Burning Out?

I have reached the bottom again. On Friday I went to work and out of the blue (ha-ha) I started crying as if there was no ending to it. Then I just told my employee I needed a day off. Actually, I have no idea how to function normally again. Whatever I do, my mind is occupied with hundreds of thoughts which i cannot turn off, to concentrate on a concrete task at my job, at home with my kids, whatever,  has become such  a hard task to accomplish... My ex-husband has put me in a situation from which - as I am now finally beginning to wholly realize - there seems to be no way out.... He owes a huge sum of money and as i was his wife at the time he got the loans from different banks, I am considered responsible to the same extent... The banks want their money back now, I have none, he ignores the trials...My sons and I live in a flat my aunt has allowed us to dwell in for some time (where are we to go afterwards?????), my salary is only enough to live from thanks to the generous and loving help of my parents and family (but o gosh, they have countless problems of their own!!!), I am tired all the time, i try to work as much as i am able to, until it´s time to run for my older boy to school and the younger one to the kindergarden, and at four p.m. i feel like i just CANNOT think one more thought, make one more step, take one more breath... i also work at weekends,  and keep running from one place to the other, i feel i am in constant stress, I do not know how to o on... i have started eating 24/7, smoking, and feel even worse, i look in the mirror and i see a woman with hollow eyes who looks like that painting by Edward Munch, The Scream. i am so tired.this might sound like self pity, believe me, i have been trying to be as positive as ahuman being has ever been, i have read all the must-literature, all the Secrets and Coelhos and everything, i have been repeating words of hope and smiling and listening to Monty Python´s bright side of life....... but i just feel weaker by pushing these buttons on my keyboard... weaker and weaker with every single one...as if i didn´t believe anymore. no good man will ever want such a wreck, and i wouldn´t want to pull down a good person into this terrible situation ( if there is any man like that on Earth... the last four years have been proving me that there really is no man for me). and o dearest God, my children... what future can i ensure them??? i feel so completely forlorn...
elaine1979 elaine1979
31-35, F
Nov 5, 2011