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Today

I sat in my room and cried, and cried, and cried.
I didn't want him to go. It may have been a little over the top. But the thought of him leaving and me being all by myself absolutely devastated me.
I hate my emotions.
I hate that i have so many. I hate that i can't control them.
It seriously felt like the end of the world today. Like my heart had broken, or something.
I had that horrible sick feeling. You know when the sadness makes you physically ill? That disgusting butterflies feeling and the huge hole in your chest. That's how i felt. Absolutely crushed.
But why? I overeacted, I know.
I wish so much that another person didn't have the ability to mess with my emotions. I wish loving someone didn't make you feel so vulnerable. I wish I wasn't so excessive. I hate feeling like i need someone.
But that's definitely how it felt today. I needed him. Well, i wanted him, and i was a brat, so i had a tantrum because i wasn't going to get what i wanted. Shame on me.
I know it's bad, i'm well aware of it.
And luckily, it is that time of month so i can blame a bit of it on pms.
But i know...I can feel myself getting in way too deep. I hate a single night without him. Even a day. I feel desperate. I hate this! I can feel myself falling so hard at some point and i don't know if i will be able to get back up after that round.

jasminjane jasminjane 18-21, F Feb 19, 2009

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