I Said Yes When I Should Have Said No
I was fourteen and my friend had given me an ecstasy pill. I recall standing in the bathroom over the sink telling myself, "DO I really want to do this? Do I really want to change who I am?" I decided to do so in order to better help those around me when I eventually won the inner war drugs create. Previously I had been a Anti--Drug extremist. SO at this pivotal moment in time I create change.
I soon lost my wonderful first love, since I have regretted those actions. I lost my entire family connection. I ventured from real friends to fake friends. I lost who I really was. Some days I think about al the wrong doings I did. Sleeping with various strangers, hanging out with drug addicts and criminals, robbing and stealing myself. I ventured through every drug possible and found that all the pain of loosing those close is hard. Making new relationships and breaking them over drug induced anger and paranoia. For the first couple of years I thought all of this was okay. I rather enjoyed the life style and the parties. Then I had my first panic attacked caused by Marijuana. My life was turned upside down after that moment. I had sincerely thought I was going to die. Ever since including now I have been paranoid. I have been chronically depressed, and have had extreme social disorder. I repeat over in my head the negative way things can go. I hardly see the ways of joy. I have ruined multiple relationships, and found little inspiration. SO I decided to sober up. After multiple months of meth use I came to my senses and reached out. I forced my aunts hand in taking me in. I have lived here for three years now. When I moved in with her I still had the socialphobia's. I spent every day paranoid, faking who I am, and not loving. I disconnected. I feel like someone reached in and tore the soul out of my chest. I soon volunteered in many programs, and found small work. This still has brought me no mental peace. My negative images worsened with time. Though the hallucinations and voices stopped.
Now here I am currently, fighting everyday in my head to stay sober after one year of sobriety. I stand here with a girlfriend of one year. I stand here with two jobs and school under my belt. To the rest of the world I am doing excellent. I am healthy, and successful. Yet in my own head I am constantly fighting a raging battle. Still after 3 years of cutting back, many months in a row of sobriety. Day in and day out of agony and mental torture, I still feel the pain. I still feel that lack of spark or love.
The hardest part to endure, and the main reason why I am here. None of my sober friends stuck around. All but one who scrutinized and left me out to fend for myself and abandon me became drug addicts soon after I realized my calling to quit. I watched girl after girl get forced into physical acts. None of them listened when I warned. I have told multiple young kids quitting is important. I tell them my story and that the suffering is not worth it. They do not listen. My goal is to be here when they need a hand out of the fire. Everyday of my life I feel like I am still burning, I am here to be the angel of those who need a pale of water.
If you read my summary, please take head that someone some where said yes and they need your help when they decided to stand and say no. Most aren't as fortunate as me. Most don't survive.
I soon lost my wonderful first love, since I have regretted those actions. I lost my entire family connection. I ventured from real friends to fake friends. I lost who I really was. Some days I think about al the wrong doings I did. Sleeping with various strangers, hanging out with drug addicts and criminals, robbing and stealing myself. I ventured through every drug possible and found that all the pain of loosing those close is hard. Making new relationships and breaking them over drug induced anger and paranoia. For the first couple of years I thought all of this was okay. I rather enjoyed the life style and the parties. Then I had my first panic attacked caused by Marijuana. My life was turned upside down after that moment. I had sincerely thought I was going to die. Ever since including now I have been paranoid. I have been chronically depressed, and have had extreme social disorder. I repeat over in my head the negative way things can go. I hardly see the ways of joy. I have ruined multiple relationships, and found little inspiration. SO I decided to sober up. After multiple months of meth use I came to my senses and reached out. I forced my aunts hand in taking me in. I have lived here for three years now. When I moved in with her I still had the socialphobia's. I spent every day paranoid, faking who I am, and not loving. I disconnected. I feel like someone reached in and tore the soul out of my chest. I soon volunteered in many programs, and found small work. This still has brought me no mental peace. My negative images worsened with time. Though the hallucinations and voices stopped.
Now here I am currently, fighting everyday in my head to stay sober after one year of sobriety. I stand here with a girlfriend of one year. I stand here with two jobs and school under my belt. To the rest of the world I am doing excellent. I am healthy, and successful. Yet in my own head I am constantly fighting a raging battle. Still after 3 years of cutting back, many months in a row of sobriety. Day in and day out of agony and mental torture, I still feel the pain. I still feel that lack of spark or love.
The hardest part to endure, and the main reason why I am here. None of my sober friends stuck around. All but one who scrutinized and left me out to fend for myself and abandon me became drug addicts soon after I realized my calling to quit. I watched girl after girl get forced into physical acts. None of them listened when I warned. I have told multiple young kids quitting is important. I tell them my story and that the suffering is not worth it. They do not listen. My goal is to be here when they need a hand out of the fire. Everyday of my life I feel like I am still burning, I am here to be the angel of those who need a pale of water.
If you read my summary, please take head that someone some where said yes and they need your help when they decided to stand and say no. Most aren't as fortunate as me. Most don't survive.
By:
EnochDreams
Age:
18-21
