It Couldn't Be More True.

I have always acted differently around other people, like I've always wanted them to see me in a certain way.
Cool with everyone and everything and nothing can affect me because I am solid as a rock, but truthfully on the inside I care a lot about what others think of me, and I care about a lot of things, when people just assume I don't care, and its gotten harder and harder to deal with... when I express my feelings, my true personal feelings I don't think those around me take me seriously, because I have put on my act for so long, and I can be very convincing I've been told, when I act.
I've been told that I manipulate people into doing what I want them to do, usually I just try to do what I think I should do to help people, but sometimes I think other people just think of me as a malicious *******, because of the hard shell that I put on the outside, but on the inside I am very compassionate, and I have deep feelings like everyone else.
It feels good to get this out...
In my circles if I started expressing myself like this I would probably get laughed at,
If people knew that I cared, I could be closer to them, I'd like that, to be close to somebody, on that emotional level,
Some of my friends know how I feel inside, there was a suicide, a girl from my school, she was very close to some of my closest friends, I knew her as well, not very well and in hindsight I wish I would have gotten to know her better, anyways after that had happened I wrote a poem and sent it in an email to some of my closest friends, and it made me feel better, to express my feelings, I would do it more often but.
I would express myself more often but, its like im afraid to show weakness so that im not taken advantage of... and so when I break down and I cry, I cry alone by myself, because I don't think they would understand.
Sometimes I think its good though, the way I act tough and such, because then others can look up to me and think, be strong, just like this individual, and so to help other people get through their problems, mine can always wait, right? Right? Nobody ever answers the question, and so by myself again I'll try to work it all out.
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
There are others like me out there right?
iamalexa iamalexa
26-30, T
2 Responses Jan 22, 2012

Sounds familiar, but you know there's a saying that says. "Being strong for so long." I'm not sure how long you intend on hiding behind that creepy mask of yours, but until you show your face, how you really are on the inside, then that's all they'll see you as. A pillar of fortitude and strength, not the longing character buried beneath it. Maybe you are worried about how they'll view you if you do, if they're your real friends then they'd accept you for who you are. You are waiting for the right person you can show yourself to if this is the case yes? I'm not sure. I can only speculate this much on your behalf.

You live in Vancouver...right?

Yes, well very close to anyways.