Anger And PainMy wife and I have been married for 3 years. I have a stepson I love like he is my own, and a 10 month old son who is one of the greatest joys of my life. That being said, I have been an angry, negative, difficult, and unfriendly person for years. It has been getting worse, and I kept promising my wife that I would change. A couple of days ago she finally got enough courage to tell me that she couldnt take the pain anymore.
We fight and argue constantly, and I always find a way to make her feel so small and hurt. When I was deployed and we were fighting with almost every call, I started to talk to other people online.I thought it made me feel better. Last month my wife did the same thing with another man. Nothing physical, but he made her feel better about herself. I in my ususal pattern say first and think later. In doing so, I threatened her with a pistol. I would never do it, but the fact that I said the words were enough. I also at one point while she was pregnant got angry because she wanted me to make her an egg. I finally did angrily and reluctantly and she wouldnt take it. In my anger I yelled threw my shoes and said I'd cram it down her throat. Again speaking before thinking, and never meaning what I say. She is so very scared of me, and I cannot blame her one little bit. I know she has every right to go, and she should if she truly wants to. You can take so much for granted in life, but until you have that epiphany where it all becomes clear, nothing changes.
My eyes have finally been opened to everything. I cannot take the pain away no matter how much I want to. I am working to better myself, and I hope she can see that I truly mean to change my life around. The thought of divorce, is unbearable and the fact that that is where we...I am in the most pain i've ever felt in my life. I think there is still hope. Where she has lost the strength to carry on and keep the family going, I have finally found it. I want to be the source of strength for all of us. I have begun to find my faith when I gave up so long ago. The past couple of days I think I have found the path toward the better life that all of us deserve. Alot has gone right or appears to, even though all seems so lost. The thought of staying married is almost too much for her. I cannot blame her. I cant say it enough. I screwed up horribly. I signed up for marriage counselling, and she had agreed to go. Last night she told me she only said she would because she felt she owed it to me.
I told her I only want her to come if she feels there is some shred of hope that it may help us. but there's more. I know she needs it just as much as I, personally. I hope she will come. It would mean the world to me. I have been praying the last couple of days. For strength for her. I think she is finding it. I love her with all of my heart and soul, wth everything that I have to give. I want there to be hope for my marriage, but I know that it is more or less too late. I don't know what more to do than what I have set into motion. I guess God has a plan for us, and I'll have to trust in that. I hope my wife can forgive me one day. Don't be the fool that I have been for so long. The best things in life are always taken for granted until they are gone. I've lost everything, and it took all that to wake me up.
themeidontwanttobe 22-25 13 Responses 2 Feb 7, 2011