Where To Start??

I've been on a trail of self destruct since I was 17. Rebelled without a cause and have spiralled into a trail of destructive behaviour patterns.On one hand, I'm privately educated, have good jobs, pay the rent and consider myself to be reasonably educated enough to hold a decent conversation. On the other hand I mix with crazy people who are criminals, lie, steal, take copious amounts of narcotics. Look for drama, push limits. I have no respect for myself with men. I destroy all relationships. The first; I wound him up and played games so much he exploded. The second calmed me down massively... we had a nice couple of years. But nice wasn't enough. It became boring, I didn't want to be sitting watching Britain's got talent, I wanted to be hanging out with people I considered to be interesting and good fun. But I always think its OK. I always get a job and land on my feet. I think my problem is that I never feel regret about these things. I want to stop, I want to be a good person and have a stable lifestyle, but I never regret it. I always think I can just move forward. and I do. This attitude always leaves me back at the same place, because I have confidence about it, but one day, it will all come crumbling down. I need to quit whilst I'm ahead. This also leads me to believe that I have a social disorder, as I don't get depressed about it when I think I should. After taking too many drugs I get down, but that always promptly fades. I know I'm ruining things when I commit these acts, but I don't care, I'm almost reckless to a catastrophic level. Especially with my health. 3 Abortions for example. It doesn't feel real until you write it.
nvrcalm nvrcalm
22-25, F
1 Response May 16, 2012

Wow..i too seem very normal and kind, gentle and caring. but in three days of massive chalie sheen style party..i lost a great job...and disapointed so many people....i do great and i forget all the desteuction and chaos...then i ruin years