Oh I Do, Everyday
I am leaving for Philadelphia in two days. I am starting a new chapter in my life. Am I excited? Sort of... I find it very hard to allow myself to be happy sometimes- most of the time.
I'm tired of taking antidepressants, tired of all my moodiness- mostly all lows. My brain and body feel like molasses. I can't get myself to put clothes in my suitcase or clean out my car.
I put up SO many mental blocks. My cousin thinks it's because I don't want to go, but I really really do. I am finding change very hard to cope with this time around, even though I KNOW it's the best thing for me.
Depression is safe. It's quiet here. No one bothers me. I keep giving myself pep talks in my head. I'll start to put away books, fold clothes and then I just collapse and everything becomes sh*t in my brain again.
It's no one's fault but my own. This is a hard time of year for me, but that's no excuse. I have been saying this ALL year. I am capable of a lot- I have succeeded in life before and I know that I can do it again. Ahhh! Why can't I just doooooo ittt!!