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On The Kitchen Floor

The day my mother died, I sunk to the kitchen floor and cried.

I love my mother. I didn't pray for her to die. I prayed that my life would get better.

When she died, it did. It got a lot better.

As a child and as an adult, I was subjected to horrible abuse by her.

I prayed that I would one day have the life that I wanted to live without being victimized by her abuse.

I was dying inside and it was showing up on the outside. Friends were worried about me because they could see the toll it was taking on me.

I had cried so much for so long, I began to feel guilty for trees. I felt that I was killing them because I used so much tissue to wipe the tears from my eyes. I finally found ladies handkerchiefs so I wouldn't feel so guilty in all of my pain.

The day she died, I cried.

I had always wanted a "normal" mother/daughter relationship. Something we never had and would never have.

At her funeral, a cousin of mine noticed my handkerchief. I told her my life was filled with so much pain (through my divorce, etc.), that I had to purchase handkerchiefs.

A week after her funeral, I was confronted with more questions about her life than answers when I found out some very disturbing things about her.

After my shock, all I could say was, "I still love you mom." I still love my mother, just not the abuse she put me through.

God answered my prayers. He saw to it that my life improved.

I am able to look at her life and death with a greater understanding and know that I am destined to become the person that I am supposed to be because I survived all of what I was subjected to.

I am thankful that my prayers were answered and I am finally free to be me.

I still cry. But, they are tears of release and tears of joy in the hope of a better and happier future.
iwritebiographies iwritebiographies 41-45, F 1 Response Jun 19, 2011

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This post brought me to tears IWB. Those words of yours .. about you loving your mother, just not what she did to you with the abuse. That kind of forgiveness is a gift from God. I'm so glad you maintained your strong faith and continued to pray to God to be delivered from your circumstances. i hope God always continues to bless you, protect you and inspire you. Thank you for sharing your experience in such an eloquent way.

Thank you phatnhapi. I believe that if we share the experiences we will get past the pain and help someone else in the process.