The Future Is Always A Step Away

When I was a wee lass I thought I'd live forever. I saw someone in their 30's or 40's and think "man, they're old". In my 30's I'd see someone in they're 80's and think "huh, end of life in 50".

Now that I'm in my 50's I see my friends dying, my family has all passed on and I sit in absolute horror thinking... Omfg - life is soooo short... I'm not done... I'm not happy and there's soooo much more to experience.

In high school I set goals for myself - a college education, career, marriage and maybe 1 or 2 kids.... Maybe....

I started out ok - graduated high school, went to a top notch university and then... Reality set in.....


My grades plummeted at school, it was so hard to concentrate on school with all the social activities. I got in to music and photography and spent more time backstage at gigs than on campus. Eventually I met a producer and moved in to the big city of Chicago. Freelance photography and music replaced my educational goals.

About a year later I married a man 8 years older than I. Little did I know his horrific abuse would set the scene for all my future relationships. Even though we dated for close to a year, I never saw the propensity for violence this "man" carried inside. I was 19, I was naive... So friggen trusting and stupid.

He would drag me out of bed asleep to throw me on the ground and kick the **** out of me while he screamed at me to "make me some dinner you ******* useless *****". If I didn't scurry off he would kick and punch me some more. I had a loaded gun held to my head on many occasions. I was thrown out of moving vehicles, covered in black and blue bruises and the son of a ***** kicked me so hard in the stomach and ribs one time he caused me to miscarry what would have been my first child....

The relationship lasted a year and 3 months... The marriage was the 3 months. I left in the middle of the night... I still remember the cab drivers face as he helped me carry my suitcases - I was covered in bruses, black eyes... I threw the gun in the dumpster... And fled, litteraly for my life to calif and never looked back.

Yeah... I blame myself still. I should have known.... But logic wasn't with me then.

From then on my relationships were in MY control. I was so scared of strong men that I ended up only getting involved with the weak ones who I could control... Scared that I would die if I ever met someone like my ex husband again.

I wasn't happy... Sex, drugs and Rock n roll ruled my life until I was 40. Trying to stamp out that horrible abuse. Trying to mask the symptoms. Trying to form relationships that I could control.

I learned a LOT during those years. I learned that weak men, and weak women - are useless. I don't want to be in charge of someone else's personna. I have enough to do being in charge of my own.

I had 3 beautiful and amazing children between 30 and 40. I wanted them but, the men in my life were too weak to stay and see the amazing young people they turned out to be. I am proud that I was strong enough to raise my kids pretty much on my own and that they are good people.

I had an amazing career in film, video and broadcasting for 25+ years. Made great money, had great times. Never lost my control.

Completed my AAS in graphic design with a web design emphasis in 2004. BA in psych in 2008 and completed my masters degree in EdPsy last week. 30 years of education despite what life threw at me :)

In 2000 I watched my father die and lived through my daughter (just 18 months) being kidnapped by her paternal grandparents. 2 aunts and my uncle died that year. I lost everything I knew that year including my sanity. Ended up somewhere I never in my life thought I would be... Somewhere I had NO control... Had a nervous breakdown (go figure).

I married a man in in that time frame whom I thought was a good man. Steady job, didn't do drugs, didn't drink. What else could you ask for right? WRONG AGAIN!!! Another weak man... Physically as well a emotionally. You'd think I would have learned right. Stupid me!!! Things were great until after the wedding night... He refused to touch me. Not a hug, only a peck for a kiss... And no sex EVER. I was so ashamed of the events of 2000. So full of self loathing and hatred for losing my daughter and everything I had that I stayed in an emotionally abusive, sexless, non-physical marriage for TEN ******* years. All the while telling myself how worthless I was, punishing myself. Hating myself. How could I be anything but a useless piece of **** if the man I married didn't even want to touch me. 10 years of my life punishing myself, lol. Makes me chuckle a little now... I may be book smart but I am extremely life stupid (as I sit here with my Magna *** Laude degrees staring at me from their place on the wall). 10 years wasted.....

Held my dear mothers hand as she lay dying in 2007.... Watched as my auntie lay dying in 2010. But nothing prepared me for the horrific death of my love this past March - a death nightmares are made of.

It was the shock of witnessing his horrific and unnatural death, not anything else that I have endured in my life that made me realize...

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Sep 19, 2012