Oh I Do, Everyday

 I am leaving for Philadelphia in two days.  I am starting a new chapter in my life.  Am I excited?  Sort of... I find it very hard to allow myself to be happy sometimes- most of the time.  


I'm tired of taking antidepressants, tired of all my moodiness- mostly all lows.  My brain and body feel like molasses.  I can't get myself to put clothes in my suitcase or clean out my car.

I put up SO many mental blocks.  My cousin thinks it's because I don't want to go, but I really really do.  I am finding change very hard to cope with this time around, even though I KNOW it's the best thing for me.


Depression is safe.  It's quiet here.  No one bothers me. I keep giving myself pep talks in my head.  I'll start to put away books, fold clothes and then I just collapse and everything becomes sh*t in my brain again.  


It's no one's fault but my own.  This is a hard time of year for me, but that's no excuse.  I have been saying this ALL year.  I am capable of a lot- I have succeeded in life before and I know that I can do it again.  Ahhh!  Why can't I just doooooo ittt!!  

apencilfornow apencilfornow
26-30, F
4 Responses Oct 27, 2008

Thanks for the encouragement everyone!! I'm getting closer...

Thanks for the encouragement everyone!! I'm getting closer...

I know what you mean. I never allow myself to be happy (or very seldom anyway) and I have a really hard time to do ANYTHING at all. <br />
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I hope things get better for you.

I know you're excited even though the little talkative spiders in your head are making you show otherwise. Well that's what I call them in my head...Lately I've been hiding away too and for no reason. I don't get depression...some days I want to kick depression's ***. Then it runs away for a while...it's such a punk! Kick depression's booty APFN! Philly awaits!