guess it is just really hard when the pressure of earning and covering bills is on one spouse (husband or wife), without mutual agreement.

I have been married for 18years. My husband had worked only around 8years (scattered). Im earning 20k per month in India and making the family run.He enjoys his semi retire ment life happily .What to do? My son has to join in prof college next year. I dono hw am i going to admit him? Dont think of anything much. let life go as it is..i say the same to myself and now to u too

We promise to love each other for the rest of our lives, we also plan to get married, but suddenly my love broke up with me without saying anything.My heart was broken and i have no where to turn to for help until i meet DR.ADUWAWA.Who was so nice in helping me get my lover back in a flash.I just wanted to say a big thanks for helping me, THANKS YOU.I have tried other spell casters and they failed me,please i advise you not to waste time contact DR.ADUWAWA now.(aduwawaspiritualtemple1@gmail. com)

Hi, I am also living with a husband that has been unemployed for almost a year. Unemployment funds ended in September of last year. I also find myself angry and resentful, because he is not pulling his weight financially. We don't have sex at all and even though he has gone on three or four interviews, no hiring has come. I pray to God because I truly love my husband but I don't know how much more I can take.

I'm glad your husband is at least going on interviews, he's trying. It is very frustrating though, when the weight of the household is entirely on your shoulders.
As for sex, I don't feel so bad saying now that no, we're rarely having any, but I am tired and his excuses are a big turn off for me.

I understand completely. I've been married for 13 years and he's worked maybe 3 years (scattered).
Two years ago he had a stroke, but is fully recovered and uses that as his current excuse.
To add insult to injury, he's terribly jealous of my being out in public while he's stuck out in the boonies where we live.
The combination of stress, financial insecurity and isolation is absolutely exhausting.
I wish I had an answer for you. Lots of people will say "leave the bum", but that's not a solution to repair a struggling relationship. You just have to decide what you are willing to accept to make it work and if perhaps you truly cannot see a secure future with him and walk away to create the life you truly want and can achieve on your own.
Tough call, as love does tend to cloud our decision-making processes.
Best of luck

I've been married for 26 years, for the past ten my husband has not tried to work very much. An extremely talented general contractor my husband, has used the economy issues as an excuse to sit on his butt watching tv and surfing the internet in the office in our home. When the economy crisis was at its peak I sold all of our extra assets to keep our home and started a house cleaning business which has grown to full time for me. My husband stayed in his semi retired way. If your staying with someone thinking they will change - they won't

Well I'm not married but hope to be at some point in my life time. It's been a never ending line of guys who consider themselves as "men" whom can't take care of really anything. Now I'm not saying males are the only ones that aren't capable of doing their part, there are just as many women out there doing the same. It's just amazing to me how many "men" my age could careless about how they want their lives to end up like. Ambition is one thing that I wish I could find in a "man". I am currently in a relationship with a "man" who is still living at home with his mom. He is 31 years old. Now to a lot of people, it seems weird. These days, it's not unusual. It has gotten really hard out there to afford something "descent" by yourself. Anyways, we have only been dating not quite 9 months. Although we have known each other for about 11 years now, I now know why I never wanted to being a relationship with him. I can say that there are a lot of things about him that I do love, he treats me good and he's always tried to pay in equal with me, which is great but there are more things to a relationship than just the loving and caring. When we first got together, he had just been in a car accident and was out of work for 2 months. In those 2 months, his cell phone was turned off, which isn't that much of a necessity. He then returned back to work where he thought he was doing good. To him good was he had a job, to me good would be to have a job AND pay your bills that you couldn't pay before. Not too long after returning to work, he gets fired. Fired for ridiculous reasons, ones that could have been controlled. So he is out of work for a couple weeks, then finds another job. Starts this job, loves it. He is there for a few weeks and gets fired yet again for foolish reasons, once again, reasons that could have been controlled. So now we are at our 8ish month being together. Now for me, I wouldn't have much of an issue with him if this "getting fired" thing was just something that happened recently...yeah no...this has been going on since he could first start working. He's had so many different jobs, getting fired, or he quit, one job he got into an accident from texting and driving. So amusing. So now he has been out of work for over a month and though it doesn't seem like that long of a time, it does only because it seems like he is only trying to get jobs that he has worked at before. Seems like he is also waiting for someone to offer him a job. This is the big kicker.....he looks forward to getting married and starting a family. How is this going to happen if you are not willing to stick to something and get on track? Now for me, I have a descent job that I have been at for almost 8 years. This is only because I started at the bottom and worked my way up. I have switched positions and started new ones. I am currently going to school part time so that I can get a degree because I do not have one and I know it will help out along side of the experience I have so far with my job. I unfortunately do live at home and that is due to making a mistake and moving in with someone who promised things and just did not have the ambition to stick with something and keep it that way. So I ended everything and paid to get out of everything. Even though it set me back and I had to move back home, I took care of my business and I learned a BIG lesson. I vowed to never get into something with someone unless they are willing and have the ambition to get what they need and want no matter the consequences. I already have it set in my mind that if I was to lose my job tomorrow, I would get the first job I could get whether is was working at mcd's or wherever. It may not be the dream job, but it'll be something to keep me from losing what I do have. I am not a perfect person and I do what I can for everyone but providing, stability, and ambition are 3 things that I have to have in a relationship. I will never be a stay at home mom. Could careless to be, I enjoy working, but I do not want to take care of someone else unless it is my own flesh and blood.


Now i saw some comments from men who were outraged at some of the women's comments. I can understand because it seems like this is mostly against men. But what I find funny is that we are so used to thinking "oh the women should be in the kitchen and taking care of the kids"...well folks, that is just not happening anymore. I see more and more women as the providers and most of them are ok with that. I don't mind being the one who brings home the more green, but not if the other person is not capable of contributing, and that goes with anything. All of this is against women and men. I have only been out of work once for a couple of months before i found another job. I quit my previous job and it took me a couple months to find the one that i am at. I am thankful that I did find it because it has brought me to a better place.

So for me, yes relationships do take work and my bf proceeds to tell me that If i loved him enough, i would stick through it. Now yes, I do love him dearly, but I don't feel as though I deserve to be with someone who wants a family and kids, but doesn't have the ambition to do what he needs to do. So if that's being selfish, so be it. This has been the one thing I struggle with every relationship. Ever boyfriend i have had, could careless about making something out of themselves, I look into the future as well as now and the future just doesn't look promising.

I am in the same situation now. My husband has no work. He only drink. If he has no money anymore, he will het a partime work under the table, and drink again. Now I went here in Europe to be with him. I am from Asia. And we have been living in the luggage in three years. We have no children yet. And now I feel so alone here because they speak their own language, i dont understand anything (though I learned a bit of the language). And I am so cold in here. Now we are living with his mother, and he still has no work. He has a very good and long experience in engineering, and he is a good man when he is sober. Pls help me by givig me advice what to do. Btw, I am 28 and he is 48.

I am so sorry for you -- it has got to be awful feeling like you have no friends, stranded in a foreign place. Shame on him for isolating you like that and then abandoning you so he can drink himself into a stupor. The only "advice" I have to give is to suggest you are doing the right thing by not getting pregnant. He does not sound worthy of you. He is choosing alcohol over you. That is is first love: his addiction. You have every right to walk away.

I am a guy and going through the exact same thing and feel the same way. I first moved my 2 infants from NY to CA for a better life and under an agreement with my wife that we would both work and even found and apartment 1 block from the best day care center. That was all a lie, she refused to work, we could barely pay our bills and ended up working 2 jobs at 75 hrs a week, after 11 months couldn't take any more of the mental and emotional stress she put me in that we moved back to NY, feel such a failure, betrayed, lied to. My kids went from a 1100sqft apartment to a 700sqft and they can barely have room to run and play. Even back in NY she hardly looks for work, always an excuse, doesnt clean, rarely does the laundry and I am just fed up, depressed and stressed, that due to all this stress I have now high BP, High Cholesterol, Memory problems, and resentment so im on meds to help me relax. Can any Please provide with some information as to what I do at this point because I want a better life for me and the kids, there everything to me.

I am going through the same thing, my husband makes bad decisions, gambles money off, asks me to buy high price studio equipment, pay for gas, pawns his equipment, asks for expensive cars that require high price maintenance. He likes to act like he's got money and prides himself by keeping his appearance up!!

He brags to his friends & others about us moving to another city but we don't have any money! I'm the only steady income that we have! I'm too tired of him not working!!!He gets easily offended when I tell him needs to get a stable job! He said he used to be homeless, that's hard for me believe! His drive, ambition, and motivation are extremely low!

He works part time, and recently got an offer on a stable job contingent upon him passing the drug test & 2 other tests. He deliberately missed the first appointment to take the drug test but when I got very upset and told him this marriage wasn't going to make it, he called the company back and got a second appointment for the drug test etc. He's extremely frivolous and doesn't like me telling him what to do. He often calls me bossy, pushy, and controlling. And says " you treat me like a child!"

Remember, I'm already frustrated w/ the fact that he's not working. So, he only calls the company back because he says "if you want me to do it, ok, I'll do because it's what You want." HE IS LAZY AND HAS NO STRUCTURE!

He loves seeking employment with temporary agencies, which means, they only call him when they need him. Rather than look for a job to be a provider for his family or help himself recoup some accounts that are delinquent.

He's complaining that the new job's hours are too long and he doesn't want to be away from home at night, sometimes they may have to work 16 hours. But he was complaining about the part time job because they don't give them enough hours. However, this is the job he loves!

Here I am on five hours of sleep again. My husband has been unemployed for well over a year. I am a business owner who built her business from scratch over 17 years ago. I also have a modest secondary income from my intellectual property that makes me anywhere from $200 - 400 a month. Even though I am doing better than I have ever done in my life, I have resigned myself to moving back in with relatives about seven months from now. I only hope I can last that long. My savings account is drained. It will be a miracle if I can make ends meet for another half a year.

It's not my husband's fault he lost his job. His company, which was run very badly, closed. He is not blameless in this, however. He had a very relaxed attitude towards finding work for the first ten months of his unemployment, during which he slept until three in the afternoon and basically goofed off and blissed out. I have come to a full sink of dishes, carpeting that goes without vacuuming for weeks, and unlaundered clothes more times than I can count. You would think with all that free time, he might spare enough to do more than fifty percent of the household chores. No deal. He does about ten percent of the household chores. As for things he's good at: He's an exceptionally talented person who has more ideas than drive. He can do almost everything yet he is waiting around for someone to employ him. I honestly do not understand it at all. What has soothed me about this thread is learning that degrees don't matter. He doesn't have one but from what I have been reading here, degrees do nothing save overqualify you and put you in deep debt.

I love him. I honestly do. I'm still going to leave unless he takes the reins and picks himself up by the bootstraps. Painful as the past year plus has been, this has shown me a great deal about myself. As much as I might love my mate -- this is my first and only marriage and if it does not work out, I'm effing done with men for life -- I am not willing to live out of my car for him. A series of bad decisions has led him down this road. At first, he was seduced by the idea of easy money. Many years ago, we went bankrupt because of his bad decisions, which tanked my credit. He made a few more bad decisions, including the one to sleep until three p.m. instead of using the opportunity of massive free time to make money on side jobs, selling crap on eBay, going around as a fix-up man, ANYTHING, and here we are.

I understand how hard it is to find a job these days, however, I started my own business with no dollars. I drove to people's homes and it was inconvenient, awful, irritating, and frustrating. I dealt with the frustration and now my business is the only thing that is keeping a roof over his head.

Do I resent him? Yes, a bit. It doesn't change the fact I love him and always will. That said, I strongly believe we're headed for divorce. It's sad that money has to interfere with love. Perhaps if he won the lottery tomorrow, we'd be fine. Maybe we'd just have a different set of problems. Who knows?

Hi, I truly feel for you. Like your husband and yourself my husband has 4 degrees. We have been married now for 15 years and it is the last 14 months that have seen me go through horrendous times. Firstly I support this family, secondly my inlaws are a constant negative in our marriage, earlier on this year I was diagnosed with depression of which I got myself off the tablets as I am epileptic, I got myself a temporary job of which all was going well but then that finished and now I am back at home under the same roof as my husband and picking up all of his negativity. I am really starting to hate myself and him for the position I am in. I understand your comments about this time of year. My birthday is on the 28/12 and it will be 13 years on the 27/12 since mum passed away. I cannot get excited by Christmas particularly with where my head space is at the moment and moreover I just cant seem to pick myself up and keep on. I am lucky that I have my friends and can talk to them but at the end of the day I still have to come home where the turmoil is. Lorraine.

I would like to come at this from the other side of the fence, just so maybe I can get someone to see things from a different perspective.

I think financial worries are possibly the biggest breaker in a relationship. My partner and I are going through the very same thing, only it is me that is unemployed. I was employed by a person who promised me certain things and then reneged and shifted away from signing contracts over a year then suddenly dropped me in it one day. Prior to this I was studying when I met my fiancee so also didn't have a steady wage, although before meeting him I had great employment for ten years. This situation has been extremely difficult on our relationship and I have tried for the past year to not only start a business but also to work part time and find work, none of this has been fruitful enough for me to help my partner out.

It is so difficult from the point of view of someone that is unemployed. My confidence is nil to none and I feel most days as though I beat myself up and feel like I have failed at everything. I have contemplated suicide more times than I can imagine and the sad part about it, is that the person I love most I can't talk to about it as he resents me so much. He has berated me in the past few months about how much weight I have put on, how untidy I am and how I leave the house slobby, the fact that I haven't gotten work means he doesn't respect me. He most recently got mad at me because another girl mentioned she had looked for work at a shop and because I didn't think of this first, he stewed on it until he eventually exploded. I can't talk to him about anything, I mean anything at all without it getting thrown in my face that he supports me and I just need to stop being a nagging ***** face. I know majority of this is because he has such a huge resentment toward me and he doesn't feel I am trying. I have spiralled into the most intense depression from it.

I think its easy to look from the outside at people and think they aren't trying, when in reality it is an absolute confidence killer to have this happen. I most days literally feel as though I am the scum of the earth. I hate myself and all of this just escalates the situation and probably makes it worse when trying to find work.

Talk to your partners ladies, make them feel loved and work together on this situation. No one purposely tries to make someone pay their bills. In fact it is the hardest feeling not having your own independence. I'm not sure if my relationship can be saved as I think I may just have to move out and try to find work overseas and say goodbye to something that isn't working but If I can give advice all I can say is talk talk talk, try not to blame, it only makes the situation much harder on a person that already feels like the scum of the earth. It is hard for both parties.

It feels comforting to know that I'm not in this alone. I got married in July this year but for the past year, my husband has been unemployed. He lost his job while we were planning our wedding and its been rough. I thought to leave him during the engagement but what type of woman would that make me?In addition to paying for the wedding, I've had to pay all the bills,rent, prevent us from eviction, get us a car (we share one), pay insurance... up to the point that I cant even take care of myself. I cant go shopping, I can't do my hair, I cant do anything pleasing for myself because there is always a bill to pay. I keep asking God what lesson he is trying to teach me.... I dont understand. I've become irritable, resentful, depressed and controlling. He says I ***** and nag which hurts me to hear because I don't want to be a nagging wife. I'm becoming someone else and I don't like it. He has been applying for jobs but no call backs.He's taking IT classes now. His masters Degree from Georgetown has done almost nothing but land him in debt from student loans. I pray we get a breakthrough soon before I self destruct. I would like to enjoy being a newlywed and for us to finally go on our honeymoon. .....am I asking for too much?

My situation is the same, except, he won't work at jobs he doesn't like. During the planning of our wedding, He had the nerve to want an old Mercedes, which I had to put $1000 down and just had to pay the car notes and the car insurance! We have only been married 91 days...

You are not alone and I pray for your husband to get a job to fulfill his duties of a husband, which is providing. I am 'engaged' to a man that lost his job 3 years into the relationship, I did not and still don't feel comfortable marrying him while he is not able to provide. I don't feel that that makes any sense. We live together but I feel that it is best that he moves out and goes to another state to find work so he can support a family. He keeps asking me to marry him, I dont know what knd of man asks a woman to marry them when they have nothing to offer or are not able to take care of a family. I do not want the stress of an equally yoked marriage, where one partner cannot produce. The Lord promised me an abundant life not one full of lack, stress, foreclosure, bankruptcy, no car, never go out, cannot travel anywhere nice with him. I want out of this relationship. I don't care what kind of woman people think I am. It's my life on the line here. I love him but i need a man who can take care of himself and is able to take care of me so I don't have to bear all the bills and burdens. That is what a man is supposed to do. I will not marry him in this condition and I think it is unfair and stupid of him to keep asking me to marry him. He was not always like this, he went through a divorce that left him broke for the most part, but at least he was working. HE has so much baggage, he is too heavy for me to carry. If it was not the grace of the Lord holding me up, he would have already driven me into the ground of debt, but my Lord has kept me and is supplying all my needs.

sorry have no answer.

but I see many people that think or feel they are too god to work for some wages they have a masters
yes thousands of jobs have gone over seas that is a sad fact sense NAFT went into effect

is it the man reason I do not know I do know that I have worked from the age of 8 just like many others my age

sure I make less money know then I have in the past but that is my choice I just got tired of putting my life on the line I got tired of chasing death all over the world

there are jobs out looking for help most just do not want to take the time to learn the skills for them for the young people coming up
a saturation diver or saturation welder will make 50k a week

I too resent my husband of 18 yrs. Hee had a great job for 12 of those years while I raised our three kids and did EVERY thing around the house and ran a cleaning business on the side. Now he has been unemployed gets kids off to school and does some auto side jobs but that is it I help hime with the auto work do ALL the house work including any painting or maintenence. And I am a school bus driver. I am the main income and still have to take any side job I can for us to make it he is apot smoker and a drinker. And finds nothing wrong with his lifestyle. I guess not! Must be nice to still act like a child at 40! I just don't know what to do I'm exhausted. Not to mention I have fibromyalgia which doent make any of this any better. He won't even acknowledge that. Those who think you can't do everything yourself? Well some of us are doing it

I am living with this too...and my husband works hard around here, has 3 degrees and worked for himself for many years...he has been trying and trying but nothing !!! Too overqualified or too under qualified. Blame the economy and the government! When they stop sending our jobs overseas this might end. There was a time when anyone could get a job... those days are done... I am fearful for my children. I know so many people under employed or with out a job at all.. including my kids!! Its a sad thing.

It's hard. I'm a guy though and my wife won't work. We moved to a new state last year and had the agreement that I would get a job first to get us to the new state, then she would look for one once we got here. I work in a field that is fairly easy to find work, which was why we agreed I'd get the first job. Anyhow, since we've been here she's hardly looked at all. Our credit is suffering so the idea of ever owning a home is going out the door. I suffer from constant back pain due to the stress of our finances and have at times, experienced tightness in my chest lately. I'll come home from work to find out that she's made a purchase of some sort (such as a $160 vacuum cleaner), yet thinks it's no big deal because she charged it on her credit card. Hmmm, who will have to pay that bill since she's not working?? I've thought about opening up a checking account under my own name to deposit my check into, and only giving her enough money for gas throughout the week. We'll fight about money, then she will tell me she'll find a job. She'll look for a couple of days, then we are back to her no longer looking. I had to go without lunch during the workday yesterday, because we couldn't afford the food. I'm working a job I hate just to bring home money that still isn't enough. It's hard and I have no clue what to do. I love her, but feel as if I've aged years since we moved her a year ago. I'm almost 40 and feel I have a lot of life ahead of me. I don't want to shorten it by stress. How can I make her find a job to help me??

You know there are tons of nice guys out there looking for partners. I always paid my way, support my wife where i can and pay support. I am sure there were some signs at the beginning of the relationship that people chose to ignore. You married, you own it, you dont like it, make the decision, but please dont label every guy because of the experience you had with your husband and the choice you made. Not all men are like your husband.

<p>My heart goes out to all of you. I am you -- but you 30+ years later. My advice: Be sure you are 100% committed to making this work and that your children can see you doing it somewhat joyfully and do not let them see the disdain you have for their Fathers. Be sure that the influence and example these men are having on your children will not be passed down generationally -- it will be if you do nothing. You will be passing on the misery otherwise and ruining not only your future but your childrens if you do nothing to turn things around. This will mean taking a huge risk though. If you really love them and want to stay together and this is not an abusive relationship in any way you may have to do what I have finally had the guts to do: Take away your financial support and let them suffer the consequences -- yes even if that means losing your home and everything else. They must have ZERO access to money you earn. Make arrangements to temporarily remove yourself and your children from your home if at all possible -- no it will not be easy. Yes, there is a 50/50 chance he will either realize his loss and work to get his act together - permanently -- or he may just find someone else to pay his bills. No -- do not do this if you KNOW your husband has sincerely been trying to find work and has been contributing to the household in some other way and you know he still loves you and is still committed to you and your children and is doing what he can. YES do this if he has NOT made any effort and refuses to make his presence of some value to you and your children or plan for the future (cleaning, cooking, doing volunteer work, going to school etc) for a very long time. I have been the primary wage earner in my family for 35 years. Now I am unemployed and hoped he would step up after 10 years total unemployment and most years of underemployment throughout our marriage but in a low paying (min wage after taxes job he loved that was really part-time - paramedic). I justified it because he tried to contribute in other ways and felt this was lifetime committment. It still is but he HAS to step up as I may not find work quickly again at my age. He knows what he must do to bring me home:<br />
<br />
(1) I need to know he clearly cares enough about me/loves me (not my income) to be willing to contribute fairly and to the best of his ability financially -- does not have to be equally and that he will pick up his end of the household duties again (100% dropped last 4 years).<br />
<br />
(2) He must get the training/education psychological/spiritual help and accountability he needs to make this happen ASAP.<br />
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(3) He must not become a leach on our adult children.<br />
<br />
(4) He must continue to work through the 12 step program for *********** addiction that he started the month after I left (be sure this is addressed -- huge problem for unemployed/depressed/bored men -- it is probably is NOT just internet games).</p><p>Until he can accomplish this I will draw unemployment and job hunt and stay with family/friends and will not pay his bills any longer -- period. I am going back to clean out the house once a week and get it up for sale ASAP and update on how he is doing. I love this man and know he CAN choose to be more than he is right now and he has been in the past but every Dr./Counselor we have seen has made it clear I could not nag/force him into it he had to WANT to do better. I was exhausted, stressed and miserable and watching him slowly let himself die - not an exageration as his health and mental welfare is suffering from just doing nothing. I can not do this 10 more years.</p><p>The good news -- in my case he is doing all the things above (although slowly) and I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I too am getting professional counseling (from a friend) to get me through this time and have 3-4 close friends who are encouraging and a great prayer support. I suggest you find a great church and/or support group to help you deal as well. My faith has gotten me through the last 35 years and I believe we can have a few more good years together. But I could not let it continue to go horribly downhill as it has the past 15-20 years and the resentment anger control me and harm our family.</p><p>Are you up for the battle? That is what it will take -- are you ready to FIGHT for your marriage? Every successful marriage has had one partner who has decided they WILL fight for the marriage whatever it takes. If not, maybe you should give up. I still have no guarantee this will pay off and it has been 4 months now but am trusting in God to get me through either way and my hope and joy is slowly returning :) BUT TAKE ACTION and do not sit there and hate him and pity yourself. My prayers go out to each of you I know your pain.</p>

Gee I wonder if all you self proclaimed women would support your solutions if the tables were turned and the wife was the lazy one??? I work my a** off and provide EVERYTHING for my lazy fat *** wife and she can't even wash the car I provide her with. She wont get a job and can't even remember the balance in the bank because she is so lazy she won't keep a register. Should I get rid of the loser???

Why did you let her get that way ?.

Oh aren't you just a fountain of inspiration Pmacphoto. Sarcasm 101...look it up.

Even though this is a dead thread the facts are that unemployment and the mental and emotional harm due to rejection is growing. Pulling yourself up by the boot straps is made even harder by a nagging or unsympathetic spouse that may be harboring negative feelings that go well beyond the unemployment. The point is that if a spouse is unable to provide for their family, even short term, it creates an huge feeling of failure and having a significant other that is unsupportive compounds the feeling. Giving up is very common as is severe depression.

If you truely love someone you will do everything in your power to assist that person. If that person is unable to help themselves are they then disposable? Mental disabilities are just as devestating as physical ones. The problem is that women have been trained by society for generations to be taken care of and supported financially. As they have taken on the roll of financial provider they have not developed the other responsibiites and loyalties that come with being a sole income. Men are just as culpable in the fact that they have been taken care of by women and do not have the loyalties to do "womans" work when they are not able to provide financial support any more.

This is a circle of failure on both sexes and until it is overcome by emotional, mental and physical support we will continue to grind the family under the heels of our self righteous indignity and suffering.

I am a male and I am unemployed. My wife is the sole income provider and hatefully regards me as her "partner" despite the fact that I have worked my entire life and have only been unemployed for 3 years out of 40 working age years. She talks badly about me to anyone who will listen. She only tolerates me still living with her because I do all the house work and all she has to do is cook (because she wants to). I find the double standard to be pathetic. I posted to this thread almost a year ago and am in a better emotional state although I still have not found work. I have discovered that the problem is not me. I may be unemployed but I am still the same good person that I was before I lost my job after 14 years of effort and hard work. The problem lies directly on the shoulders of my spouse. I will not carry that burden any longer, job or no job.

Sometimes bad things happen and you have to learn to live with the outcome. If you cant then you will just be unhappy and dwell in the house of misery.

Thanks Totired,
My husband of 6 years has been unemployed for 3. I blame the economy moreso than I do him because we live in a small town where nepotism is valued more highly than qualifications or experience. He\'s been trying to find work and I have been trying to be patient, my only solace is knowing that if he did have the opportunity, he would take care of me completely. He has a criminal record and a severe back injury which limits his options even more. He is fighting depression as am I but I have decided that this will not be my life, our life.
I have started aligning myself for a promotion at work and am submitting applications for better paying jobs. As well, I am earning money on the side doing voice acting, writing and graphic design - whatever I can do to put my skills to use.
I refuse to put my life on hold any longer. I intend to build a house for us and have a child before it becomes unwise to do so. I am prepared to make whatever sacrifices I can until we get through this ordeal and hope that the resentment does not get a chance to fester. I strongly believe that where there is a will there is a way and in this marriage I am the will. I know there\'s no guarantee everything will work out, but I know it definitely won\'t unless I try...
Thank you all for sharing. It means a lot to know I\'m not alone.

This is such a true thing to say. And I absolutely agree, I am in your position and I believe the resentment and hate coming from my partner is almost enough to kill any shred of respect I am holding onto for myself. I pray something good will happen for us both

You sir are one of the few honest men on EP, I sincerely hope you find a job that you can enjoy and make decent money. I have a very supportive wife that stills works, myself I`m retired but between S.S. and my VA disability check we are ok. There are just so many men on here that troll for lonely women, the ones that are fake, the ones that want to share their wives and the gay men just blows my mind.

Not sure I would go as far as self proclamation? However there seem to be more of the role reversal on this forum. I don\'t believe you being the man in a similar situation should be treated any differently by your wife! A PERSON should appreciate what their spouse does for them and the love they show them. Many of us would love to be in your wifes shoes and I\'m certain just as many of them would have great aprreciation for the dedication you give to the relationship. Its our own choice whether or not we chose to live the rest of lives with these losers or not. Forums are just support and understanding when it seems like there isn\'t any else where

Yes. You're not doing her any good. Let her go get a life. It will do her good. You spoiled her.

4 More Responses

I have been married almost 3 years and together with my husband almost 4 years. During our courtship he did absolutely nothing for me ( in terms of buying material things that is). We married quite quickly because his right to remain in the country was sound to expire and I knew that I would want to marry him in the future anyway so I agreed to 'fast forward'. Soon before the wedding he lost his job and I've paid for everything since then. It's so hard as I Italy he was I. Lala land in terms if what his job options were. Now he struggles with even finding cleaning work. He has a degree from his home country but that is not worth much here. Not when you have national graduates looking for work also.
I have been the breadwinner for 3 years now and my husband has been at home doing **** all. He's watched football, he's gambled my money he's been lazy and only until about a month ago has he started to make an effort around the house and with his 'job hunting' when I told him I wanted a divorce.
We have no children together but I have a daughter who only knows him as dad. I feel she is the main reason I'm keeping him around. I'm currently having counselling because I really don know what to do.

I feel your pain so deeply as I feel the same way about my husband. My situation with his inconsistent income have lasted greater than a decade. I today ask myself how could I allow someone actions make me become soooo anger and bitter. I don't sleep we'll at night while he can ball up in a fetal position and snore. I've given my husband an ultimatum. Either get it right soon like next month or I'm gonna file for a divorce. My advice to you is to sit down with him. Both of you set expectations and goals within a time frame. Being married for 19 years the lack of income was my husband concerns earlier on in our marriage and it still is now. My mistake or our my mistake was not doing keeping examining our expectations. It has cause me to resent him so much. Marriage is a business and it has to be looked at it and treated it. Of course love is included but if you do not plan, view each other objectives , not on the same page or at least the next page it will fail. Do not bring children into this unless your situation is worked out. Just maybe this is not the guy for you.
Good luck and GOD Bless!

Tell him to get a job or get out, if you ever need to chat just send me a message.