Treading The Waters Of Sahm Life And Feel As If Im About To Drown

Ok heres my rant...are things truly not how they seem on the outside ?or am i just a really sucky mother/wife/sister/daughter etc etc....I see family and friends having babies and staying at home and seem to have it all together? even the ones i consider close ,ive asked ?s just to see if theyre experiencing the same things I am...i quickly come to the conclusion that I have to change or fix somethings or my day to day life will never change...i feel as if I am in groundhog day...serioiusly..at times its all i can do to muster the same monotonous activities of the day, not showering or brushing my teeth till noon or not all...who cares>no one will see me and even if i did all those things and tried to look nice im almost unrecognizable to my own eyes.which is just devestating .. how do other mothers do it? I do love and cherish the little gifts through out the day with both my infant and toddler that I get to be apart of, and on the other hand those bad days with temper tantrums..8 or 9th timeout or poopie diaper or one hitting or biting the otheror breaking something or smeaking out of the back yard etc seems like with every incident my fuse is shorter and shorter, as of lately i have completely lost all control with my 2yr old and screamed in his face while squeezing his face,,pops on the legs that have left raised marks,,and this is not me!! and its very scary..what is wrong with me>my husband ive tried to explain what im going through,,,,and how "i need a break" seems to be falling on deaf ears,,,he wants me there to hang out and do family time and all i wanna do is get the hell away from the kids...my only breaks i can manage as of late is walmart trips that usually dont last even an hour bc he calls me within the first 10 min im gone and if the baby starts screaming ...he calls me bitching about "WHERE R U" "When will u b home, she screaming ,i dunno whats wrong,u better get here or im just gonna let her scream until u get home...so i always feel a since of urgency as soon as i step one foot out the door,,,in two months besides the late night walmart trips where im utterly exhausted but refuse to go to bed and wake up to the same thing day after day so i go even though im falling asleep pulling out of the garage...anyways in two months ive been kidless twice...equaling together a half day....AHHHHHHHH!!! somebody help..i kno i can have it better i just dont know where or what to ask for..or make my husband understand that desperatly wanting to leave the kids with him whn he comes home doesnt mean i hate the kids or him,,,it just makes me better mom....i see sahm's perfectly dressed and styled hair... a relaxed demeanor and kids taken care of and out doing things and truly look joyful and proud...whre i look like the homeless nanny taking care of these two well groomed children,,,,and im happy to be with them but severely humiliated to make eye contact with anyone but my children...im so glad i ranted ,,,feel a lil better already,,,i really hope someone somewhere can identify with me?
lanamugana lanamugana
31-35, F
Sep 19, 2012