An Unloving Mother
I often google such terms as "world's best mother" and "loving mom." It has almost become a habit of mine: turn on the laptop, open Internet Explorer, type in the usual queries . . . and have a box of tissues handy.
I think that I do this in vain hope that by reading of a normal or even extraordinary mother, I might displace the reality of my own. Why else would I cry whenever I see a sitcom matron showing the slightest, silliest facsimile of love?
Forgive my babble. I shall start at the beginning.
From what I understand, my mother was raised in a fairly crazy household. Her sister (my aunt) attempted suicide, my grandmother was emotionally distant, and her parents divorced when she was in her early teens.
She then proceeded to marry (and divorce) two men, one in college and one in her mid-thirties, the latter of whom was my father. She physically and emotionally abused the both of us, the whole while maintaining a blatantly favoritistic relationship with my little sister. Most notably, she once called the police on my father for supposedly pushing her (I saw-he did no such thing). I was about six.
My parents divorced when I was in the second grade. The abuse did not stop. She covered my mouth and nose to keep me quiet, sat on me to restrain me, took my possessions away from me for no reason (or due to my sister's machinations - she learned how to milk my mother's favors towards her at an early age), hit me, slapped me, kicked at me, and even choked me a few times. Once, she left me at a restaurant. Social Services investigated at least three times, but my mother, a lawyer, slipped out of trouble on each occasion. This continued into the seventh grade (last year).
At that point, my father finally realized the extent of my mother's abuse. He threatened court action, and she finally relented. I now spend every other weekend with her.
At first, it worked - now that my mother and I were out of each-others' faces, we got along reasonably well, considering what I believe to be her mental illness. Recently, though, she has reverted to her prior behaviors, albeit less physical - she cannot push me (a 14 year old boy) around any longer.
To summarize, though, I resent my mother:
- I grew up without a positive female role model in my life until I got to know my stepmother, a wonderful (and NORMAL) woman. This, from what I have read, could affect my ability to form normal relationship[s with women in my life. I worry I could be an abusive husband and father.
- My sister and I fight almost constantly when together. I attribute this to jealousy on my part (after all, she was my mother's favored child!) and manipulative behavior on her part. She has learned some fairly wrong things about how to relate to others, and how to get things she wants. I already see my sister emulating my mother, and worry for her.
- She is bankrupting my father. I will attend the preparatory boarding Hotchkiss School next year, and my mother refuses to help foot the bill.
- When has she ever truly encouraged me? Does she, as she suspiciously claims, love me? Actions, not words, say otherwise.
- She believes that turning on the television or giving me my laptop back solves what often seems like our mutual animosity, but she is wrong.
- How can I relate to those who HAVE had a real mother in their lives?
- I become upset at the slightest things, as I mentioned above. The emotional wounds she has inflicted unto me are still raw and bleeding.
- I worry I will not miss her when she is gone.
- She has ruined my life - see above.
I resent my mother.