Unemployed Spouse

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and what a roller coaster it has been! Since our marriage he has been employed a total of 11 months while I have been busting my *** to make ends meet. I blame him for everything that is wrong in my life and often feel sorry for myself in my current situation. I find myself chronically upset and resentful towards him even when things are not that bad.

As I write, it is the Christmas season and while everyone is joyful, shopping, enjoying dinners out and spending time with family etc., here I sit hoping that I can make the mortgage payment. We both have Masters degrees, and while that is a great accomplishment, we both have massive student debts that the minimums aren't being met on.

I desperately want to have children! Now, any sane person would recognize that things need to change in order to bring another life into this world and I completely agree. But, I am not getting any younger and we already have to undergo IVF to make the dream of family a reality. We have gone through marriage counseling for over a year and while that seemed to improve things quite a bit, the problem still remains....MY HUSBAND IS STILL UNEMPLOYED!

I don't want to live with all of this resentment anymore. I should be thankful for my health and the fact that I do have a roof over my head and food to eat, but the fact that my husband is not pulling his weight is killing me!

I know that I am probably not the only one out there who is going through this but sometimes I just feel so isolated and alone. Any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!

sweetpea28 sweetpea28
26-30, F
114 Responses Dec 12, 2009

I am going through the same thing, my husband makes bad decisions, gambles money off, asks me to buy high price studio equipment, pay for gas, pawns his equipment, asks for expensive cars that require high price maintenance. He likes to act like he's got money and prides himself by keeping his appearance up!!

He brags to his friends & others about us moving to another city but we don't have any money! I'm the only steady income that we have! I'm too tired of him not working!!!He gets easily offended when I tell him needs to get a stable job! He said he used to be homeless, that's hard for me believe! His drive, ambition, and motivation are extremely low!

He works part time, and recently got an offer on a stable job contingent upon him passing the drug test & 2 other tests. He deliberately missed the first appointment to take the drug test but when I got very upset and told him this marriage wasn't going to make it, he called the company back and got a second appointment for the drug test etc. He's extremely frivolous and doesn't like me telling him what to do. He often calls me bossy, pushy, and controlling. And says " you treat me like a child!"

Remember, I'm already frustrated w/ the fact that he's not working. So, he only calls the company back because he says "if you want me to do it, ok, I'll do because it's what You want." HE IS LAZY AND HAS NO STRUCTURE!

He loves seeking employment with temporary agencies, which means, they only call him when they need him. Rather than look for a job to be a provider for his family or help himself recoup some accounts that are delinquent.

He's complaining that the new job's hours are too long and he doesn't want to be away from home at night, sometimes they may have to work 16 hours. But he was complaining about the part time job because they don't give them enough hours. However, this is the job he loves!

Here I am on five hours of sleep again. My husband has been unemployed for well over a year. I am a business owner who built her business from scratch over 17 years ago. I also have a modest secondary income from my intellectual property that makes me anywhere from $200 - 400 a month. Even though I am doing better than I have ever done in my life, I have resigned myself to moving back in with relatives about seven months from now. I only hope I can last that long. My savings account is drained. It will be a miracle if I can make ends meet for another half a year.

It's not my husband's fault he lost his job. His company, which was run very badly, closed. He is not blameless in this, however. He had a very relaxed attitude towards finding work for the first ten months of his unemployment, during which he slept until three in the afternoon and basically goofed off and blissed out. I have come to a full sink of dishes, carpeting that goes without vacuuming for weeks, and unlaundered clothes more times than I can count. You would think with all that free time, he might spare enough to do more than fifty percent of the household chores. No deal. He does about ten percent of the household chores. As for things he's good at: He's an exceptionally talented person who has more ideas than drive. He can do almost everything yet he is waiting around for someone to employ him. I honestly do not understand it at all. What has soothed me about this thread is learning that degrees don't matter. He doesn't have one but from what I have been reading here, degrees do nothing save overqualify you and put you in deep debt.

I love him. I honestly do. I'm still going to leave unless he takes the reins and picks himself up by the bootstraps. Painful as the past year plus has been, this has shown me a great deal about myself. As much as I might love my mate -- this is my first and only marriage and if it does not work out, I'm effing done with men for life -- I am not willing to live out of my car for him. A series of bad decisions has led him down this road. At first, he was seduced by the idea of easy money. Many years ago, we went bankrupt because of his bad decisions, which tanked my credit. He made a few more bad decisions, including the one to sleep until three p.m. instead of using the opportunity of massive free time to make money on side jobs, selling crap on eBay, going around as a fix-up man, ANYTHING, and here we are.

I understand how hard it is to find a job these days, however, I started my own business with no dollars. I drove to people's homes and it was inconvenient, awful, irritating, and frustrating. I dealt with the frustration and now my business is the only thing that is keeping a roof over his head.

Do I resent him? Yes, a bit. It doesn't change the fact I love him and always will. That said, I strongly believe we're headed for divorce. It's sad that money has to interfere with love. Perhaps if he won the lottery tomorrow, we'd be fine. Maybe we'd just have a different set of problems. Who knows?

Hi, I truly feel for you. Like your husband and yourself my husband has 4 degrees. We have been married now for 15 years and it is the last 14 months that have seen me go through horrendous times. Firstly I support this family, secondly my inlaws are a constant negative in our marriage, earlier on this year I was diagnosed with depression of which I got myself off the tablets as I am epileptic, I got myself a temporary job of which all was going well but then that finished and now I am back at home under the same roof as my husband and picking up all of his negativity. I am really starting to hate myself and him for the position I am in. I understand your comments about this time of year. My birthday is on the 28/12 and it will be 13 years on the 27/12 since mum passed away. I cannot get excited by Christmas particularly with where my head space is at the moment and moreover I just cant seem to pick myself up and keep on. I am lucky that I have my friends and can talk to them but at the end of the day I still have to come home where the turmoil is. Lorraine.

I would like to come at this from the other side of the fence, just so maybe I can get someone to see things from a different perspective.

I think financial worries are possibly the biggest breaker in a relationship. My partner and I are going through the very same thing, only it is me that is unemployed. I was employed by a person who promised me certain things and then reneged and shifted away from signing contracts over a year then suddenly dropped me in it one day. Prior to this I was studying when I met my fiancee so also didn't have a steady wage, although before meeting him I had great employment for ten years. This situation has been extremely difficult on our relationship and I have tried for the past year to not only start a business but also to work part time and find work, none of this has been fruitful enough for me to help my partner out.

It is so difficult from the point of view of someone that is unemployed. My confidence is nil to none and I feel most days as though I beat myself up and feel like I have failed at everything. I have contemplated suicide more times than I can imagine and the sad part about it, is that the person I love most I can't talk to about it as he resents me so much. He has berated me in the past few months about how much weight I have put on, how untidy I am and how I leave the house slobby, the fact that I haven't gotten work means he doesn't respect me. He most recently got mad at me because another girl mentioned she had looked for work at a shop and because I didn't think of this first, he stewed on it until he eventually exploded. I can't talk to him about anything, I mean anything at all without it getting thrown in my face that he supports me and I just need to stop being a nagging ***** face. I know majority of this is because he has such a huge resentment toward me and he doesn't feel I am trying. I have spiralled into the most intense depression from it.

I think its easy to look from the outside at people and think they aren't trying, when in reality it is an absolute confidence killer to have this happen. I most days literally feel as though I am the scum of the earth. I hate myself and all of this just escalates the situation and probably makes it worse when trying to find work.

Talk to your partners ladies, make them feel loved and work together on this situation. No one purposely tries to make someone pay their bills. In fact it is the hardest feeling not having your own independence. I'm not sure if my relationship can be saved as I think I may just have to move out and try to find work overseas and say goodbye to something that isn't working but If I can give advice all I can say is talk talk talk, try not to blame, it only makes the situation much harder on a person that already feels like the scum of the earth. It is hard for both parties.

It feels comforting to know that I'm not in this alone. I got married in July this year but for the past year, my husband has been unemployed. He lost his job while we were planning our wedding and its been rough. I thought to leave him during the engagement but what type of woman would that make me?In addition to paying for the wedding, I've had to pay all the bills,rent, prevent us from eviction, get us a car (we share one), pay insurance... up to the point that I cant even take care of myself. I cant go shopping, I can't do my hair, I cant do anything pleasing for myself because there is always a bill to pay. I keep asking God what lesson he is trying to teach me.... I dont understand. I've become irritable, resentful, depressed and controlling. He says I ***** and nag which hurts me to hear because I don't want to be a nagging wife. I'm becoming someone else and I don't like it. He has been applying for jobs but no call backs.He's taking IT classes now. His masters Degree from Georgetown has done almost nothing but land him in debt from student loans. I pray we get a breakthrough soon before I self destruct. I would like to enjoy being a newlywed and for us to finally go on our honeymoon. .....am I asking for too much?

My situation is the same, except, he won't work at jobs he doesn't like. During the planning of our wedding, He had the nerve to want an old Mercedes, which I had to put $1000 down and just had to pay the car notes and the car insurance! We have only been married 91 days...

You are not alone and I pray for your husband to get a job to fulfill his duties of a husband, which is providing. I am 'engaged' to a man that lost his job 3 years into the relationship, I did not and still don't feel comfortable marrying him while he is not able to provide. I don't feel that that makes any sense. We live together but I feel that it is best that he moves out and goes to another state to find work so he can support a family. He keeps asking me to marry him, I dont know what knd of man asks a woman to marry them when they have nothing to offer or are not able to take care of a family. I do not want the stress of an equally yoked marriage, where one partner cannot produce. The Lord promised me an abundant life not one full of lack, stress, foreclosure, bankruptcy, no car, never go out, cannot travel anywhere nice with him. I want out of this relationship. I don't care what kind of woman people think I am. It's my life on the line here. I love him but i need a man who can take care of himself and is able to take care of me so I don't have to bear all the bills and burdens. That is what a man is supposed to do. I will not marry him in this condition and I think it is unfair and stupid of him to keep asking me to marry him. He was not always like this, he went through a divorce that left him broke for the most part, but at least he was working. HE has so much baggage, he is too heavy for me to carry. If it was not the grace of the Lord holding me up, he would have already driven me into the ground of debt, but my Lord has kept me and is supplying all my needs.

sorry have no answer.

but I see many people that think or feel they are too god to work for some wages they have a masters
yes thousands of jobs have gone over seas that is a sad fact sense NAFT went into effect

is it the man reason I do not know I do know that I have worked from the age of 8 just like many others my age

sure I make less money know then I have in the past but that is my choice I just got tired of putting my life on the line I got tired of chasing death all over the world

there are jobs out looking for help most just do not want to take the time to learn the skills for them for the young people coming up
a saturation diver or saturation welder will make 50k a week

I too resent my husband of 18 yrs. Hee had a great job for 12 of those years while I raised our three kids and did EVERY thing around the house and ran a cleaning business on the side. Now he has been unemployed gets kids off to school and does some auto side jobs but that is it I help hime with the auto work do ALL the house work including any painting or maintenence. And I am a school bus driver. I am the main income and still have to take any side job I can for us to make it he is apot smoker and a drinker. And finds nothing wrong with his lifestyle. I guess not! Must be nice to still act like a child at 40! I just don't know what to do I'm exhausted. Not to mention I have fibromyalgia which doent make any of this any better. He won't even acknowledge that. Those who think you can't do everything yourself? Well some of us are doing it

I am living with this too...and my husband works hard around here, has 3 degrees and worked for himself for many years...he has been trying and trying but nothing !!! Too overqualified or too under qualified. Blame the economy and the government! When they stop sending our jobs overseas this might end. There was a time when anyone could get a job... those days are done... I am fearful for my children. I know so many people under employed or with out a job at all.. including my kids!! Its a sad thing.

It's hard. I'm a guy though and my wife won't work. We moved to a new state last year and had the agreement that I would get a job first to get us to the new state, then she would look for one once we got here. I work in a field that is fairly easy to find work, which was why we agreed I'd get the first job. Anyhow, since we've been here she's hardly looked at all. Our credit is suffering so the idea of ever owning a home is going out the door. I suffer from constant back pain due to the stress of our finances and have at times, experienced tightness in my chest lately. I'll come home from work to find out that she's made a purchase of some sort (such as a $160 vacuum cleaner), yet thinks it's no big deal because she charged it on her credit card. Hmmm, who will have to pay that bill since she's not working?? I've thought about opening up a checking account under my own name to deposit my check into, and only giving her enough money for gas throughout the week. We'll fight about money, then she will tell me she'll find a job. She'll look for a couple of days, then we are back to her no longer looking. I had to go without lunch during the workday yesterday, because we couldn't afford the food. I'm working a job I hate just to bring home money that still isn't enough. It's hard and I have no clue what to do. I love her, but feel as if I've aged years since we moved her a year ago. I'm almost 40 and feel I have a lot of life ahead of me. I don't want to shorten it by stress. How can I make her find a job to help me??

You know there are tons of nice guys out there looking for partners. I always paid my way, support my wife where i can and pay support. I am sure there were some signs at the beginning of the relationship that people chose to ignore. You married, you own it, you dont like it, make the decision, but please dont label every guy because of the experience you had with your husband and the choice you made. Not all men are like your husband.

<p>My heart goes out to all of you. I am you -- but you 30+ years later. My advice: Be sure you are 100% committed to making this work and that your children can see you doing it somewhat joyfully and do not let them see the disdain you have for their Fathers. Be sure that the influence and example these men are having on your children will not be passed down generationally -- it will be if you do nothing. You will be passing on the misery otherwise and ruining not only your future but your childrens if you do nothing to turn things around. This will mean taking a huge risk though. If you really love them and want to stay together and this is not an abusive relationship in any way you may have to do what I have finally had the guts to do: Take away your financial support and let them suffer the consequences -- yes even if that means losing your home and everything else. They must have ZERO access to money you earn. Make arrangements to temporarily remove yourself and your children from your home if at all possible -- no it will not be easy. Yes, there is a 50/50 chance he will either realize his loss and work to get his act together - permanently -- or he may just find someone else to pay his bills. No -- do not do this if you KNOW your husband has sincerely been trying to find work and has been contributing to the household in some other way and you know he still loves you and is still committed to you and your children and is doing what he can. YES do this if he has NOT made any effort and refuses to make his presence of some value to you and your children or plan for the future (cleaning, cooking, doing volunteer work, going to school etc) for a very long time. I have been the primary wage earner in my family for 35 years. Now I am unemployed and hoped he would step up after 10 years total unemployment and most years of underemployment throughout our marriage but in a low paying (min wage after taxes job he loved that was really part-time - paramedic). I justified it because he tried to contribute in other ways and felt this was lifetime committment. It still is but he HAS to step up as I may not find work quickly again at my age. He knows what he must do to bring me home:<br />
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(1) I need to know he clearly cares enough about me/loves me (not my income) to be willing to contribute fairly and to the best of his ability financially -- does not have to be equally and that he will pick up his end of the household duties again (100% dropped last 4 years).<br />
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(2) He must get the training/education psychological/spiritual help and accountability he needs to make this happen ASAP.<br />
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(3) He must not become a leach on our adult children.<br />
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(4) He must continue to work through the 12 step program for *********** addiction that he started the month after I left (be sure this is addressed -- huge problem for unemployed/depressed/bored men -- it is probably is NOT just internet games).</p><p>Until he can accomplish this I will draw unemployment and job hunt and stay with family/friends and will not pay his bills any longer -- period. I am going back to clean out the house once a week and get it up for sale ASAP and update on how he is doing. I love this man and know he CAN choose to be more than he is right now and he has been in the past but every Dr./Counselor we have seen has made it clear I could not nag/force him into it he had to WANT to do better. I was exhausted, stressed and miserable and watching him slowly let himself die - not an exageration as his health and mental welfare is suffering from just doing nothing. I can not do this 10 more years.</p><p>The good news -- in my case he is doing all the things above (although slowly) and I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I too am getting professional counseling (from a friend) to get me through this time and have 3-4 close friends who are encouraging and a great prayer support. I suggest you find a great church and/or support group to help you deal as well. My faith has gotten me through the last 35 years and I believe we can have a few more good years together. But I could not let it continue to go horribly downhill as it has the past 15-20 years and the resentment anger control me and harm our family.</p><p>Are you up for the battle? That is what it will take -- are you ready to FIGHT for your marriage? Every successful marriage has had one partner who has decided they WILL fight for the marriage whatever it takes. If not, maybe you should give up. I still have no guarantee this will pay off and it has been 4 months now but am trusting in God to get me through either way and my hope and joy is slowly returning :) BUT TAKE ACTION and do not sit there and hate him and pity yourself. My prayers go out to each of you I know your pain.</p>

Gee I wonder if all you self proclaimed women would support your solutions if the tables were turned and the wife was the lazy one??? I work my a** off and provide EVERYTHING for my lazy fat *** wife and she can't even wash the car I provide her with. She wont get a job and can't even remember the balance in the bank because she is so lazy she won't keep a register. Should I get rid of the loser???

Why did you let her get that way ?.

Oh aren't you just a fountain of inspiration Pmacphoto. Sarcasm 101...look it up.

Even though this is a dead thread the facts are that unemployment and the mental and emotional harm due to rejection is growing. Pulling yourself up by the boot straps is made even harder by a nagging or unsympathetic spouse that may be harboring negative feelings that go well beyond the unemployment. The point is that if a spouse is unable to provide for their family, even short term, it creates an huge feeling of failure and having a significant other that is unsupportive compounds the feeling. Giving up is very common as is severe depression.

If you truely love someone you will do everything in your power to assist that person. If that person is unable to help themselves are they then disposable? Mental disabilities are just as devestating as physical ones. The problem is that women have been trained by society for generations to be taken care of and supported financially. As they have taken on the roll of financial provider they have not developed the other responsibiites and loyalties that come with being a sole income. Men are just as culpable in the fact that they have been taken care of by women and do not have the loyalties to do "womans" work when they are not able to provide financial support any more.

This is a circle of failure on both sexes and until it is overcome by emotional, mental and physical support we will continue to grind the family under the heels of our self righteous indignity and suffering.

I am a male and I am unemployed. My wife is the sole income provider and hatefully regards me as her "partner" despite the fact that I have worked my entire life and have only been unemployed for 3 years out of 40 working age years. She talks badly about me to anyone who will listen. She only tolerates me still living with her because I do all the house work and all she has to do is cook (because she wants to). I find the double standard to be pathetic. I posted to this thread almost a year ago and am in a better emotional state although I still have not found work. I have discovered that the problem is not me. I may be unemployed but I am still the same good person that I was before I lost my job after 14 years of effort and hard work. The problem lies directly on the shoulders of my spouse. I will not carry that burden any longer, job or no job.

Sometimes bad things happen and you have to learn to live with the outcome. If you cant then you will just be unhappy and dwell in the house of misery.

Thanks Totired,
My husband of 6 years has been unemployed for 3. I blame the economy moreso than I do him because we live in a small town where nepotism is valued more highly than qualifications or experience. He\'s been trying to find work and I have been trying to be patient, my only solace is knowing that if he did have the opportunity, he would take care of me completely. He has a criminal record and a severe back injury which limits his options even more. He is fighting depression as am I but I have decided that this will not be my life, our life.
I have started aligning myself for a promotion at work and am submitting applications for better paying jobs. As well, I am earning money on the side doing voice acting, writing and graphic design - whatever I can do to put my skills to use.
I refuse to put my life on hold any longer. I intend to build a house for us and have a child before it becomes unwise to do so. I am prepared to make whatever sacrifices I can until we get through this ordeal and hope that the resentment does not get a chance to fester. I strongly believe that where there is a will there is a way and in this marriage I am the will. I know there\'s no guarantee everything will work out, but I know it definitely won\'t unless I try...
Thank you all for sharing. It means a lot to know I\'m not alone.

This is such a true thing to say. And I absolutely agree, I am in your position and I believe the resentment and hate coming from my partner is almost enough to kill any shred of respect I am holding onto for myself. I pray something good will happen for us both

You sir are one of the few honest men on EP, I sincerely hope you find a job that you can enjoy and make decent money. I have a very supportive wife that stills works, myself I`m retired but between S.S. and my VA disability check we are ok. There are just so many men on here that troll for lonely women, the ones that are fake, the ones that want to share their wives and the gay men just blows my mind.

Not sure I would go as far as self proclamation? However there seem to be more of the role reversal on this forum. I don\'t believe you being the man in a similar situation should be treated any differently by your wife! A PERSON should appreciate what their spouse does for them and the love they show them. Many of us would love to be in your wifes shoes and I\'m certain just as many of them would have great aprreciation for the dedication you give to the relationship. Its our own choice whether or not we chose to live the rest of lives with these losers or not. Forums are just support and understanding when it seems like there isn\'t any else where

Yes. You're not doing her any good. Let her go get a life. It will do her good. You spoiled her.

4 More Responses

I have been married almost 3 years and together with my husband almost 4 years. During our courtship he did absolutely nothing for me ( in terms of buying material things that is). We married quite quickly because his right to remain in the country was sound to expire and I knew that I would want to marry him in the future anyway so I agreed to 'fast forward'. Soon before the wedding he lost his job and I've paid for everything since then. It's so hard as I Italy he was I. Lala land in terms if what his job options were. Now he struggles with even finding cleaning work. He has a degree from his home country but that is not worth much here. Not when you have national graduates looking for work also.
I have been the breadwinner for 3 years now and my husband has been at home doing **** all. He's watched football, he's gambled my money he's been lazy and only until about a month ago has he started to make an effort around the house and with his 'job hunting' when I told him I wanted a divorce.
We have no children together but I have a daughter who only knows him as dad. I feel she is the main reason I'm keeping him around. I'm currently having counselling because I really don know what to do.

I feel your pain so deeply as I feel the same way about my husband. My situation with his inconsistent income have lasted greater than a decade. I today ask myself how could I allow someone actions make me become soooo anger and bitter. I don't sleep we'll at night while he can ball up in a fetal position and snore. I've given my husband an ultimatum. Either get it right soon like next month or I'm gonna file for a divorce. My advice to you is to sit down with him. Both of you set expectations and goals within a time frame. Being married for 19 years the lack of income was my husband concerns earlier on in our marriage and it still is now. My mistake or our my mistake was not doing keeping examining our expectations. It has cause me to resent him so much. Marriage is a business and it has to be looked at it and treated it. Of course love is included but if you do not plan, view each other objectives , not on the same page or at least the next page it will fail. Do not bring children into this unless your situation is worked out. Just maybe this is not the guy for you.
Good luck and GOD Bless!

Tell him to get a job or get out, if you ever need to chat just send me a message.

Reading this reminds me of my mother's and father's relationship, my dad was underemployed for more than a year already, and had spells of underemployment and unemployment before. He is in technical services, and it is very challenging to find work once you've been laid off as the skills are so specialized. Im graduating myself and looking for work, and its not so easy at all (Im in engineering). Of our whole class of 60, about 5 people were able to find professional work as of now. Regardless, I wanted to give a son's perspective on this issue. My dad helps around the house in his free time, his only hobbies are tv and the internet. It is soul breaking to see a man I love and respect, my father be in that state for hours, but unlike you, I don't blame him, feel anger towards him or despise him. Its the economic system that is broken, nobody wants to hire the elderly, or for that matter anyone in this country if they can be had for cheaper elsewhere; even for myself getting interviews is difficult. I can see my mother feel anger and disappointment towards my dad, and you know what, I don't agree with her, and seeing her explode at him is causing me to become cold and distant towards her. Im horrified by some of the notes I see on here - "expecting to come home to see the man commit suicide and feeling nothing about that", "wishing for an affair with an employed man", at least set your sights higher - have an affair with a multimillionaire instead. At least now I know to test out how the girl I love reacts to hard times in life before committing.

Reading these posts are horrible!!! I was out of work and busted my *** 8hrs plus a day keeping house taking care of my son cooking and looking for a job four hours a day and the wife treated me like crap. Guess what, I landed my dream job and she is now getting ready to get the boot. She has her big corporate job she loves but guess what now I back even with the economy still rocky. I still am the primary care taker of my son and guess who is getting custody. You women should be ashamed. A lot of just plane men haters... The economy sucks and men are the primary victoms.. It kills us to not be able to provide for our families. After 20 years my wife showed her true color's. Family is the most important thing. How do you think families made it through the great depression? The stuck together. One of you said you husband is getting angry with you and your daughter.. Because he can not perform his basic function in life "to provide" and its out of his control. Blame Obama not your husbands...

Ladies - When the Trash Stinks -- Put it Outside. Take it to the Curb and Take Care of YOURSELVES.

One thing I see from all these posts is a lot of strong, capable women who are willing to do anything to support a family! Stuck in relationships with men who are not! Ever stop and think that they are simply NOT capable of doing it? Your 4 y/o can’t drive herself to ballet practice. She just can’t. My grandmother is never going to come back from the dead, either. She can’t. These guys can’t get their act together. And never will. Because they can’t. Won’t and can’t are the same thing. Same end result.

Don't feel bad or guilty -- let them go leech off someone else and get on with your lives. You'd pick a tick off your leg, wouldn't you? A tick is a tick. A tick is never going to get a job, or do anything but suck the life out of you and make you sick. What kind of example are you setting for your kids? They see you get used & abused and you get up and ask for more. No no no no no!!! You’ve already proved you‘re not helpless!

As for me and mine, it’s all my bad. I am blind. We’ve not even been married a year - and I don’t plan on celebrating a 2nd anniversary. Got better things to do than celebrate the quality of my life going down the drain.

Here’s why I got married: he's respectful, kind, treats me really well, cooks, cleans, doesn’t drink, gamble, never asks for money. His friends, who are decent people, had only good things to say. I was led to believe he wanted the same happy, comfortable, secure kind of life I did (and oh boy did he ever!)

Reality: All of the above, plus a bonus collection of Red Flags! He was unemployed but ‘looking’ (RED FLAG). Living for free with a friend (RED FLAG). Ongoing drama with the 'ex who treated him badly' over responsibilities (which I fixed - RED FLAG). Ongoing court drama with the other ex over responsibilities (which I fixed - RED FLAG). Bad credit, unpaid bills (RED FLAG). Are ya laughing yet? Keep laughing. (And keep your finances separate. Always.) I paid for the (cheap) wedding rings (RED FLAG). When unemployment ran out, he simply stopped paying his bills (RED FLAG) including his child support (RED FLAG). I pay that now, because I think it’s wrong that the kids suffer. But you know what? They’re not my kids. Their mother remarried. The cost is ruining MY finances. Sorry.

Best part: then he has a heart attack, and really can’t work, because he never really recovered and is still sick. So what - now I throw a sick man out? When the only reason he has health insurance is because of me? That’s just mean and wrong. Reality: I married a Lovely Loser. The Loser in him is takes no initiative, has no ambition, is not interested in how bills get paid, gives up easily, doesn’t want responsibility for anything. He has 100 excuses for not finding a job (funny, because everyone else that was laid off at the same time have already found jobs - hmm?) Time spent watching TV or surfing the internet can be time spent learning a new skill. There is no excuse! I know people wheelchairs that get up and go to work every day. There's a guy who works at WalMart has no legs and one arm. Really? Yet DH cannot find some kind of job….? *Whatever* I guess I’m blind and dumb, too.

If a grown man doesn't want to take care of himself… much less YOU and your kids together… You are NOT obligated to take care of him. At all. Listen to the voicemail he’s leaving you day after day – “I don’t want to help you or provide for you. I want you to provide for me, 100%. I’m a tick. A parasite. Thanks sucker!” Hello!?

Honestly if I had someone paying my bills, giving me sex and spending money, a clean house – or any house - I'd put up with a heck of a lot of nagging so I wouldn't have to get a job either. I’d work every angle and manipulate day after day to keep that scheme going. (Actually I wouldn’t because I have more self-esteem than that but…) As for the nagging – LOL – they don’t care. They expect it. You're not the first to nag and you won't be the last. And they get 8+ hours of peace & quiet & freedom every day while you’re out busting your chops working.

Ladies - When the Trash Stinks -- Put it Outside. Take it to the Curb and Take Care of YOURSELVES. Because you are worth every penny you earn, and more. Good luck to all of you out there.

Its like your reading my inner thoughts...I too feel as though I was blindsided. He was sweet, loving, gentle, cooked, cleaned, worked when we first met and 8 years later - 2 certificate programs, no job, in-school again, 3 months stint in rehab, stolen credit cards - list goes on...my Prince Charming has turned into a damn frog.

You are telling my story! Funny part was, he left me because he felt i nagged a lot on his laziness for not finding a job or not doing household work! I was depressed initially.. i feel good to see such post with similar experience..thanks for sharing your story and making me not feel guilty..

It's so wonderful to know that I'm not the only one. I've been with my man almost 3 years. He had recently separated from his wife when we got together. For the first year he was fully employed. He hated his job and quit. 2 months later we found out I was pregnant. He got his act together and found a job. He was working there 6 weeks when I went into labor, and he quit that day. Can you imagine quitting your job the day your first born child comes into this world? What possibly possesses a man to think it's okay to not support his woman and child? Our son is now 4 months old and he still hasn't found a job. He doesn't even look. Where I live I get a year off work with government assistance. He actually expects me to go back to work now because we can no longer afford our rent. I take care of the baby, cook, clean, manage all of finances... I do everything. He tells me he loves me but he doesn't even touch me. I've never been so depressed in my life. My parents are divorced, it was so hard on me. How do I do that to my own son?

I know I shouldn't write this and I know I shouldn't complain. I guess I need to know I am wrong for being upset. I've been with my fiance seven years. We were engaged last year. We haven't planned the wedding because there's never time or money at the same time. Life never feels happy enough to celebrate. I decided to go back to school several years after undergraduate school, and left the US to do so. My fiance went with me. He found work out of the US, but since we've been back, he hasn't been able to find work. I know not working is hard on him. He has had secure jobs in his field since I met him. He only left the country with me because he was laid off a month before I moved. I am upset with him because I never feel he has a sense of urgency about finding work. I am supportive of him, and have tried encouraging him, but he doesn't focus. First he wanted any job, now he wants a particular kind of job. We moved back to the US 8 months ago. He's had time to think. He kept redoing his portfolio and cover letters. I found huge typos in several of his cover letters. It's almost like he's sabotaged finding work. He needs to change his mannerisms and his speech pattern for this market. He refuses to improve himself. I know I sound like such an awful person but I've lost all my confidence in him. I don't care about his opinion or thoughts anymore. I had an idea he didn't know how to fight for anything he wanted or a path set in mind. I've always been a driven and competitive person. I can't take not having money, not even for rent now. I've always had everything together. What more "sense of urgency" is needed than not having money for rent. It's embarrassing and I know it' all my fault for returning to school. I am angry with him and I know I shouldn't be. I can't do everything.
Anyway, I know my story isn't as hard as the things others of your are enduring, and I'm sorry to post. I have no one to talk to about this.

I have a child of 3 years old and my husband has been unemployed for 4 months. He just surfing and watch TV whole day long. My mother-in-law will cook for him and do the household chores. Whenever i back at home he'll be taking his nap and I have take care my son all by my own. I just found out yesterday that he just only start to type his resume. I am so disappointing. I try to talk to him but he just walk away. I don't know how shall i handle this issue.

I'm going through the same thing, my husband has a degree and lost his big time corporate job two years ago. He was only able to find a seasonal landscaping job that paid a little more than min. Wage, we went from pulling 6 figures to 43k a year (my income) we lost our beautiful home and had to file bankruptcy. Now two years later he is still laid off and though he has been called back for his seasonal job we can't afford for him to go there due to childcare! He now has a temper problem and my daughter and I have both grown apart from him. We have tried to be supportive but I think we are drained from the crap!

I have a hard time trying not to obsess that my husband is unemployed. It seems that he is more interested in selfish things and what he enjoys doing rather than earning money. I cant talk to any friends or family or co-workers because they would see me upset. they would drastically tell me just get rid of him or want to know what I am getting out of this relationship. It all seems to get worse and bad time I cant remember a time were there were outtings or no worries. I dont think I want to pin all of my sadness and bad feelings on his unemployment. But the future looks so blahh dont know what to do with my situation. Especially when I have people in my life always seemingly having it "easy" or going on lots of vacations and having several children.

Oh man daisyhon, I know how you feel. It seems like everyone else has the perfect answer. It's hard for me to watch others have what seems to be an easy life too, I'm just simply Not happy anymore.

Im 24. I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years now.We have been together for a total of 6 years. Throughout our entire relationship he has only had a 2 jobs. Once while.dating that didnt last more than 2 months and onejob after our marriage that only lasted about 3months. When he did have a job for those 3 months he would only help me with $15 each month. I pay rent, utilities,food and cover all expenses. i should have known better then entering a marriage like thia but he promised he would get it together and i believed him. Now im overwhelmed and although i love him i dont think its worth the burden anymore. Its extremely difficult taking care of a grown man. Im 24 and i domt want to spend the rest.of my life like this. I have talked to.him many times ad he always claims hes looking for a jib but i always find him playing.video.games or playing on the laptop when.i come home. He occasionally helps around the house but is messy person so in the end im stuck doing all thehouse chores. He always has friends over and they drink and play video games and smoke. I am ginally fed up and decided to get a divorce. I feel.guilty for giving up but.in reality this is my life and i deserve better and i hope all u women going through similar scenarioa find it whithin yourselves to let go to. You cannot change a man like this its who they are. Im not a gold digger i simply want a man who i can go 50/50 with me.so both

our lives are easier.

You are all blaming the wrong people for your problems. Blame the people that have wrecked and continue to wreck our economy. If you don't know who they are find out. Stop pointing fingers at the victims. Start educating yourselves and thinking of practical was to take our country back from the powerful elite. Big banks gambled our money and lost and our government gave them our tax money to cover their bad bets. And that's just the tip of the ice berg. Wether you like it or not you are all the one percent and things are not getting any better. The Walton family sits on over half of the money in the US!!! One family!!! We are all blessed with the net and the brains to educate our selfs. This is not going away!!!

I married my husband in 1997 and he has had very spotty employment. Currently, he has been unemployed for almost two years. The thing is, I can't believe I am in this situation. I never imagined I would be in this kind of marriage. I have been empolyed at the same job for 17 years. I have gone through so much stress related to the down turn in the economy and kept my job. We are struggling financially. We never go on vacation and we bearly make ends meet. We really don't socialize because of our situation. He gets very angry if someone asks him about his job. He doesn't seem to try and look for a job either. If I ask he gets irritated. The only conclusion I can make is that he never has loved me. If you love someone you do anything to be supportive. I can't believe I let this happen.

Wish you luck... Glad your employed. Why don't you just kick the guy to the curb and be happy. Find out what its really like to kick someone when they are down. Get a divorce.. That's when you will understand that your making a mistake...

They are not down because of the circumstances only but they have chosen to be! Its better to suffer for a short time then to waste life like that..

I resent my spouse so much. We have been together for over 15 years. We both were employeed and barely getting by for the first few years. We worked hard and were happy. Gradually I was able to improve my employment and my "better" half just seemed to not try as hard as I continued to increase my earning potential. My significant other was enjoying the fruits of my labors and started spending more on things we did not need. Our accounts were being depleted faster than the income was incoming. I then found out that my spouse had lost or quit the latest parttime position and had not been applying for something new. The house work was being neglected and I never seemed to get the attention I needed without almost begging for it at times. I began to feel like I was just working to provide income and benefits. This has been the norm for the last 7 years and although I earn a decent salary I would like to feel like a team instead of a slave.

I spoke with my parents and some close friends and they all told me to be grateful that I did not have to do all the work at home and my job. They said that this is the way familys had lived for generations and that we all go through rough spots and to not take it so personal. They suggested that I talk to my spouse again and see if there was anything I could do to make life easier and bring back the love and feelings we had in the beginning. I tried that but sitting on the couch and watching tv is more important than working out our problems I guess. Some days I would leave work early as a surprise and would find an empty house. The excuse was friends had dropped by and they had gone out for a bit.

I dont know what to do anymore. I work my behind off and still have to come home and do house work, like mow grass, paint and clean gutters. Savings is almost gone but there are always new clothes and items around the house. Healthy dinners have become pizza and take out and dont even mention exercising. I do not feel any desire to initiate sex and the thought of it actually makes me ill. Drinking has also become an issue. I find several empty wine bottles every few days in the trash. I do not think there has been any infidelity because of the weight issues but I could be wrong.

I guess I can only say this concerning my situation. Wives have been taken care of by husbands for eons. They have enjoyed the fruits of the husbands employment without complaint by most men. I understand that being a house wife is work but it is not hard work when it is not being done. Because many wives sit around when not working they tend to get fat and the more they sit around the worse it gets. I am a man and the bread winner in my family. I have a wife that has NOT been an equal partner in our relationship yet I am told again and again that it is MY job to take care of the family. So why is it okay for wives to live off their husbands efforts and the men have to deal with it yet if a man lives off a wife they are loosers and freeloaders. Talk about a double standard. Equal rights my backside.

Its funny how its always the men that have to bear the burden of guilt and making things safe and okay for the weak and helpless women that need to be taken care of and supported. I say this tongue and cheek because I know that not all women are this way but they sure were for the last 100 years or so when it came to earnings and demanding the husband carry the load. Maybe all the girls out there would like to go back to being just the housewife and act like the wife and let the men wear the pants. You say no, not gonna happen? Then get used to the fact that some men out there agree with the ladies about equal rights and are going to live off their wives like wives have lived off men for generations.

Ladies think about this...50% of the problem with a relationship is you. Dump the loser if you need to but if you dont fix whats wrong with you and identify why you fell for the dude you now hate, you will make the same mistake again. Yeah I know personal responsibility does not fit nicely into that equal rights discussion because its always safer to just blame the other person. My mom always told me something that has been proven true over and over.

Women marry men thinking they can change them to fit what they want and need. Men marry women hoping they will never change because they marry what they want and need. Both are fools. Good luck with that next relationship. I have already kicked my freeloading looser unemployed lazy wife to the curb. I can do my own housework and laundry thank you very much.

I completely understand what you're saying but I'm married and my husband hasn't had a job in 6 months. He won't look for employment, he won't exercise all he does is drink play games and watch the nfl network. He has gained weight but I'm supposed to cook clean work and have sex at the end of the day I'm tirrrreeeeeddd. If he were motivated things would be great but logically I'm not attracted to the 30 year old man who sleeps in the couch drinking beer and playing games. If he wants to be the house husband fine cook sometimes, wash a load but nothing. He's now vehicle-less. What to do?

Being married to a loser really sucks! 2013 is my year...I'm getting out of this dead end marriage.

My husband of two years has been working but under employed big time for a year and a half. He doesn't look for job adequately or to out there and try. He is getting older and much older than I am I feel held back. I am down right irritated. He is so selfish, works his stupid job and then sits in front of the TV and we never talk. I'm tempted to unhook the damn thing because I hate television. He is 60. I'm 40. We have no retirement, no healthcare and he has zero motivation or creativity. I'm a go getter and he can do anything without someone telling him to. When I try to talk to him he is verbally abusive. I'm at my wits end. I feel very resentful. We have had sex twice since we have married. He never initiates so when I stopped initiating sex stopped. He snored, is dirty, pees all over the floor, burps super loud several times a day and talks with them, scratches his provates and then tries to touch my face. He will not work out with me, he just plugs in, TV or Internet. I almost hate him.

It's really gross when a man touches his privates then wants to stroke your face I know all about it I smack his hand away like he's a child

Married 15 years and husband has been out of work almost 6 years. He was laid off from his job, took a year to ride out his unemployment, and went back to school. Didn't finish his schooling. Quit with one term left. Only jobs he's had we're temporary, favours from families and friends. I have supported us and our children. I have worked my *** off and in 7 years doubled my yearly income... But it isn't enough. Barely living paycheck to paycheck. Last year I started getting very ill from the stress of both home and work. HospitaliZed a few times , doctors advised me to take a few months off of work but We couldn't afford it. Work situation and health situation progressively got worse, but I couldn't afford to take a leave. Recently, I brought up that he needed to get it together and get a job. My health was deteriorating and I need him to help support the family. His response... HE'S finished with ME?!!!... REALLY?!!! Thank goodness! That's one less person for me to clothe, feed and provide shelter for!! Sometimes we need to take a step back and assess the situation with logic. What are his actions telling you? His actions in unguarded moments can tell you what his true character is. My unguarded moments are spent trying to make a life for us- Food, Clothes, Shelter and taking care of the kids. His are spent sleeping on the couch and playing video games and watching football. I know I've been had. How about you?

I am so sorry you had to go through that. I can't believe hw had the nerve to say he's finished with you after everything you jabe done and all he's put you through o hope you realize you dont need him and he will realize he needs you. Hopefully he beta his **** together cuz noone likes living with their parents forever!! Stay strong and i wish you the best.

Yes I've had it hhhhheeeeelllllpppp!!!!

I know what you mean,wish mine would leave :/

I am a strong believer that a man should provide for his family. Men and women need each other, but he really can't call himself much of a man if he can't take care of his wife financially. I'm sorry to hear you going through this; I'd never let me wife foot the burden of support like that. Find another guy, seriously.

She may have found good qualities in him I mean she married him for a reason. Some women and I'm one really don't want to start over with someone new but rather work with what we got. How do we the women help motivate the man?

I am somewhat in the same boat as others. I have been married to my husband for 13 yrs, together for 18, we have a 7 yr old son. He has been unemployed for over a year now, though our financial troubles started when he was still working, just after the market crash. Her quit his job because he was literally getting sick from the stress at work and hoped to find work closer to home instead of the 100 mile a day trip. We lived off his unemployment for a yr, and my wages as I work overnights delivering newspapers. He claimed to have been seeking work but most of the time I caught him on the computer playing online games. The job search wasn't getting done so I searched and applied for jobs for him. From the searching I did he obtained a few temporary jobs but nothing permanent, I know the job market is bad but playing games on a computer won't get him anything. We ran out of his unemployment money a few months ago. Our home is now in danger of being foreclosed on in months, threats of reposession of our only vehicle, we can no longer pay utilities or anything, I can't carry him financially anymore or our family. Whenever I threaten to leave he perks up and the next day searches for jobs or goes to a job fair but the day after that he's back to his regular lazy routine. I am no longer willing to clean up his mess. He has used my debit and credit card for gas, which we need of course, and as a result my credit card has now been maxed out and I have maybe $12 in the bank. He has recently obtained another temporary job for the next 2 months but I worry about what happens after that, the saslary is still not enough to pay the mortgage even after a modification. I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired of getting shut off notices, waking to find no heat in the house, having for the first time in my life to apply and live off of food stamps-I am better than this but when I think about seriously leaving I then think about my son and how I want him to finish 1st grade here before I move in with my parents who live out of state. I think about uprooting my son and how that would be for him and that keeps me from walking out the door. But I am so disgusted, so fed up so angry, I've been resenting him for the past 4 yrs ever since my son & I woke up to find the house cold I called the oil co only to find he stopped paying all of our bills 3 mo. prior without ever telling me. A few months ago I saw his bank statements (we have seperate account, one is joint one is mine) in a span of 3 months he managed to pull $3,000 out of our joint account, money which was needed for a car payment and mortgage, when grilled about it he claims it was all for gas & cigarettes and then went to another story sayinbg he doesn't know where it went to or he can't remember.......almost left him then too, but again my son kept me from doing this. I fear going it alone. I love my husband very very much but I do not love what he's become or what he's been doing which has caused great resent and lots of arguing, it has ruined life as we knew it. I'm afraid of living with my parents and being single, I'm afraid of divorce, I'm hoping if I do ever leave it'll finally get him in gear to take things seriously but then it may not & we'll divorce and he'll find someone else, all I know is I can't stay here anymore, I wish I had the courage to leave. If I ever try to talk or get into a heated discussion about all of this with him he's very good at turning the whole thing around on me, if I say he said something he'll say he didn't & vice verse or make it seem like I'm nagging him about getting a job or he'll sit there while I talk and he doesn't say a word no back & forth conversation nothing, then he'll get up & walk away or get mad and walk away. We obviously don't have money for any counselor. He was to file for bankruptcy but has no money to pay the lawyer. All the jobs he's had in the past yr I got and found for him and I applied him to them. If I don't get on the computer and do this it'll never get done, I haven't looked for a job for him in about 2 months and of course it didn't get done, he got the current job from an application I put in months ago. When he was working be was using credit cards to pay for everything yet never told me he was that financially strapped, no communication. I didn't find out til he maxed the cards out and we woke up to no heat to which I then had to clean up his mess and drain my bank account just to get heat back in the house which is the way it goes for all our basics in the home. I refuse to go down with him in his financial hole, my credit card is close to being maxed out now. I don't know what a seperation will do or if it'll even work to get him to be responsible, I have no idea what to do at this point. He's been slippery with money. I gave him $2k for a good faith deposit on our home when we bought it & he used it to pay off a loan and then asked for the 2k from his mother, financially it works out the same but he never told me about it until later, it's the principal of the whole thing, resented him for that as well as well as many other financial woes we incurred due to his irresponsibility. I kept myself in the dark with all the bills here until last yr when I had to take on all of them while I only made $400 a month. We went hungry and cold for a while until I broke down and applied for state assistance & we are now on foodstamps and LIHEAP for our heat but we still can't pay electric, water, mortgage, car payments or anything else. We aren't really on good speaking terms right now since yesterday yet again I dug into him about finances. He had hired a sub to do my paper route for the weekend, he has yet to pay her & I got on him for that his response is to let her come to him, I told him this is wrong he needs to call her and pay her since he set it all up and made a verbal agreement with her, he turned it around on me & said I should be the one going after her for payment....if I confront him again with this next week he'll say he never said that...this is how our marriage has been going for the past 4 yrs. I can't take it anymore yet I still love him very much and want to spend the rest of my life with him yet I want so bad to get out of here and out of this environment. I'm tired of the madness and rat race of trying so desperately to keep things from being shut off or to keep the repo man away from my car, a car I own and pay for-he stopped paying the car payments too so the bank came after me for payment so now I'm stuck paying another one of his messes. I wish I had the strength to leave, I have a suitcase packed upstairs..God knows if I'll ever do it.

I know the feeling all to well. My husband and I have been married for 4 1/2 years and together 9 and 1/2. He has been unemployed for a total of 3 years of our relationship. It is frustrating, I love him and resent him all at the same time. I work 2 jobs his unemployment was denied and we are having to file bankruptcy for 150,000 dollars in medical bills because in February he had triple by pass surgery and went back to work for 4 months and was fired, again. Sometimes work is the only break I get. Not only is he unemployed but also controlling due to previous relationships. I am just as fed up as you.

I am still unemployed and I do not want to live anymore. I love my sons so much. They are going to school and working part time jobs but it does not begin to pay anything. There money is taking up by getting to work and paying for parking passes and used books. I'm a single dad who is 43 and always been able to provide. But these last four years are hell. Truck was repossessed.had to file bk and still not enough to pay to live. I love my country. I miss my AMERICA. I'm sorry for writing this. I am a coward and it is so hard to kill myself. I do care for all of America and especially my sons and my dogs.

dear gbm68 - please don't think like that. this board isn't about men or women like you who are trying. your sons know you love them and they are working to help. don't take that blessing from them. they know you love them. they know you would do anything to help them. and you already have. i've been where you are and made it through. you will too. but this isn't about anybody's AMERICA. we're all in this together. we all struggle, we all fail, we all get back up and we help each other out. that's what this board is for. if nothing else, we can give a sympathetic ear, share stories, maybe even a laugh or two. to know that the struggle is not ours alone. that's MY america. don't kill yourself. that's not the legacy you want to leave your sons. i've been there too. i wouldn't be here if not for the grace of God. and the same goes for you. there is a better time coming for you and your sons. trust me. i'm almost there. and you will be too! my advice - do what you can. make sure your sons have a nurturing and supportive environment for succeeding in school. make sure the house is clean and straight, the yard is clean. make sure you tell them how much you appreciate their help and how proud you are of how they are handling this situation. make sure they know that school is the priority that will lift you all out of poverty and most importantly, take care of yourself so you can continue to support them. this won't last forever and you will be a better, stronger man because of it and be an inspiration to your sons. don't let the enemy tell you everyone would be better off without you. it's simply not true. you do the best you can and when you know better, you do better. good luck and God bless you. you will make it through this. i'm counting on it. :-)

married 28 years. children grown wirh one at home. husband out of work for 9 months, technically, but underemployed for many years. evictions, reposessions, utility cutoffs...ive been through it all. and believe it or not, i didnt complain. but last year this time, i found out he had been sexting with his high school girlfriend. yes, seriously. i planned to leave then, but he convinced me it was nothing. i said id stay if he cut off all communication. he did...for a while. but now shes back. my issue is hes using a broken down computer i had to borrow from a student where i work, using my ipod as a phone that i set up, to communicate and send pics and sext. then watching tv on the big screen tv i bought when hes not checking emil for alerts from dating sites. all while i work full time. i feel guilty thinking about leaving while hes unemployed because it doesnt look like hes beyond depending on my son to pick up the slack, which would put his moving plans on hold. thanx for sharing your stories. i pray each night for a break in the clouds for all of us.

Like most commenters - I am in a similar situation. I have been the primary bread-winner and my husband was laid off over 1 year ago and he has bee looking for a job ever since. I've been at the same job for 9 years and stuck with it so we could have health insurance and a steady job for me to go back to after 2 pregnancies and maternity leave. Finally ready to make a move and can not leave since I'm the only one bringing in a paycheck (not counting his unemployment). Its frustrating because he has been able to get his unemployment extended 2 times - which we are using to pay for full time preschool for our younger child. He finally got a response for a job with a delivery company which he accepted. Problem is that its Part-time and the night shift which leaves me to handle the school pick-ups and sports team activities each night. I LOVE to do that stuff but at times it feels like I'm in it alone rather than part of a team. Difficult to be supportive at times like this.

I feel the sorrow...I have threatened to leave many times because of his unemployed status for close to 5 years.. My question is..When will it be my turn to be taken care of? Do I have to wake up every day having to figure out life? When can I just sleep in and feel that everything will be ok?

I too have come across this by keyword searching because I have been stressed and plagued by this situation. I have been married for 5 yrs and this is my second marriage. I didn't have this problem with my first husband so I wasn't really paying attention to the fact that I was actually "being used". I received the house (and mortgage) from my divorce and so my second husband just moved in with the expectation of him helping with monthly living expenses and household chores etc. We went on a trip about 2 mos after our wedding and was involved in a car accident and since then he had been using the excuse that he's too sore to work and he needs his meds but can't work with them because they make him drowsy. I also found out that he had owed back child support for 2 children from 2 previous marriages. Because of the large amount of back child support his credit is shot. So anything that needs credit, such as loans or credit cards, I'm the one responsible. He's had on and off jobs for about 3-4 yrs and found ways of "scraping" by, but there were sometimes he just said he didn't have the money and couldn't do anything about it. I constantly remind him that he needs to contribute and help me out but I keep getting these empty promises about how he has "something" lined up and blah blah blah. But the icing on the cake was when his "adult" daughter (that he still owes back child support for) came to live with us. He tells me 2 weeks before she moved in. So I was totally taken aback. I told him he would have to contribute more because what he was giving me wasn't even enough for he and I. He wasn't working at the time and kept saying he had a job lined up. Well it took a few months before he was employed, but then has almost $1000/mo taken out for back child support!!!!! So he still is short with money and still comes up with excuses. Now his daughter's boyfriend is living with us and they both hardly make any money and now I'm supporting 3 adults who are all incapable of supporting their own selves. There is no way they would be able to make it on their own. I could go on and on with stories, but I guess this is all in my hands and I need to make a decision to either deal with this for the rest of my marriage or just kick him to the curb! At this point I can't find a reason to make me want to stay in this marriage.

I had went through a lawsuit due to terrible work circumstances with my husband's agreement after being sexually harassed and putting up with a hostile work environment. I have not been employed for well over a year. But I am still paying all the bills here at home. He has his own business, but it does not even pull in enough money to pay the company's bills and give a portion for the household bills. I have been unable to get a position due to blacklisting by my former employer...even WalMart will not accept me. I had suggested that I get a job out of the town we live in, but he refuses to move away. I spend eight hours a day, seven days a week looking for a job as my job. I have asked him to go out and find a job, but he says he likes what he is doing and does not think he needs to change what he is doing. Or he wants me to find a job for him. He complains that all I am about is the money. I guess it is easy for him to say, when he is not paying the bills to sustain our home. He barely helps me around the house and he did not help me or rarely helped when I was employed. So, I have let him do the unfinished landscaping on the yard, since I do not have the time to do everything and he lets me know about this all the time that he is the one that has done the majority of the landscaping. He always turns it around on me like I was the ungrateful one and his infrequent help of taking out the trash and his landscaping should be commended for doing his part. I admit I have not done as much landscaping as his has, but I have done plenty of it on my own. I leveled and planted the front yard's grass on my own. I take care of the all the landscaping and yard mainly by myself including mowing, planting, weeding, fertilizing, and watering. Now, that the season is turning into winter, I can get to shovel the snow. I do everything for this man, but get little in return but burden and his expectations of wanting sex. I cannot have even a conversation with him, since after dinner, he goes to bed and watches television. He is in the process of receiving money from his parents and he informed me today he was going to use HIS money the way he wants to use it. Of course, I will be expected to support him and continue to pay the bills. I really despise his mental abuse and I resent him. After he told me he was going to squander his money on what he wants, I asked him where he was going to live, since I am at wits end trying to figure out how to live on the little I have left. He is a heavy drinker and chews, but he will not give these habits up to even save us a dime. I, on the other hand, have given everything up to save money. Our marriage had started out pretty rocky. I paid for the majority of the wedding, the wedding rings, his credit card balances and his high interest loan to give us a better start. He did not pay for any of the wedding. I think he feels I should be honored to have him as a husband and thank my lucky stars or something for him. He has always put himself, his friends, his family, his job, his social activities, and his dog before me. I was/am expected to take care of him, his parents, his friends and dog. Throughout the years I moved up in the pecking order due to attrition and the passing of his dog, but I still come after his parents, social activities and himself. I believe as a Christian I should stick this marriage out, but I do not know if I will survive it. I am not unlike the man thinking a massive coronary would cure my problems, since my husband has let me know I am worthless that I have not gotten a job to continue to support him in the manner he was accustomed to all these years. I have went through a very terrible and depressing last year and received very little emotional support from him. On top of everything, I had gotten pneumonia (I still have not gotten over it after months) and miscarried, but I was still expected to take care of 'our' home and look for a job as if nothing ever happened to me mentally or physically. I am an educated, not bad looking and strong woman. I have compromised every step of the way in the marriage without him giving me nary as much in return. I guess I am just looking for a sign and needed a sounding board, since I am alone in this relationship. I do not know if I can keep on doing this...

Same situation for me as well ladies... (sigh) Maybe its like really much healthier for us to remain single since we'll have to at least support ourselves anyway since the men don't/can't man up and do it. A lot of men are comfortable and happy that their wives work and are willing to support them. My thing is at least support yourself if you don't/can't support me as your wife. Keep your money and we go 50/50 on living expenses at least that will leave some money in my pocket to save and get a car and go back to school and buy my little girl the things she needs. But he expects for me to shoulder this responsibility and that I should do it with out a negative attitude. I live pay check to paycheck although I make enough to support myself and my little girl reasonably with enough left over to enjoy. But feeding a grown man who eats twice as much as me and smokes is HARD!! Too hard. Each time I present divorce he talks me down into staying and being patient. I know a lot of us are staying with these men due to our Faith in God because its the right thing to do. But at the cost of our health, happiness and stability. May God have mercy on us who chose to walk away and live a single life. And don't be afraid to be alone ladies, these marriages are killers to our self-esteem, health, and happiness. We don't have to be DO IT ALL WOMEN. Lets chose!!! May God have mercy on us!

When I typed the combination of search words to get myself here I could hardly believe it! There are other woman just as frustrated as me!!!! My boyfriend and I have lived together for the past year. He has not had a job for the entire time. He keeps saying that his best friend is going to start a business and that he's going to work with him..they did ONE job 6 months ago and I held a total of 200 bucks in my hands. What brought me here today was, I just emailed him and asked him what he was doing...he said he and his best friend were still playing xbox..mind you, when I called him at 9am...this is what they were doing! I am just sick and tired of carrying this grown man. Feeding and clothing and housing him. Not to mention we both smoke cigarettes and just waits until I get some to smoke...I'm just so mad and there are just soo many things that upset me about him...I'm just sick of this entire situatino and it causes my attitude towards him to change..and I really hate that because at one point I was madly in love with him..at this point I can barely stand the sight of him....

Like everyone else on here, I am glad I came across this old post. Hopefully, there are a few who wrote on it, where their situation has changed for the better! I feel I can't really complain so much about my husband, because I married him while he was unemployed, with the hope that at anytime he could have a job! <br />
It seems it is usually me helping him apply for jobs, which is fine because I would like to be a blessing to him. If he was applying constantly I would not be angry or resentful, but he seems very apathetic. Part of this is that his dad still sends him money to help us by. His dad did threaten once to not keep doing that, and then it seemed like he was more inspired to apply, but that didn't last long at all.<br />
We have been married almost exactly a year, and he has worked a holiday temp job for about a month, and a substitute driver for a day. Right now, he says he has a job because he is on a sub list..Well, we have an 11 month old baby which he is wonderful! And I have two children from a previous marriage.<br />
I can really identify with those who say their husband is understanding,shows support,etc, + man-child. And I understand not seeing friends as much. It just gets so old not being able to plan for anything because I don't count on his dad as support- Why would I??<br />
And yes- he still smokes--a pack a day! SOoo..I betcha if he didn't have the money for his smokes he would be going out of his mind!! Maybe something would catch on?? <br />
I do work, but only part time and it is an online job, and I feel like if he had a job I would appreciate him when he came home. I<br />
I need to stop ranting and raving! I do appreciate who he is, and how hard he works on the house, and the good father/step father he is...I sometimes have trouble with respect because of the Job situation.<br />
Better days ahead ultimately for those who trust God and His Son!

I am too I am glad that there are people in the same boat as me. Hearing your stories makes me that I am not alone. I have the same story. Its coming up on a year. No work, and yet he seems to be holding out for a certain position. The house work waits for me. He will cook, and do his laundry. I have to get mad and actually write a list so that things will start to get done, but they never get finished. So after I get home from work I try to some of that house work. He spends lots of time on his phone, then on the computer, I have to keep saying its because he is looking for a job. But I know better, too many social apps. I get angry, then I just do what I need to do for me. I gotten to the point where I don't care anymore. I have to take care of myself or I think I will go mad. He has no job, but continues to smoke. I am frustrated. His mother also lives with us and that has also taken its toll. I am the only one working. She does contribute to the household. Between the two of us we are trying to keep it together. We/spouse and i don't talk much either, he gets irriated about me asking him about his progress on finding a job.<br />
So I just keep on... thank you for your posts and I am glad i am not alone! :)

I agree with most of you as well. I am a newly wed and my husband has been unemployed ever since the day after our wedding...some way to walk into a marriage huh? He has not been able to find a job and it has been 6 months now. He is a wonderful man and I do not regret being married to him because he is everything that I could have asked in a husband. Before we were married I could handle a mortgage and all of my own personal bills but now that we are in this together I just dont make enough to cover OUR expenses monthly. Financially this is absolutely the worse it has ever been for me and I'm finding myself falling into a depression. I try to be loving, supportive, sympathetic, and understanding but I have just lost faith that it will ever get better....I believe in GOD, whole heartedly but this is tough on me and my family and all I would like is just a moment to breathe without bill collectors harrassing me and having to set up payment arrangements before the paycheck even hits the bank. Buying groceries is a debate now because I know that we have to eat but I just cant afford to go because the bills are due. Lord I pray that you please turn this around for me and my family because I really dont know how much longer I am going to be able to support all of us without having a nervous breakdown. I never had the opportunity to enjoy being a wife because I had to immediately assume the role of PRIMARY PROVIDER. While most newly weds are honey mooning and smiling Im working OT trying to make it from day to day and I am just tired : (

Baby Girl reading your post was just like reading my own story. You put into words perfectly what I am too afraid to think or say. We never got to go on a honeymoon, it's been closer to a year now and still no job for him. I have been working supporting everything and trying to be good and sympathetic to him. He is home all day and does do the chores, cooking, cleaning and applies to jobs everyday. He sends out hundreds of resumes a week. I know he has been trying to find something. In the meantime, he has been taking care of the house and do what he can in that arena. I know he is a good man and he is trying. So I feel guilty to feel the way I do but I am just not happy. I am soo dissatisfied and tired of making sacrifices and living on a tight budget and not being able to even take a weekend trip much less a honeymoon. Plus he doesn't drive so I have to do all of our running around. I feel like beside him cooking/cleaning I get no help. I appreciate that he cooks and cleans but the biggest things are missing. He needs a job. He needs to be able to help me out financially and pull his own weight at least. I feel angry at him. This weekend I had a huge outburst over a small issue. But it wasn't just about the small issue...I reacted harshly because of everything..because of the big issues too. I know he is a trying and he is doing what he can and I appreciate the effort he makes. But the effort is no longer enough. I am not happy. And I am lashing out and taking things out on him over the smallest issues because the big things aren't there. I am overly harsh and it's because I am resentful, angry and frustrated. I can't even get pregnant because I have a husband that can't support a family. Plus I can't afford to take any time off. I am just so confused..this one "little thing" of him finding a job is taking such a huge toll on me and is really making life stagnant. We can't buy a house, or have a family or take trips or even go out to eat a nice place. I thought I was crazy for being sooo hugely affected by this one issue but now I see that i am not alone and my thinking is not messed up.

I am so greatful for finding this. I am 39 years old have a teenage daughter from a previous marriage. My current husband has been out of work for the past 3 1/2 years. I know he has been looking for employment. He has went on numorous interviews. However, nothing ever comes of them. He does help keep the house clean, cooks, does laundry, and helps with my daughter and the teenage boyfriend drama.<br />
However, I like you ladies just wants him to get a JOB at this point. To help with some of the finances. I am so stressed out over bills it is just a huge arguement every month. I love my husband dearly. He is a wonderful man in every way. The finances and what i make just don't add up anymore. So now i'm looking at taking on a 2nd job to help cover everything. <br />
The funny thing the government says i make to much money for food stamps and any of the other government programs. So no help thier, I have borrowed money from my parents to the point as when i call some of the first words out of thier mouth is how much do you need this time. <br />
I know he is just as frustrated as i am with the employment situtation. But something has got to give. I have put on some weight and don't feel very attractive at all because of it. My hair lately has become dull and lifeless to the point i have a bald spot on the back of my head. luckly though it long enough to put it in a pony tail and it covers the bald spot.<br />
I tried being supportive, understanding, and tring to up lift his spirits and tell him things will get better. However, i'm beat down, tired physically and emoitionally drained. To the point were i'm just becoming very angry, depressed, and out right numb.<br />
I'm just glad to know that i'm not alone. That thier are others out here that feel the same way and going threw simular things.

Wow! I can relate to many of the women on this thread. I too am a newlywed of a few months and my my fiance (now husband) was employed during our courtship and then laid off twice during our courtship and engagement. We were optimistic he would find something by the time we got married. He did actually find temp work the week before we married but was not hired on permanently and been out of work since. It's been difficult but luckily I'm fortunate that we have always been able to pay our bills and he was fiscally responsible before we met and didn't have debt except 1 credit card. It's been almost a year since he's found steady f/t work. He's tried so hard and works odd jobs on and off when he can but no one hires him f/t permanent. I know if he could he'd give me the world, so in the meantime I have to support us both. I felt that resentment early on but didn't express it because I know he feels bad enough. Luckily we communicate well and he reads me too well. I finally talked to him about my frustrations and stress but in a way conscious about his feelings. I don't want to make him feel worse than he does. He sees my stress and is always offering ways to help out around the house. Most days he cooks for me , has dinner waiting, he cleans around the house and does laundry. Any little way he can help out I appreciate. I too get looks and disgust from my own family so much so a month before our small wedding they told me they don't support us due to his employment situation. I had no support from my family. I believe in God and my husband, we'll work it out. Marriage is for better or worse not only if you can pay for me. Yes a man is to provide for his family but when the going gets tough, we do what is takes to sustain our household. I too am approaching 35 and although I'd like kids to be an option, we've already discussed - no stability = no kids and I'm ok with that. I'm at the point where I'm not sure I want to bring a child in this crazy world but what God sees fit to happen will happen. I can't worry about what if's or I'd go bananas. I'm holding true to that. I don't want to bring a child in this world we can't afford. Everything in God's timing. He makes the impossible possible. I just try to remain encouraging and grateful for the little we are able to sustain. We have each other, we still find time to laugh and still try to maintain nights to go out (for free) to connect. It's hard but it is what it is. Don't give up ladies. Don't always look at other people with the grass is greener mentality, because you never know at what cost living that lifestyle means behind closed doors. I wish all the women strength to carry on and all the husbands keep your chin up and stay strong, be prayerful and hold on. No one said life or marriage was easy, but persevering through it all to the other side is such sweet satisfaction!

I think it is hard when your husband has been the main breadwinner support you and our kids, while you stay home with them. Then, finally you go back to work for simulation as the kids get older, but you are not the main source of income. Now my husband has been unemployed for a year and I see him "spinning his wheels" I want to direct him, inspire him, question him, but anything I say doesn't seem to have an effect. He is very well qualified in sales management and training. I just don't know what to do.

Ive been with this man for seven years when I met him he was in a bad car accident and lost a contract for laying tile floor. he has had at least six jobs in four years and two years ago started a business that he under bids on to get work and its hit and miss when he finds work. When I tell you Im not a happy camper the words arent enough to express my frustration, dissapointment, fear and self doubt that I have married the wronge man..... Im on the edge. I think it is pitiful for the man that has never provided for his family to think he has the right to be picky about how he feeds his family. What would these guys do if they didnt have us?? I bet they would be at home depot then......And why are we tolerating this bull crap?? Im in the same boat as yall,,,,,,,Hes nice, understanding, kind and loving. Only problem is its costing my a@# my pay check for such an emotionally understanding guy ...Dont get me wronge ladies..I MAKE him pay the lights water and gas which is NOT 500.00 per month and you know what ladies? He comes up with it because if he doesnt and the lights get turned off I will not turn them back on. I tell him to figure it out. And he better not look in my direction for anything. My contribution to the home is 2500 per month. I cant do it anymore. Im 40 years old and ive been working since I was 15 with no end in sight. Ive raised three boys and my tolerance for all this burping, reassuring and spoon feeding went out the window. If it were up to this man i would be living in an extended stay hotel with the threat of being evicted every week rent was due. Im putting my foot down Im moving out (thank you Lord this house is rented) and when he gets his crap together he can come hollar at me until then kick rocks buddy! <br />
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To the men that are surfing the web and are reading this cause you cant find a job and those that just want to milk it for all its worth......GET over it.......your woman would much rather see you trying by taking anything then hearing you make excuses. We want results not excuses. There is nothing more attractive than a man that takes his butt to work and contributes something. We're feeling used guys

Finally, I am not alone! I have been married for 26 years and for the last 5 my husband has been employed for 1 of those. He was laid off and was out for nearly 2 years, then found something in his field and the company promised full time but that never happened. They took advantage of him for 30 hours a week for a year, then let him go. Now he has been looking for 16 months. He is just past 50, very handsome and youthful looking, but his age, and lack of steady work are what the employers are looking at. I am now working full time and part time and I hate that I am resenting him, because I know he feels terrible. I have one child in college and another will enter in 2 years. We have exhausted our savings and I am begging to put the house up because we simply cannot afford it. Unemployment is almost exhausted, and I just feel like he has no plan. Top that off with we are not allowed to tell family or friends, so there goes a huge network. He is too embarrassed and too full of pride. Well, pride doesn't feed your family. I resent that I am working two jobs, and still do the bulk of the housework and cooking. I am at the point where I can't even look at him and wish he would leave the house when I am home. It sounds awful, but I can't help it. We never talk and I have no desire to be intimate anymore.

I can relate so much, I have been with my husband for over ten years, during that time I have been the main breadwinner up and except a few years. He has been a able to quit jobs knowing I have his back, yet not me. I have stayed two years longer in a job in which i have suffered bullying on the job and he is just happy I make the main money to pay mortgage and major bills. He does pay some bills but when I am in summer, due to being a teacher, we are bearly 30 days late to be a able to pay mortgage bill, my carpayment is late, my utilities were threatedned to be shut off so we are a month in the rears, car insurance is also behind and second mortgage too, no money to live on, all credit is in my name, and he had talked me into a harley in which i do not ride, we can not get rid of and he tries to pay that. His ex wife and him have been divorced for 13 years and he pays child support and she has him paying for kids clothing , school supplies, he even paid for a vacation for them last year in which I never attended even though he was not there. iam turned off sexually in which he blames that i am abnormal, I feel used and abused, never allowed to speak or he threatens to use anything i say to tell the world i am the bad one in the marriage. He thinks that it is me. His exwife does not work, but and has also asked him for money than cuts the kids off because we cannot pay our bills but he is supposedto buy his daughter new school clothes. I provide health insurance for him and my daughter out of my paycheck and he has never done that for me or his kids nor has his exwife. I hate my life and feel like a piece of useless crap stuck in a trap with not a sole to talk nor understand why he turns me off, he just thinks I am a prude. I am not I just can not count on empty promises and was married to someone years ago who was a provider so I know better exists. However, he puts the blame on me and tells my father and his father that he has to put up with alot of **** from me and the exwife. This hurts and I need help Please. thank you for lettting me share Melissa

I am so embarrassed and confused about this situation that I can't talk to anyone. I've been dating this man for about a year. Our has been a long distance relationship which makes it harder. I'm a divorced mother of two working full time to try and support my kids. He is also a divorced father raising two kids on his own. He is a nice, kind, loving, caring man but I'm really starting to resent the relationship. Since the year I have known him he has moved several times most recently followed a job opportunity to a different state. He was recently fired. He found another job but due to some circumstances at work he will not start for another three months. He complains that he doesn't have money, enough money, etc. I'm also a single mother trying to survive as he is. I pinched here and there and saved money to go see him (mind you, I did). My kids had the time of their life. <br />
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Since that trip I have been feeling angry towards him. I resent the relationship. While up there he proposed which blew my mind. But I'm so angry and he doesnt see it. He talks about getting married, buying a house, going on trips, wanting this, etc. I made every effort while there to give my kids a wonderful time. Since he lost his job that included paying for everyone, buying for everyone, putting gas in vehicles and buying groceries or what ever he thought would be fun for kids. <br />
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I have since been home and all he does is play on the computer, text me, call me, run around with friends but doesn't see need to find job since he should have a job in three months. He keeps saying he wants to come to where I live to visit since he isn't working but he doesn't have the money etc. <br />
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I've struggled for so long that I don't want into another relationship that is not financially stable.. <br />
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It's just sad to see that I am not the only one dealing with this. I wish you the best and will pray for you as I pray for my circumstances.

Me too. I have been with my husband for 12 years and married for just three. We have a two and half year old and since I was pregnant he has had 5 jobs. The shortest lasted just 1 month.<br />
I am so embarrassed about it I can't talk to anyone. My family is so sick of it they are now avoiding me , which is hard because I feel so alone.<br />
For most of his relationship he had a good job but was always bad with money. The signs were there but I loved him and believed in him. I think I mothered him.<br />
Now I have my real baby I don't want to mother him. I want to have an equal partner to take responsibility.<br />
I am so sick of nagging him and he just switches off anyway. The worst thing is the respect is gone. Which means that I don't find him attractive and he just majorly irritates me. I become this horrible person because of this and I just don't want to be that person for my daughter, or me. But splitting up the family is that better? Gosh I just don't know.

Wow! I can't believe so many other women are facing what I'm going through. I'm in Africa but I could be any one of you ladies. My husband hasn't had a steady job throughout our 3 and a half marriage. He gets filming gigs now and again but nothing sustainable. I know the market is tough but really what am I supposed to do? I feel that as a man he should hustle. That's what decent men do! I feel so bad about being upset because I somehow think God is showing me that I am relying on "man" as my source and not Him. <br />
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All I know is, 2 chidren later, he should have some urgency to do something!

I have been with my husband for 4 years, married for 2. When I first met him, he had a great job and we fell in love fast. Within a couple of months, he became unemployed. He decided to go back to school to get a real degree, and with being able to collect unemployment, it seemed like the best thing to do. After we got married, I've been even harder on him to finding a job. He basically went to school online and he never cooks dinner. He says that he cleans and takes care of the apartment and our 2 dogs, I do more cleaning than him. There are so many days I come home from work, and he is in his underwear, playing video games, or worse, he is still in bed asleep. He shows me the jobs that he has applied for, but for the longest time, he refused to apply to Burger King or Mcdonalds. Finally his pride got the best of him and he started applying for minimum wage jobs, but he never gets a call for them. Throughout this experience, we both have gained weight and I feel so unattractive. He wants sex but I never do. I have to use sex as a bribe to get him to do something, like the dishes. I resent him so much. Everytime we fight about it, I get so angry and depressed. I feel like I am bipolar. It also makes me suicidal because I feel like it's a better option than to stay with my loser husband. I have threatened him with divorce, but he always threatens back how he will take everything that i have and collect ailomony. I wish I never married him. I wish I never met him. My family gives me a hard time about him not having a job. I have a great job and I am a great person, and I know I can find someone with a job who can love me and take care of me better than my husband. I just don't know what I am going to do anymore.

I m also having more or less the same story. I am married for last 3 years. My husband resigned from his to explore further opportunities in other country but unfortunately he ended up with nothing and came back to home. Till date, he is the only person at home 24*7. I really find myself in a mess of debts as I am also unemployed. I too dream of a husband who earns well and takes care of his wife well. I am really fed up such life.

Oh dear. I found this thread, too. What a terrible time we live in. :( My fiance just won't make any effort to get a real job. Keeps chasing phantom contract work that is related to what was once his full-time occupation. When he does get gigs, he ****** people off by showing up late. He just won't "man up" and get an unpleasant, yet reliable, low-paying job to help make ends meet. It seems that part is up to me.<br />
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I have never had to support two people before, and I have never been a big bread winner. I just don't see how we can make it work, and I just don't see him putting forth any effort. He keeps waiting for that opportunity that does not exist to fall into his lap... is all depressed and not doing anything. Meanwhile I am working two jobs, went back to school to get an education in a field that might pay more, have put on several pounds, and also cannot sleep unless I have the television on. I have lost all interest in socializing and in my hobbies. I am just so stressed out and also very depressed. <br />
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Our love life has dwindled to him just laying there, expecting me to initiate the entire session and then get on top and do everything. Gets his feelings hurt when we don't have regular lovemaking, too. Very unsexy. Very depressing. <br />
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And like others have said, he is just always THERE. I have no time to myself. When I am not working, I am supposed to be there to take care of him. I just kind of want to die right now, to be honest. This depressed man-child is so different from the person I fell in love with. Is there an end? When will he buck up and get back on the ball? I'm dying here. :(

My heart goes out to you BlessedBaker. Your post really resonated with me. My husband has not worked in 17 years. Many of the feelings and side effects you're experiencing I share with you...the depression, anger, anxiety, weight gain, inability to sleep, withdrawal from friends. Like you, I'm 51 years old and know I'll probably never be able to retire in the traditional sense. Like your husband, mine is a good-natured individual who helps in all the ways yours does...but seemingly is emotionally unincumbered by his unemployment! (Of course, I know it isn't true.) I keep on thinking that these bad times can't go on forever, and even after the darkest night there's a dawn...blah, blah...but nothing ever changes...year after year... I follow the lives of friends, watching them move forward -- new homes, promotions, children, vacation adventures-and yes, new and happier marriages. I've dropped out of sight as I'm ashamed, and I'm certain that they're embarrassed for us. Socially it's awkward and isolating. I never saw my life ending up like this. Like you, my husband of 25 years is my best friend and besides my son and an estranged brother,he is my only living family member. He's similary alone in the world. The only emotional support we have is each other. Like you, we're committed to keeping our marriage together. Our son, who's very close to his Dad, would be devastated if we parted ways. That said, he's old enough to question his inability to find work...any work. Like you, I've implored him to take a non-professional job, just to get him out of the house and start interacting with others...Home Depot...Safeway...anywhere! Nothing. My husband is clinically depressed (who wouldn't be?) Before he lost his (high power/paying) job he had tendancies towards depression, seasonal disorder, etc. I too have been treated (medicinally) though not counselling, for depression. Just a thought -- since our circumstances are so similar, have you considered consulting you family MD to get treatment for depression. I've found that most physicians -- given our situations - are sympathetic, can prescribe medications that can alleviate some of the symptoms you and your husband are experiencing. I know lots of folks are against getting medical help, for religious/philosophical reasons, etc. And, of course, that's to be respected. Obviously, getting help for depression doesn't fundamentally change your life...just your outlook. It's equivalent to a temporary lifting of the fog and gloom. It's useful if only to rid yourself of the repetative obsessive thoughts and allow yourself a good night's rest, which you probably desperately need and in turn might give you the strength and insight to make the decisions you need to for your future as well as those of your husbands. I've found professional counselling to be a bunk, because after all these years, there's nothing wrong that a wage-earning job for your husband wouldn't make right. It's enough to make the most sane of us crazy. Try to keep exercising even though you don't have a gym anymore. It's a natural anti-depressant. The only other advice that I can offer is to concentrate more on yourself both professionally and socially -- try to put some emotional distance between you and your husband. I know that sounds antithetical to sticking together, but the truth is you may have to in order to stay together. I've found that I've had to stop taking my husband's failures personally. While we love our hubands and are in many ways-- after all these years --of one mind --we cannot change them. We can't make them go out and find that job that we so desparately want for them. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink...There came a point for me that I simply had to accept my husband...the generous, likeable, loving helpmate as he is now (he isn't the husband I married). Is it ideal? No. Do I wish for better? Of course. But in the meantime, it takes the focus off of what isn't working in your relationship and places it on what is. Furthermore, it puts the control back in your hands...only you can change you. Give yourself credit everyday for holding things together! Just know that you're not alone and remember the Serenity Prayer:<br />
God, grant me the serenity<br />
To accept the things I cannot change,<br />
Courage to change the things I can,<br />
and wisdom to know the difference.

I am realizing how strongly I feel about my situation after reading some of your posts. I am a 51 year old Christian woman who has been married to the man I consider to be the absolute love of my life for 31 years. We have gone through all the emotional highs and lows of raising two grown sons together. This is the third time we are going through a situation where he has been unemployed, but this one is going on 3 years now. I didn't even think of the word "resentment" until I read some of these posts. I DID think of the word angry. Yes, I feel angry, but mostly I feel a sense of helplessness and depression. He is the one with a bachelor's degree in finance and an MBA. I quit college during my junior year and took a job as a bank teller because we didn't want to wait to get married. We started out with nothing but love and the gifts we received at our wedding showers! We have always loved each other and even though we have gone through tough times financially and even more so with raising our children (both boys had issues with drug and alcohol abuse and one even spent 2 years in prison), we've always considered ourselves a team. We work through all our troubles together. I am thankful that I have a job. I am thankful that he is getting at least some "contract" work. I know that he has sent out hundreds of resumes to people he was associated with from his past employers, family, friends, and acquaintances, all to no avail. I know that he has applied for over 1,200 jobs during this 3 year period, nothing, not even 1 interview. I know that he has spoken with 5 different recruiters who at first think they can help, but nothing ever comes of it. He is on Linked In, constantly updating things, but again, all this effort is fruitless. What I am upset about is that we agreed that if he did not find a job by June 1st, he would abandon his search for a "professional' job using his experience, skills, and education, and just start applying at places like Quick Trip, Home Depot, etc. I just need him to have a job. The deadline is past and he still won't do it. He says they wouldn't hire him anyway because they would know he would leave if he found a better job. What I know is that I am so tired of not being able to do anything, buy anything, have friends over like we used to do (we can't afford the food), help our kids out. The one who spent some time in prison is working hard to turn his life around and he would like to go back to school, but we can't help him out. HE EVEN HAS A JOB!! I started really feeling angry a couple of months ago when I had to cancel a membership to my gym because we could not afford it. I have since gained 8 pounds. Folks at my church are so sweet and encouraging, praying for us, believing that he is going to get a job. I feel terrible that I just can't muster up the belief any more. I have always been a very regular church goer, all my life. But lately, I've stated staying away, even though my husband still goes on without me. I just can't face those sweet friendly faces when all I want to do is scream. My husband is like a rock. I can't sleep at night, but he's out in less than 5 minutes. I've started sleeping in my recliner most nights because it seems late night tv is the only thing that helps me get to sleep. It keeps me from thinking. If I think, I can't sleep. The other thing is, I feel very guilty for feeling angry because he not only is trying to find a job, but he has become almost like my housekeeper and personal secretary. He does all the laundry, all the yardwork, cleans the kitchen up after I cook (He does not cook because cooking is one of my hobbies that gives me a great deal of pleasure.), purchases all the groceries, runs all the household errands, manages our finances, pays our bills, etc. Still I resent, yes resent, the fact that I feel the burden of financial responsibility. I can't even talk about retiring, maybe when I'm 78. We had to cancel our vacation (we planned it months in advance hoping he would have a job by then). We've had to drop activities like dancing that we both enjoyed because we can't afford it. I felt so guilty when I recently purchased some spring clothes that I sent half of them back. I could go on and on. But this one thing I know: marriage is about commitment. It's about sticking with someone you love, getting through the tough times together, working though issues. I think back to all the wonderful times I've had with my husband and I know, I LOVE HIM, AND I AM NOT GOING TO LET THIS BEAT US.

I had to search on this topic....and found this site. I too am way beyond resentful. As I write this my 55 y.o. chronically unemployed husband is watching another movie. I just turned 50 and watch my enthusiasm and joy for life circle the drain. Like many of you, I am exhausted, bitter and resentful. We have been married for 12 years and other than seasonal temp jobs he has been employed for a grand total of 9 months. I have a very stressful job as a therapist in a hospital and the sole breadwinner. Our 25 year old house has been under constant renovation for the past 9 years. He allegedly works on the house every day since he doesn't have a job, but I come home after a long hard day at work to find him sitting on the couch and ask "what did you do all day?" "I'm working on the..." yet nothing gets finished ever. I can't take this any more. I too, have pulled up jobs, websites, helped him with his resume, yet I don't consider him hustling to find a job. Why should he when he has stupid me to pay the bills? I have put on weight, am depressed all the time, trudge through my day at work having to deal with other people's problems at the hospital and have to come home and deal with this situation. <br />
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We do not have any kids, but 2 wonderful dogs that keep me sane and peaceful. Both of my parents and only brother are deceased so other than distant relatives, I have no one close if I chose to leave. And financially, thanks to this rotten housing market, would lose a ton of money trying to sell a half completed house and ruin my credit if I walked away. Haven't had sex in years, and frankly don't care to anymore at least not with him. I know this sounds harsh, but I don't have anything left most days. I know there are other people with far more stuff to deal with and I am grateful for the means to pay my bills, my health, a roof over my head, but this is the first time I have really let this off my chest. We women are notorious for just sucking in all up and doing what needs to be done and care for everybody else. Thanks for reading and sharing comments.

I think we women need to sometimes get tougher. We need to stop sympathizing and feeling pity for our jobless husbands. Just because he is nice, kind, loving, caring and does the cooking/cleaning does not give him a free pass. We are capable women...we want financial security; we want a man who can help us out at least take care of himself; we don't need a maid or a cook. Today I told my jobless husband that I was done feeling sorry for him. I was no longer going to be a part of his pity party. No more excuses. No more "but he is a good/ nice man who cleans the house." We know what we need and we deserve to get it. We have to get tough, let him know that we are serious and mean business, and will not continue to put up with his b.s. The buck stops here.

My husband has been unemployed for a while now he was going to school on the GI Bill (got his BA in Business). I know the economy is bad but I am becoming resentful. I am also looking for work so far not finding much. We live with my father who is barely able to make the mortgage. We have two girls. He applies and then waits putting most of his eggs into one basket. If I am lucky he will take out the trash occasionally (yes I am serious). I'm scared that my girls are going to have to live with my sis because I will be homeless. I do not want to be apart from them. I feel so angry and sad, we have a good marriage but this lack of job has taken a toll.

well i have read all of the posts and except for our names and maybe where we live it is the same. when did we as the wife have the tables turned on us where we are the "provider" and the husband doesn't have to do anything. we don't have sex like we used to claiming it is broke but while i work 2 jobs he is out drinking during the day probably cheating also. he does keep the house clean and cook grateful for that but if I knew his full-time job was looking for a job i probably wouldn't be venting right now. he left me to live with another woman when he was riding high then he lost the job and the car and the i turned off the cellphone and i still begged him to come back which he did after a year and now i am thinking i probably should have left him over there with her. wives and husbands stay prayed up and talk to GOD and listen for GOD but we have to stop complaining in order to hear him with our spiritual ears and not our physical ears. be blessed and be strong

Wow. Although this post is years old, I'm glad I came across it. I am in the same boat. And despite my resentment, I trudge along each day praying for something to change. My husband has been unemployed for most of our marriage. He was laid off back in 2008 and aside from temp jobs here and there he has not contributed to the household finances unless his parents help us out from time to time. This week my 3 year old began crying each day because he desperately wants to "go to school" like the other kids in our area. But I can't afford to send him. Do you know how hard it is to not be able to give your child something as simple as that? It has torn me to pieces. <br />
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He is in an interview at least once a week. Always down to the final two and he never gets chosen. He never finished his college degree and my take is this is the reason he doesn't get hired. Well, that and the fact that years have gone by since his last job and now it looks poorly on him. Like another poster, his friends do not know. He is embarrassed. What makes me feel bad is that he takes care of our son, cooks, somewhat cleans and looks for a job daily. So why am I so resentful toward him?? I also daydream about finding a husband who has a job, but I could never do that to our son.<br />
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I feel bad for the poster who talks about committing suicide. By my husbands comments, sometimes I am afraid I will come home to just that. I feel bad for him. Yet I also worked hard to get my degrees and a good job so I wouldn't have to struggle, and now I have to account for every bill/debt we have. I've supported him through this whole thing but now who is there to support me? It isn't easy being the sole provider for my family. <br />
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Its sad that there are so many of us going through this.

Your post resonated with me. I felt so terrible for hating my jobless husband and it even shocked me when I realized that I do. This man who is so good, so wonderful, who tries so hard, takes care of the house, helps out in every way, actively job hunting and trying to keep me happy. Yet, I HATE him. I am fed up with him. I am fed up of not seeing any results despite his trying. He claims he is doing his best..well then his best is not sufficient. There is no progress. Things are not getting better for us. I no longer care how good/ kind he is. He is not living up to his end of the bargain. He is not giving me what I need. I am not happy. I am tired of budgeting, being so deprived, and having to be the primary provider when I don't even make a lot. I know he feels terrible and tells me how he feels suicidal. How it eats him up inside that he can't give me things or be a real man and take care of us. I know he feels soo terrible and he is depressed, frustrated and going through his own emotional turmoil. That and the fact that he is a good person makes me feel soo awful for resenting him. I don't want to feel that way towards him. But I can't help it..I just do. I realize that even though, they are good guys and feel bad about not contributing until they actually do and we see real progress we won't be happy.

why even think about a child at this point it is just more out lay for you i have seen it way to many times

My heart goes out to all of us in this situation. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for everyone, including me. <br />
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My boyfriend has been my best friend for 20 years. He asked me out in junior high, I turned him down and later realized that he was the one I always thought about being with. We kept in contact over the years, even though he ended up having to move 1100 miles away. Last year, he gave up his high-paying job (which he didn't like anyway) and moved back so that we could be together. I let him move in with me with the expectation he'd find a job here and eventually make some financial contributions, in exchange for the fact I had just "liberated" him from his expensive rent payment. It's been 11 months and still no job. I'm paying my mortgage, his car insurance and all my other bills. Yeah, I'd have those bills anyway (except his car insurance, which isn't much)... and he's dwindling his retirement fund buying food to help out..but I've reduced his bills way more than he's reduced mine.. I'm so frustrated that I'm ready to sell my house and move somewhere where he can get a job. I'm 36 and I feel that biological clock ticking too but I don't feel I can have a family with someone that either can't or won't help provide much financially. <br />
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We argued yesterday because there was a job listing in the city we want to move to and he refused to apply for it, saying we had "no timeline", "no plan". This was a HUGE red flag to me. Then he said that he was afraid if he moved there first, that I wouldn't follow. I tried to explain to him that if he at least gets a job and temporary apartment there, it would free me up to list the house for a lower price, enabling me to sell it faster. If neither of us has jobs there, I need a bigger savings cushion and therefore can't afford to take a hit on the selling price... in that case I might not be able to move at all. At least here I have a job and can afford the mortgage. I can't leave my job until the house is sold/mortgage paid off. I can't move until I can quit the job here... and I can't produce a timeline because I can't predict when the house will sell! It depends on how much I list it for, which depends on whether or not he gets a job!<br />
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I hate this. He's cleaning and fixing up the house helping me get ready to sell it, but unless he gets a job in the city we're going to move to, I'm stuck. I can't get him to realize this. I feel like he's doing all these other things to avoid dealing with the job issue.... and the job issue isn't going to go away... if he doesn't resolve this somehow, as much as I love him, I think **I'm** going to be the thing that goes away.<br />
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I feel guilty that he gave up that great job to move here to be with me, but seeing him refuse to apply for a job in a city we want to move to just totally rubs me the wrong way. I want to be supportive, I want to be there for him when the chips are down... but I don't want to have my financial resources drained like this. This isn't the partnership I imagined. Plus he wastes his own money on cigarettes and beer and yeah it's his money, but he could have committed himself to bettering his life, quitting those bad and expensive habits and it sure would've been nice if he'd have used the savings from not buying those things to contribute more financially.<br />
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ARGH!!<br />
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My angry wife of 3 months sent me a link to this site. I was laid off with 80 other people for Xmas last year and I have been looking for work. I have a very specialized skill set and education. I knew my company was tanking, but I stayed there, and put my career on hold because she had a more stable and better paying job. And I was cool with that even though it felt weird being a man, but I consider myself is progressive as far as equality in the sexes. <br />
So it has been 6 months. And I look and apply daily for tertiary careers. it sucks but I try and I also have lots of competitors for jobs, most of which got jobs, out of state. During these 6 months, I still pay my own bills, and the same amount of our joint bills as when I had a job. I have also become like a house butler, cooking cleaning etc.<br />
I have jobs I can pursue with confidence out of state, but to me, the "manly" thing to do is, stay with my new wife, stick it out until I can get back on my career horse. It would be easy to just cut out and get a rocking job. <br />
But she is ultra angry and I am being threatened to be kicked out daily. She is angry about having the pressure on her if she were to lose her job. But on the same note, she seems to spending more money for things she wants but does not need, her money, but still. And I still take her out on my dollar.<br />
So should I live apart, and just become a paycheck for her? <br />
Should I stay with her until I get back on my horse?<br />
And also, I read the above comments, and is the anger from the wives to their husbands justifiable enough, for a husband to turn on his wife, if she was a homemaker? What I am asking is, would it be ok for a husband to have the same resentment for his wife, if she was a home maker, and didn't work?

Dear friend
I've been in your place. Stop what you're doing or it will end your marriage from the built up resentment and contempt.
After a 12 year successful caterer in banking I was let go in a merger. Did exactly what you are doing.
You need to start thinking our problems, our bills, our money, our relationship.
We are still expected to be there strong for them is genetic. No point in arguing that.
No point in winning the argument if you loose your relationship is there?
Trust me I've done that.
Good luck !!
Thinking you and I rather than we does nothing to connect you and your wife.
I'm separated now and trying to stop our divorce.
She says she loves me but has too much built up inside to forgive.
I recommend looking at Lee Baucom online for his relationship coaching it changed my mind.
Having problems in your marriage and trying to stay positive to find a good job is difficult.

Resentment is hard to avoid especialy if the situation isn't likely going to change. It's not you, it's him. I feel the same way. 'Maybe I should stick around a little longer and he will change' is often times what we think. We hope for a miracle and yet it never seems to happen and the weight on our shoulders just keeps getting heavier. Ask yourself this. Is it worth it? Try to separate and see if he'll toughen up a bit. But i bet like me, you are too nice and generous for your own good to the people you love. But you gotta do yourself a favor. You have waited patiently and tried to be understanding, i give you a pat in the back, but do yourself a favor and go. Obviously, he's not making ot any easier for you. And believe me, you are not alone. I'm speaking for myself too.

I am going to stick my neck out a bit. I am the unemployed husband in my family. I was laid off almost 2 years ago. I had worked the same company for 14 years before the layoff. Since the second week (I took a week to get over the anger of being kicked to the curb while younger, lowered paid people with terrible work habits and less experience kept their jobs) I have been looking for work. I have had zero success. My wife is a degreed professional while I have technical training. We cannot afford my re-education. The work issue is not bad in my region BUT I am always over or under qualified. I now get the dreaded, "you've been unemployed for how long?" question and that ends the interview almost immediately. We have been married for 19 years. She hates me now. I have always worked hard and now that I am not “pulling my weight”, I am a failure. I feel like a failure thanks. I contemplate suicide daily just so I can stop disappointing my wife. I have a 13-year-old son and he is the only reason I don’t stick my pistol in my mouth. It seems everything I do disappoints my wife. I understand your frustrations with a spouse that hasn’t found or is not looking for work. It seems the understanding only goes so far though. From my side of the fence I feel everyone and everything has given up on me and I can do no right. I used to bust my ‘donkey’ around the house to try and help out but it never made a difference to my wife. No matter what I have done I only seem to be judged by NOT having a job. I want to work. I want a job. WHY would I want to sit around and be judged so harshly by my wife? WHY would I want to avoid my own income so I could support myself when my wife accuses me of being a failure and then kicks me out of the house I have paid for the last 14 of 16 years? I do not know your circumstances. I would only ask that maybe you take a closer look and see that maybe your spouse has given up because no matter what he does or does not do, it never seems to be enough. Maybe I have become apathetic and lazy. Maybe I don’t care anymore. I can tell you one thing, I used to. I love the saying, when life gives you lemons make lemonade. I like to respond, when life kicks you in the nuts every time you try to stand back up, maybe its time to stay down. Too bad life insurance doesn’t pay off on a suicide. Then my wife will have plenty of money but I promise you she will still blame me for everything. Sorry folks, I am looking for help too. Problem is there is none for the unemployed husband. Everyone just looks at him and calls him lazy, or a looser, freeloader or jerk. A massive coronary can’t come soon enough. Sigh.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your wife should be very grateful for all of the years she had a helpmate who paid the bills with her, who gave and didn't just take. I don't even know what that feels like. My husband has been unemployed for our entire marriage. If we had had a few good years together, it would be easier to make it through the lean times. But I don't even know what it's like to have a husband with a job. I'm starting to feel that if I'm paying all the bills ad doing all the housework, one of us isn't necessary.

Oh my goodness, this is so hard to read. I look at these comments and want to say, you need to get out of this. Then I look at my situation...4 years. He's been starting a business for as long as I can remember. He watches three hours of television every night. His ship is always right around the corner.

Ah! I'm so glad I found this feed. Knowing that I'm not alone in this makes my stress level decrease a fraction of an inch. My husband-to-be has only been out of work for about two months but he has had 4 jobs in the past year and another bout of unemployment last year for about 4 months. I don't work a very high-paying job & go to school in the nights part-time so my own life is stressing me out, let alone the fact I'm struggling to not resent the man I love. The main thing is that we are planning for a wedding in October and we are paying for it ourselves and at this point, I've drained $500 from my wimpy savings account to cover his bills. I want to be supportive and understanding but instead, I'm finding myself being passive-aggressive and bitchy almost constantly. Mostly because, aside from being unemployed, he is home ALL DAY every day and when I come home from work, I end up having to do the dishes he has left piled in the sink from the day, make the bed, deal with the cat litter mess we constantly have on the floor, etc. Two days a week, I come home from work and have an hour of free time before I have to leave for class and the last thing I want to do is clean up after him. So, as you can imagine, It's getting kinda hard. And, this is definitely not how I want to feel when I'm six months away from being married.

I hope you reconsider marrying this guy. If you are angry and resentful now it's only going to get worse after the wedding. Don't get stuck paying for your wedding and then paying for the divorce. You might even end up paying alimony to him.

i m also sailing in the same boat.. I m married to my husband since 5mnths n he was unemployed at da tym of our marriage. I m 4mnths pregnant n aniously waiting to deliver my baby n find myself a job as i can compromise bt cant see my child suffering.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one going through this. I've been with my husband for 5 years and he has been unemployed 80% of the time. He has been fired from 3 jobs and quit 4 since we've been together. I had a small nest egg when I met him, but now I've got a ton of debt--I bought a car for him. I've spent thousands of dollars on medical care for him. And I've spent thousands paying for him to go to school and train for a new career. He's ineligible for financial aid because he already has a degree. I don't mind supporting him, but I just hate debt. I NEVER had debt before I met him. I have a college-age daughter from a previous marriage and I want to use my limited resources to help her, but everything I have goes to supporting the 41-year-old man-child. He's annoyed because I never want to have sex anymore, but how can I be attracted to a man who can't even maintain employment?

My husband has not had a job or brought any money into the household in over 6 years. I am beyond resentful!

I know how you feel! I feel so resentful to my husband and it has definately affected our marriage! We have been married for 2 years (together for 7), I have a daughter from a previous relationship who is 8, and my husband has not been working for 8months. I own my own small business and there i work close to 50 hours per week, and have just picked up a second job becuase times are so tough! My husband lays on the couch all day so it seems, and doesn't even contribute to the running of the house. If he's not going to be working the least he could do would be to help out with keeping the house clean and tidy and looking after those things! He does take my daughter to school and pick her up however when she comes home he spends very little quality time with her-just puts her in front of t.v! He left his last job becuase he "didn't like doing it any more"-can u believe?! He has been diagnosed with depression and has bouts of mood swings and anger issues. He doesn't like talking about important issues eg bills-as he says that just stresses him out and he doesn't know what to do! We went and saw a councellor and she told me to just support him through this and he will eventually get back on his feet. What I want to know is HOW LONG IS SOMEONE SUPOSSED TO DO THIS?!I love my husband very much otherwise I wouldn't have worked these crazy hours-and been away from my beautiful daughter so much, however there is only so much someone can take. I am exhausted. I am very run down and getting depressed myself as I feel I don't have a partner to talk to and work through these problems with. I find myself getting snappy at him, but I just can't help it. I want a loving husband who is good to me and my daughter and a positive role model for her as well. We have been trying to have a baby for 2 years and have gone through 3 failed ivf cylces, which has been very hard on the both of us. I feel what I have been through for him/us and all that I have worked he should be trying harder!

I'm glad I found this discussion, and I need advice, too please! I've been married for a year and a half. My husband had to relocate for us to be married because he traveled constantly for his job and didn't really have a home ba<x>se. After we got married he found a job, it wasn't high-paying, but it was a job. Since then he's been through 3 or 4 jobs but none of the companies are doing well financially and so they stop paying him eventually. He is currently unemployed, but has been underemployed or unemployed during our whole year and a half marriage. I've been working my booty off trying to support us. I now have to pay the rent, the bills, the cars, the health insurance, the car insurance, groceries, and so on. I put him on my credit card so he could buy gas and pay his cell phone bill, too. The one thing that frustrates me is that he doesn't admit to friends and family that he is unemployed so half the time, we have two stories going. He pretends like he is still somewhat employed, but that's not true. He is trying to find a job, I'll give him that. Sometimes it's frustrating, though when I'm working and working and he's taking time to be leisurely. And on top of it, I have to do most of the cleaning, too. I'm super frustrated, stressed out and it's also hurt our relationship. I'm not as attracted to him any more. I find myself day dreaming of finding a husband with a job. I have friends who have employed husbands that take good care of their wives and families and I find my frustration level grows and grows whenever I hear stories of their husbands having jobs. Which is silly, I know, but it frustrates the living heck out of me. I am 35 and couldn't possibly work as hard as I do now, have a kid and support one more human, although I do want to have one child before it's too late. All my friends have kids. My kid is my husband, because I have to take care of him. I'm so frustrated and worry that I daydream too much about having a husband with a job. I feel like I should stick it out, but I'm getting older and I wake up in the middle of the night, every night, from anxiety attacks. I can barely sleep any more and have the jitters constantly from stress. Please help, what do I do??

I find myself day dreaming too!- a husband with a job is not too much to ask!

Wow, I can't believe after reading this stories how much we all have in common. Yup, the unemployed husband. And just like a couple of you other women, my biological clock is ticking very loudly to me, I will be 35 by the end of this year. I've been wanting to start a family since like forever but I knew it would be just right timing after we got married. Well been married for a little over 2 months and my husband is now going a little over 3 years of not having a job. Okay, one may ask why did you get married to him in the first place? Because I very much believed in him and really had hope of him finding a job while were engaged. But the wedding kept coming closer and I really wanted to get married to him because I love him. Well the wedding was great thanks to my parents and his father who made it possible. My husband is very intelligent, he has two BS degrees and some Masters work. This unemployment fiasco began September 2008 when i told him that he was better than his previous employment and deserved to do something that would pay more. He was working at a non-profit disadvantage youth organization as an associate director but the place was really stressing him out and the management became really bad. So, both me and my dad were all for him to joining the San Francisco Police academy by 2009 after he got accepted into backgrounds. However, there was a budget cut which caused a hiring freeze. Now, we got engaged in 2009 and with hopes and dreams for him to go ahead and attend law school next. Well, he was put on a waiting list and then unfortunately no room for this fall. My husband benefited form collecting unemployment during the the years 2008-2009. Early 2010 it was exhausted. He's been living off this trust fund who his Dad distributes to him when he feels it's necessary. We live in my husbands condo which is all paid for and fortunately all we have to do is pay the property taxes. However we do have many other bills to pay for that are important, electric bills, cable and internet plus our car insurance. His car is paid for but mine is a lease (expensive one thanks to him picking out a luxury car which i didn't need at the time) All we do is argue about him seeking employment. He doesn't want to start a family until he feels we are ready financially meaning him gaining employment. But I don't want to run into possible IF problems if we continue to wait this long. He is depressed now because he has absolutely nothing to do all day but look for jobs and play with out cat. It's so sad, I'm also just as depressed but very thankful for having a job to keep some sort of sanity for our household. People don't understand because we appear to look fine and live okay but i'm going crazy right about now watching him stay home all day and play video games or mess with his stupid Apple ipod, Apple laptop or stupid Imac...Arrrghhhhh.....I would throw him out but again, i'm living in his home and i pay mortgage on another home i own out of state...i really can't afford rent elsewhere or i'll be living back with my parents on the other side of the coast...makes no sense right now, all i can do is pray that he gets a job soon! I wish all you ladies the best with your situations, you are certainly not alone.

I'm thankful to read that it isn't just me who feels this way... I've wanted to just smack the cr*p out of my husband since he lost his job last year. I didn't blame him for the job loss--they downsized and cut off his night shift. *But*, instead of getting right back out there, he laid around on unemployment for probably 6 months before even *beginning* to look for work. Meanwhile I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown trying to pay bills with not nearly enough money, and look after my aging parents and work my butt off on a job I hate 'but pays the bills'. I began to get really really resentful. Someone really nailed it when they talked about how we go to work in the morning and he's there, and when we come home at night he's *still* there, pretty much in the same spot we left them in....Grrrr!!!! Made me so angry and resentful. I work my butt off and he's accomplished nothing during the day. I had to have WWIII in order for mine to even unload the dishwasher!!!<br />
I've come to the point now that I feel nothing for my H...he's killed it all. I've had to borrow money from my family countless times, and ask for extensions from the bank, and do all the groveling that should be *his* to do...I didn't lose my job, he did--why do I have to be the one 'begging' for money or loans or credit extensions??? <br />
So it's been since April 2010 that H has been unemployed or underemployed. He got a job this summer and ***walked off of it*** because the hours didn't suit him--and he was getting paid good money! He didn't talk about it, no discussion--just walked off and I found out later. I felt betrayed and lied to and most of all *used*!<br />
At this point, I see our marriage ending. He's picked up a crappy job that doesn't pay much and he has to drive a huge distance for it--which costs us alot in gas for his truck. Basically the job isn't going to pay for much of anything. But now they've cut his hours. So he's trying to pick up a side job under the table. All told, we are not getting financially better despite my hard work because he isn't picking up the slack or even doing his part.<br />
I'm getting ready to leave him because I've had enough and can see the handwriting on the wall. I want to have a baby--my clock's ticking and time's running out. He isn't going to be able to provide for a child, let alone the kids he has now(my stepkids) or support me in any way. He's basically a big albatross around my neck and he's bringing me down. I've tried it all to make this marriage work, but I've got to get out before I'm living in a cardboard box under a bridge.<br />
My compassion and sympathy for him are now gone...It's time to start looking after myself!

I'm 28 and have been with my husband for 5 years. He has now been unemployed for 2 years. He was "working" on his book but no one will represent him so I told him he needs to find a regular job and write in his extra time. We have no money, I am forced to work 30 hours overtime to make ends meet, I'm lucky I even have that option. We can only spend $35 a week on groceries and $15 a week on gas, my credit cards are maxed out and I have student loans, car, ins, mortgage and health issues. As I write this he is in NYC for a friends wedding. It cost us $400 to get him there and rent a tux (he is the Best Man). We couldn't afford to both go. His parents gave him some spending money when he got there but he is out having fun with his friends while I am working overtime this weekend in FL. I didn't want him to go but he went anyway. I just wanna cry that I only have $5 for the next week and he didn't even consider depositing the money from his parents in our bank account. I'm at a breaking point and I really love him but I just can't do this anymore. I also can't imagine not being with him. I'm stuck in a difficult place. He's depressed about his lack of employment but I'm starting to not care about his feelings anymore. I'm burned out and I feel just terrible about how we ended up. I really do think I understand how you feel and maybe at least knowing that you aren't the only one can bring some kind of comfort, not that it fixes anything but there is a whole group that has or is going through this.

Please tell your husbands about your feelings. I know, I know you probably have said it a thousand times. But please think if the timing and the way that you said it.
Marriage is about commitment I admire thd commitment that all
Of you seem to have to your relationship.
I have been unemployed for a year and a half after loosing a job of 12 years. At first my wife encourage me to take it in a positive way and I never stop paying bills, since I always made sure to have reserves. I went thru my savings and never got a penny from her.
We never stop taking trips or going to dinners. I was always the primary wage earner but she is a professional and I encourage her to pursue her dreams.
I'm am now doing small jobs ( not professional by my experience)
When I first lost my job
I started doing everything in house, even cooking.
She started to withdraw from us and I had no idea why.
I found out later about her resentment towards me for being a "house husband" although it was not my choice.
She had always complained that I didn't do enough around the house, I was working. Even though I always came home before 6 and made time for us. I had my hobbies but nothing like hanging out at the bar or such.
Six months ago she left me, I found out she had an affair at work.
I had put all my savings into our house and life together. She now makes twice the salary she ever did. The tables have turned and she couldn't handle it.
She said that felt smothered and undermined by all I was doing at home.
I only expected some support from her, eventually I will get back on my feet. I'm not playing video games or watching tv I'm looking for work and in the mean time make some cash doing small jobs and I have savings. ( she also has savings) we are not starving.
Women say they want equality, the word team is used.
However still expect us to be a knight in shining armour for ever.
It's very frustrating to try to be all, hard working, strong, sensitive, funny, successful, help around the house, spontaneous, listen and share feelings. Is it becoming impossible to meet today's women's expectations?
All my dad had to do was work and be home by dinner and listen to my mother nag. But they love each other and are still together.

Wow you all sound like me!! I'm so glad to know I'm not alone. My common law spouse had been unemployed for 8 months now and I totally resent him. I work long hard hours to support him and I am welcomed home to a man who spends all his time playing videogames online. He lost his job at Christmas, he changed companies and it didn't work out basically and I had to dip into my savings to pay for our Christmas. I've got a decent steady job and his unemployment insurance allows us to survive but we cannot have a future. During the last few month his mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Instead of looking for a job hanging out with her was his full time activity. Now that she's stable (she's not going to die immediately) its time to look for a job. Instead he sits at home playing video games and smoking pot. I walk in the door after 10 or 12 hours at work and he's there at the computer chatting to his gaming buddies. This was the year that we were going to start a family and now I think omits the year I leave him. My friends are all shocked that he's not shown the initiative to find work my mom is horrified. His mother had the nerve to say to me the other day "oh it's too hot good thing we get to spend all day watching tv!" I was mortified. I send him links to job postings and he's never seen the postings before. Isent he supposed to be looking for a job online because my Internet bill is high or what is he up to. Whenever I broach the subject we fight, he's not interested in sex anymore and quite frankly I don't want to touch him. The man I adored had left and all I have is this new man who does nothing. Ive done everything to be supportive but I don't understand how my feelings and needs all get to be ignored. In 2 months his money runs out. If he's not figured something out by then, he'll be living with his mom, I cannot imagine how some of you can put up with this for years. We've been together for many years, I signed on for a partnership not to be someone's meal ticket. How do I get through to him, he either doesn't care or isent listening.

My husband has been out of work for almost two years. He lost his job because he wouldn't push himself to work harder and meet the expectations of his boss. He is receiving unemployment, but that will run out in September. I tried early on to help him with a resume, sent him links to jobs, got the paper every Sunday morning, mentioned places which were hiring, etc... It was clear that he didn't want me involved in the process. We were in counseling and the therapist noted that my husband might take several months (to bottom out and then get a recharge). He was hanging out at the pool, drinking beer and basically acting as though he was on a nice vacation. I knew he was upset and figured that in time, he would recenter. The therapist said that eventually his buddies would exude a bit of peer pressure. Well....we are almost a year and a half past that. My husband still does not have a job, refuses to take anything under his old pay grade, has no interest in taking classes and has a full leisure schedule (sleeps late, pool, golf, trivia night, softball). He says that he might find some business contacts, but I am no longer buying that. I know that he is in a lot of pain and his ego is at rock bottom, but I am just tired of him burying his head in the sand. He has enough with unemployment to pay his portion of the bills, but somehow always comes up short. I made him a budget (upon his request), but he doesn't follow it. He keeps giving me excuses and just tries to fix the short term bill problems. My trust has slowly withered away. We rarely have sex now. I've worked myself into the ground (health issues) and have suffered from a bit of undiagnosed depression myself. I have gained weight which makes me feel unattractive. I always have the tendency to blame myself for not being supportive enough, but somehow I am bitter underneath, because I know that I have given as much as a wife possibly can. Am I enabling him? Short of telling him to move out, I don't know what else to do. He resents me problem solving, discussing, or questioning anything. I feel like I worry more about his unemployment and our state of being than he cares to. Overall, I see that he seems to be approaching our relationship like he did his old job.

I feel resentment too, because my husband is ALWAYS home. I don't mind paying the majority of the bills, I just want a partner who takes initiative to get out of the house once in a while! I like my alone time :) I feel lucky though, because I know he's putting a lot of effort into getting a job and it's been 9 months and he's had a lot of interviews, just nothin's come up yet. I know he wants a job more than anything, but this situation has really weighed on me over these 9 months and I feel like I have a child I have to run home to because he's home alone all day. I think I just need to stop doing that...

My husband also takes more time to play games on the computer than anything else lately and he has been unemployed for ten weeks and we have only been married for eight weeks. What a way to start off our new marriage. I am 36 and I am very wrorried about being too old to have children. What a disappointment when you expect your man to be different and have more motivation to seeking work when you have family plans or children already. At least I know he is a very honest and wholesome man, one that is not out at the bar or interested in other women. He only plays softball a couple times a week to keep him sane,so I count my blessings since there are many men out there that are much worse. When they know you are working I think it takes the fire away from the urgency of a job as well. I know he is not happy though because he punched a hole in wall yesterday when I was at work in frustration after stubbing his toe on something (I never saw this in him before), so I think playing computer games is a way for them to de-stress like girls like taking a bath or going for a walk. We all deal with things different. If they had a choice, they would rather be working. I think that being women who carry the babies we are just inclined to have a different kind of motivation and things have changed now that we work more than ever so the roles are changing too which makes it confusing ba<x>sed on our instincts!

same goes for my H. he's got a whole lot of experience working and after he resigned to pursue another degree he wouldn't want to find a job and al lthat he ever want to do is to play computer games all the time while i'm here burrying my head thinking on how to make ends meet to support our family because we have 2 kids.<br />
i could surely understand if it's isn't his time yet to find another job if he's pushing himself to lok for one but it's not!! the first thing that he do when wakes is to turn on the computer and play the whole day! damn! i want to kick him out of he house!

As a man, I just want to mention that very often it's a horrible situation to be unemployed while knowing that you are disappointing - and possibly about to lose - your partner. Sometimes you can respond to every job ad, leverage every person in your network, and still come up empty. It's totally soul-destroying for a man to be without adequate income because we're hardwired to know that if we fail to provide, we will almost certainly lose our partner sooner or later. Women, after all, are hardwired by selection pressure to abandon non-performing mates. So in these difficult economic times we all need to cut each other a little extra slack because no matter how determined you are to find employment, the fact is that somewhere between 20 and 30 million Americans are unemployed with little or no hope of finding anything soon.

I liked what you wrote. But how long can you put up with it? Do you just wait and watch? Is there a justifiation to being jobless with degrees from ivy league schools??

HI guys, i am in similar situation. My H. and I are together almost 10 years. i am 32 and was thinking of having a baby by the end of this year. My H was in a temp job and the job has finished. He is desperately looking and trying to find another job but no success for almost a month now. He has two degrees. I am very bitter towards him as my plans to save more by the time i be pregnant and possibly move to a larget apartment are now over. God knows how long it will be before he finds a job. I wish I could be positive but i don't have the strenght and i don't know how to cope with this situation. Luckily I have a permanent job so at least we can maintain paying the bills.

i am in the same situation. <br />
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my husband is highly educated but no real job. some part time contract stuff. but really he just wants something to fall in his lap and ends up having to work harder because he is lazy.<br />
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we also need ivf. it is my husband who is infertile.<br />
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everything is adding up and i'm really resenting him. i'm 35 years old and feel that if i divorced him i would never meet a man early enough to have children. if i ever do meet a man who would want to marry me.<br />
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it's a tough situation. i empathize with you.

You need to sit down with your husband and tell him these things or print your comments and let him read it.The longer you support him the more he is going to let you. He has his cake and is eating it too. Good luck. I left a live in boyfriend because he wouldn't keep a job. He was the love of my life.