My Mother and My Ex Fiance...

They have bipolar and "non classic" schizophrenia respectively.

I feel so helpless and they are so far away. Sometimes, I blame myself for their pain.

TheRealWoman TheRealWoman
31-35, F
4 Responses Feb 21, 2009

The comments here warm my soul.<br />
<br />
WW, I want to transcend....so much.

Greetings RealWoman, <br />
<br />
Since this is an older posting, tt was my first intent to write you on this matter in person, but I have since understood that the breadcrumb trail may well be important for those who follow this read. <br />
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It is with tender fondness for your life experience that I hope that you have grown beyond the sentiment of this essay since the time you have written it. I am also a child abuse survivor and I have emerged from a horrific crucible of healing. My primary abuser is my mother and this emotional landscape set the stage--neurologically--for this vista to be my romantic relationship "comfort zone" and the emotional temperature to which I previously did unknowingly aspire. <br />
<br />
I married young--stayed married for a long time, found the presence of mind to at last divorce him and followed my freedom with relationships that all had the same temperature of my most intimate emotional landscape. I choose celibacy--in hopes of a time when I had my own experiential proof that I had indeed reconciled my emotionally healthy self-esteem with consistency in thought word and deed with the romantic choices I was making. <br />
<br />
During this process, I experienced as seemingly unrelated breakthrough--I came to understand that I am acutely empathic. In reviewing my childhood traumas I found that many of the feelings associated with the experiences were not my own--they were my abuser's feelings. In relationship I had been attempting to replicate feelings that were not representational of how I feel about my self--they were my abuser's feelings toward me. This understanding SET ME FREE!<br />
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I suggest to you this: the ties that bind us transcend geographical space, thus it is possible that that the blame for pain you feel (felt) is/was not your own--but that of your abuser's. Banish it and enjoy well being and healling. <br />
<br />
WIth love peace and abiding affection....WW

I have bi-polar and have been psychotic at time in the past. I can tell you, it's not your fault. while there are things loved one's can sometimes do to help, they cannot make the mental illness go away. When people are psychotic they don't have access to reality. Sometimes they say or do hurtful things, in their fear, pain and panic that hurt or blame others...but remember, they are not currently connected to reality.<br />
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I sometimes feel like people should "save me", but I know that my mental illness is not their fault, and that they can't save me. it just doesn't work that way. <br />
<br />
It's hard to deal with a loved one with these issues, but please dont' take it too harshly upon yourself.<br />
<br />
If you can get even one session with someone familiar with these issues, to talk out how you feel it might help. You might be able to get some free help, idea from your local mental health support group. There are so many people in your situation that many communities have groups to help people deal with feelings like yours. To help them understand what they can and can't do for their loved one and how to take care of themselves as well.

but thats because you are physically far away--------------------but still cannot be your fault!