Everyone Is More Important Than I Am

I always wanted to believe the best of people. I always wanted to give outcasts and oddballs the same respect and consideration that everyone else got. This seemed to make me the object of a young man's attention that was bipolar and didn't know it. He was obsessive-compulsive, paranoid and depressed when he wasn't the life of the party. He didn't care what people thought which was attractive. He was "honest" to a fault, which I admired, although it was embarrassing at times. Later I found out that he was adamant about what he believed was truth more than truth itself.

It turned out he was narcissistic also. It was all about him being respected. If you really respected him, you agreed with whatever he said and didn't challenge him. At the same time, my opinions were faulty or flat out stupid. My choices, if different than what he suggested, were outright rebellion and stubbornness. After twenty years of marriage during which I constantly left myself vulnerable to prove my love and trust, he still complained that I never trusted him, which meant I didn't love him, just because I dared to disagree with him from time to time. He was sure I was planning on divorcing him, although he was the one that threatened divorce every time I disagreed with him on anything important.

I noticed through the years that he had a double standard. He would complain about me doing things with a bad attitude or just doing mean things. I had an incredibly good attitude in reality. He just misinterpreted my intentions. I still felt I was somehow misleading him. It took years to realize I wasn't doing any of the things he was accusing me of, but HE WAS. What a revelation that was. I was finally able to know what he was thinking by what he was accusing me of saying and doing. He told on himself without realizing it.

I thought I would struggle with trusting people in the real world, the world outside our home. My life had become very isolated over the years. Actually it has not been so bad. I don't leave myself quite as vulnerable, at least not at this point. I've been divorced now 3 1/2 years. I react much more quickly to emotional and verbal barbs. I can't handle them at all. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and overreact to the strangest things sometimes. Nothing used to bother me. That is not the case anymore. Some things I have just had enough of. I will walk away from someone being rude. I will hang up on someone that will not let me talk. Things have changed. I've changed.

cakpurposeful cakpurposeful
46-50, F
1 Response May 16, 2012

As one of her five children, I was an eye-witness to the events and situations that my mother describes in this article and I don’t stand behind her story. My mother has used rumors and these anonymous forums for years to attack my father. The only eye-witnesses to these events were my mother, my father and we five children and as an eye-witness, I believe my mother sincerely believes she is telling the truth but I am here to state that these stories of abuse by her husband is in her mind and never occurred in real life.

Four of the five children are still teen-agers, three of us (two daughters and one son, 18, 16 and 14 respectively, one in college and two in high school) living with our father and one four-teen-year-old-son living with our mother. Three children individually and voluntarily chose to leave our mother’s house to live with our father full time. We who live with our father still live in the same small house we grew up in and saw our parent’s lives every day and essentially all day since we were home schooled until the divorce. And since the divorce, we’ve seen the events from one house or the other so we do know what we are talking about.

It must be said here that any child that has disagreed with our mother has experienced the same “discredit and defame” campaign similar to what she is using on my father.

Opinions will vary, but facts stand out. No record of abuse or neglect of my family exists, especially any associated with my father abusing my mother (although investigations have been made at my mother’s accusations). It doesn’t exist because it didn’t happen.

My mother seemed to cope with her own life unhappiness with blaming my father for all her woes. And when she began menopause, the accusations against my father grew worse and more vicious and more deliberate. We children did not witness any of the abuse she spoke about and we were there 24/7 with few very thin doors to hide behind. We didn’t witness anything because it did not happen that way.

My mother divorced my father when we children were 16, 14, 12, 10 and 10. We were young but we weren’t blind and we weren’t stupid. My mother’s divorce contention was that the she and the children were abused badly but at the hearing no witnesses and no records and none of her children backed her. Joint custody was granted to both parents and since, the oldest child is working, three children live with their father full time and the final child lives with his mother full time.

Since before the divorce until the present, my mother has harassed and attacked my father with anonymous accusations (with the local child services), rumor-mongering and electronic (email and posts) smear campaigns. Our family is ruined and much of our family’s money has gone to legal fees and supporting two homes instead of one. Yet she does not stop: she seems to be a woman on a mission to destroy a man at any cost.

If you want to believe she experienced this abuse, then she fooled you too.
If you want to understand that a woman filled with rage is trying to destroy a good man and is doing so at the cost of her children and their family, then I am thankful that you listened to me.

Melissa, 18 Miranda, 16 Kurt, 14