Anger And Pain

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. I have a stepson I love like he is my own, and a 10 month old son who is one of the greatest joys of my life. That being said, I have been an angry, negative, difficult, and unfriendly person for years. It has been getting worse, and I kept promising my wife that I would change. A couple of days ago she finally got enough courage to tell me that she couldnt take the pain anymore.
We fight and argue constantly, and I always find a way to make her feel so small and hurt. When I was deployed and we were fighting with almost every call, I started to talk to other people online.I thought it made me feel better. Last month my wife did the same thing with another man. Nothing physical, but he made her feel better about herself. I in my ususal pattern say first and think later. In doing so, I threatened her with a pistol. I would never do it, but the fact that I said the words were enough. I also at one point while she was pregnant got angry because she wanted me to make her an egg. I finally did angrily and reluctantly and she wouldnt take it. In my anger I yelled threw my shoes and said I'd cram it down her throat. Again speaking before thinking, and never meaning what I say. She is so very scared of me, and I cannot blame her one little bit. I know she has every right to go, and she should if she truly wants to. You can take so much for granted in life, but until you have that epiphany where it all becomes clear, nothing changes.
My eyes have finally been opened to everything. I cannot take the pain away no matter how much I want to. I am working to better myself, and I hope she can see that I truly mean to change my life around. The thought of divorce, is unbearable and the fact that that is where we...I am in the most pain i've ever felt in my life. I think there is still hope. Where she has lost the strength to carry on and keep the family going, I have finally found it. I want to be the source of strength for all of us. I have begun to find my faith when I gave up so long ago. The past couple of days I think I have found the path toward the better life that all of us deserve. Alot has gone right or appears to, even though all seems so lost. The thought of staying married is almost too much for her. I cannot blame her. I cant say it enough. I screwed up horribly. I signed up for marriage counselling, and she had agreed to go. Last night she told me she only said she would because she felt she owed it to me.
I told her I only want her to come if she feels there is some shred of hope that it may help us. but there's more. I know she needs it just as much as I, personally. I hope she will come. It would mean the world to me. I have been praying the last couple of days. For strength for her. I think she is finding it. I love her with all of my heart and soul, wth everything that I have to give. I want there to be hope for my marriage, but I know that it is more or less too late. I don't know what more to do than what I have set into motion. I guess God has a plan for us, and I'll have to trust in that. I hope my wife can forgive me one day. Don't be the fool that I have been for so long. The best things in life are always taken for granted until they are gone. I've lost everything, and it took all that to wake me up.
themeidontwanttobe themeidontwanttobe
13 Responses Feb 7, 2011

Different circumstances ... same outcome. You said everything that I'm feeling right now at this very moment. It is only hours old to me and man it hurts! I hope and pray the best for you ..... I thought I had more to say and lost it. I empathize with you brother.

you sound like you need therapy to deal w/ your anger issues. Maybe an anger management class or group. It sounds like you have lucid moments when you realize you are way out of line. No relationship will work unless the anger thing is brought under control.

I think you will be just fine as you can at least recognize your errors. Marriages fail when a partner cannot even see their flaws an honestly work to change. Im saying a prayer it all works for you an your family. -hugs

You have to give her space, don't pressure her. You are going about this the right way but don't pin your hopes on reconcilliation, work on fixing yourself above all, and you have to see things from her point of view. You will have a relationship with her for a very long time because of your son. Being the best father to him will at least earn your wife's respect even if she is an ex wife. you can still love her and have a good relationship if the marraige ends. Making her proud being a good father and person is the one thing you can gve your son. Even if your not married your ex will love you for that. I do hope things work out, but you have to give her space and time. Good Luck

i hope I can dispel a few notions that some may have about me. I love my wife with all of my heart and soul. truly want to make things better between the two of us. I wasnt trying to minimize, I was trying to be optimistic. Seems like they may be one in the same. I do understand how much damage I have caused, and she may truly decide to leave. If it will make her happy, I will to let her go. I got the marriage counselling because we both have things we need help to correct in our lives. I am still going, and I am seeing that counsellor indiviually for the time being. All I want is to turn everything around, to prove that I can be the man she has always needed me to be. i think i will be, given time. I just want that chance to prove it to her and everyone else I've hurt that I can be the best person that I can. I am told I need to do this only for me. That's true, but i'm also doing it for everyone I've hurt. To say its just for me would be innaccurate. I am doing this for all of us. Wrong as I may be for that, its a motivator for me. I talked to both of her parents today. I apologized for how i've been and how i betrayed their trust when they let me marry my wife. I am taking the steps necessary to start healing on all the pains I've caused, all the hurt. I just want to prove how much I want all this, not just words. I am finding strength in faith, and i keep praying for strength for my wife and boys every day. I'm not just saying all of this, I am doing it. I just wish I could have seen it all before it was too late to save one of the best things about my life. i am completely sincere in this, and I hope I can be forgiven some day. Until then, I just have to stay on the path to change. A few people have already seen some slight differences in me. I hope that its all for the better.

You'd better count your lucky stars then. There are men who have gone to prison for LONG periods of time because of mistakes they have made. Lucky you are not there now.<br />
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By saying that there are others worse than you, that is called "minimizing" (oh, my problem's not so bad). It is a way your mind tricks itself into thinking that you don't have to change. We're ALL guilty of it, so don't be offended. <br />
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What you need to do is make a thorough inventory of all the things that are wrong in your life, and all the ways that you have hurt your wife and son, and others, and seek to start on a new path, to change all of your thoughts and feelings and behaviors. Be prepared to dig VERY deep, because it sounds like you have some terrible Core Beliefs that are just plain whack. To do this, you NEED to be in counseling, or in some sort of support group environment, for several times a week for at least a year. I would recommend AA and/or NA if any form of drug or alcohol abuse is involved.<br />
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And stop believing that marriage counseling is going to solve all your problems - your wife's biggest problem is that she is married to you, and she didn't create your problems at all, you did. You take responsibility for who and what you are and stop trying to make her look guilty too. She is a victim of your bad behaviors. Change yourself, and the dynamics of your life and of your relationship will improve for the better. <br />
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The good news - you can bring about DRAMATIC changes for the good when you work at it. Keep working ceaselessly, relentlessly, optimistically, to let the old you pass away, and give a new better you a chance to emerge. <br />
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Good luck to you, I wish you all the best.

i wonder why u was terrible to her before?<br />
why???????<br />
if u had difficult past and u are dealing with it in counceling good on you...if u cant save your marriage despite of will hopefully help u in new relationship..........<br />
u are young and we all make mistakes.......<br />
i hope that u want ur wife back not because of your fears but because u really want to make up for the bad times and make the future happy for all your family...<br />
it will need a lot of work on your part........continuous effort.........and true commitment from your heart and soul

this made me cry. you've gotten some very warm and heartfelt responses both here and in q&a. i can't see anything i can add except i hope she has as much support as you've gotten. she deserves it. please keep us posted on how things go for you. it is awesome to know that there are men who will admit to their failings and try to repair the damage they've done. this, to me, makes a real man. wishing you good luck, sunni

First I want to say that I think your honesty is honorable, however given the facts that you have shared about your relationship I think that if you truly love her, and I mean TRULY LOVE HER, you will let her go and allow her to find happiness since she only has one life to live and you have put her through enough abuse. Allow her move on, stay in contact with the kids, be civil and DO NOT RESORT TO YOUR ABUSIVE WAYS when times get tough for you. DO NOT threaten her when she tries to find someone else and begins new relationships. DO NOT threaten the new guy.<br />
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SHOW HER that her happiness is your focus. BE VERY supportive and civil. BE A GOOD FATHER and focus on fixing you. MAYBE, through time she will see how well your ACTIONS during your separation are proof that you have changed and she will choose to come back and work on things with you. Your marriage CAN NOT be fixed overnight and you would be delusional to try and have it sorted out in anytime less than a year.<br />
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I am going to be brutally honest, I can not believe that she stuck around for 3 years! After the egg fiasco and the pistol thing I would have probably smothered you with a pillow in your sleep or pistol whipped you!!! Sorry to be so brutally honest in a time where you are in so much pain, but honestly you have put this poor woman through more than anyone should have to deal with in a relationship. You are aggressive, controlling and scary. You don't need to work on your relationship, you need to work on yourself!!<br />
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Don't do anything stupid or hurtful to make yourself feel better, think of her for once!!

We went to the counselling session. I have alot to work on, and I will continue to go. Thanks for your comments. Insight from others is a learning experience. I know I don't deserve her and she has every right to go, but I think there is still hope for us. I know I sound selfish, but there have been others in a worse way than we are, who have worked through more. I think I am worth the effort to stay, and I want to spend every day proving that to her.

wow...that was a very honest account on your part....kudos to you for that.<br />
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You will lose your wife, you had time with her and you hurt her, she will leave.THAT is your biggest lesson, ppl leave when you dont treat them well.<br />
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Good luck with becoming a better person and learning to control your anger and be less threatening and violent.

I commend you for finding the courage and integrity to accept responsibility for your actions. While it ain't over till it's over, a harsh point of reality is that when we allow ourselves to "act out" deep rooted anger, fear, jealousy, etc., we often find that we have done irreparable damage to the relationship in question by the time we become aware. I must admit that I lost a love relationship myself, through similar behavior, when I was in my early twenties like you. For the sake of your young son, I hope and pray that your wife still has enough connection left to you to build on. She may not, and if that is the case, your duty to yourself will be to never, ever allow yourself to break your own heart and the hearts of others who are dear to you again. What you have experienced does not make you a bad guy; indeed, the remorse you feel and the commitment you have now made to correct your problems is evident.<br />
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You have apparently spent some time in the military, which is hardly an atmosphere that builds passivity among people, particularly young men. But now is the time for you to cultivate passivity within yourself; not to become inactive or uncaring, but passive and humble with regard to whatever the outcome of your current situation might be. Regardless of what happens with your wife, it is critical for your own future happiness and mental health (as well as his) that you maintain contact and build a healthy relationship with your young son, and your stepson also if that is possible. For exampole, if the end result is that, due to your past behavior, the court orders your visitation to be supervised, so be it. Accept the cost of your past transgressions, and show growth. Exercise the same discipline emotionally and psychologically that you were taught to exercise physically and aggessively in the military. Eventually you will be in a position to request unsupervised visitation, and you will have a record of compliance to stand on.<br />
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Grant your wife the freedom to do what she needs to do, and respect her decision. Respect yourself as well, and don't fall into a cycle of self loathing or self abuse to exact some price from yourself for all this. Everyone is flawed, and no one can control everything. Commit yourself to finding resolution of your situation with a minimum of impact on everyone involved, and that includes yourself. And finally, I strongly, strongly urge you to seek counseling, and to do so for an extended period of time, at least one year, because that is the only way it will truly work. Behavior such as you've described does not come out of thin air; it has root causes in your past, and these need to be identified, verbalized, and addressed. That process, sustained over an extended period of time, will defuse these time bombs you have buried in your subconscious, and will ultimately put you in full control of your actions, even when you are tired, frustrated, or angry.<br />
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I wish you all the best, and I hope for a good outcome for you and your family.

I expect to get alot of hate. That's fine, but I only need intelligent responses to the story I've shared with you.