MumFor those who haven't witnessed somebody die from cancer, be thankful.
It's ******* horrific.
Mum was in hospital, and we knew she was going to die soon. In the week leading up to her death, she was hallucinating heavily (she had a lot of brain tumors), she wasn't breathing properly or swallowing and her limbs swelled up like balloons.
I had to try to wash her mouth out because gunk was forming. I did a lot in nursing my Mum. I stuck my fingers up her anus when she was constipated, I cleaned up after she crapped or pissed all over the bed. I dressed her revolting breast tumor which was full of pus and blood and bodily fluids I'd never seen or smelt before. But cleaning out my Mum's mouth when she was dying made me gag. I love her to pieces and you don't ever recover from something like this.
In the minutes before Mum died, Dad and I had ducked outside the ward to talk. My Aunty informed me that Mum was gasping my name. We rushed to her side. Her lips and fingertips had turned blue/purple. She was gurgling deeply (known as the death rattle - the most horrific thing you will ever hear). Dad and I each grabbed a hand and watched as her jaw dropped, saliva drooled down her chin and Dad wept as he frantically wiped her drool with a tissue. Mum's heart beat was pounding through a vein in her neck. I watched as it slowed. She strained to speak just before her body shut down. I'm not sure exactly what she said, but it sounded like: "It will all be over soon".
At that moment I burst into uncontrollable sobs. My Dad was howling. My Mum was gurgling, gasping and jolting. Her eyes started to roll back into her head and the vein in her neck slowly stopped pulsing. I held her hand tightly and sobbed into my sleeve. I kissed Mum's forehead and told her I loved her one more time but she'd already stopped breathing.
The doctors assured as that Mum's death was "peaceful" and that the body released a rush of endorphin's in her last moments. It still doesn't change the fact that it was traumatic and horrific to witness. There's nothing peaceful or glamorous about watching someone you love so deeply, die so horribly.
The only thing that could have been worse would be witnessing Mum die a violent or torturous death.
I want my Mum back so badly. I miss her every moment. But there's nothing I can do about it, so I just have to suck it up and learn to live with the crippling grief.