Change Can Be Good......To have come into this world of people not knowing what it was and not even sure why I was here, was a blurred part of my life I can't exactly say I remember with hope. I was lost and lonely. I was in pain and dying and searching for something..... some answer to my questions. I don't even know what the questions were. I don't think I did even back then. Most people who know me here now, know my story. I wish I didn't have to tell it here again, but I guess that's the premise of this group, isn't it? To tell how EP has changed your life you must first tell what needed to be changed.
In April of 2007 my husband died. It wasn't a good death. He died in pain and suffering and right before my eyes and I could do nothing but die with him as he told me he was dying. That is a day that still tears at my heart. I relive it periodically. I have three children. The oldest at the time was 13 years old. I had to return home to tell them their father was gone. I had to tell his sister. He was all she had left to call family aside from me and the kids. There were arrangements to make, friends to call, a business to run and children to feed and console and care for. There was no time for me. Not everyone can "take time" to grieve. I grieved by not sleeping, eating little and working as hard as I could. I worked alone. Our business was small and had only one other employee, which I had to let go. When John died, everyone thought our shop went with him. I couldn't afford help, so I worked alone. I did this for a year and four months.
I did bring my younger sister in to work after a time. She was an early graduate from high school. So now I wasn't alone all the time. When I would go home for the evening and after the kids went to sleep, I paid the bills and grieved and surfed on the internet. I didn't know that's what it was called at the time. I hadn't really ever been on the net before. I was having dreams about John that troubled me. So I was looking.....to see why. That's when I found EP. I found it by accident looking for a dream interpretation. I found others like me instead. I found other people with other stories and experiences and we talked and cried and advised each other. I made friends. Some are not here on EP anymore, and others have come since I have been here. I think most were always here and I found them or they found me. I'm not exactly sure.
I met a very good young man here who is outspoken, intelligent, wise for his age and lost as much as I had even though he didn't get the chance to share his life with her as I did with my husband. I met a wonderful woman, who is brave, strong, loves life and isn't afraid to speak her mind. Both of these people helped me to share a part of me that I had long buried deep for none to see but me.
I met my confidant here. He let me talk and cry and get out all my frustrations without judging and gave me advise and help when I needed it without asking for anything in return. He helped me to feel worthwhile again.
I met my best friend here. She drew me out of my shell. She let me see that I do have a sense of humor worth sharing and that I am worth knowing and have a life worth living for all to see. I couldn't have been as brave with my words if it had not been for her. I don't know what drew her to me, but I am glad she drug me from the shadows.
I met the man of my dreams here. We share some of the same heartaches of life and interests. We talk and share everything. We were best friends before we knew we were in love and when we finally met in person, it was like all the emptiness in my life was suddenly filled with his light. I am changed because of him. I know that I can love again. I found that love isn't just a lonely road for two people that ends when one dies, but opens new paths to new love and new experiences of happiness. He sees that part of me that I kept in shadow and I am not afraid to let him see it. He loves me and I love him.
That is how EP has changed my life. I will never say that EP is a bad place to be no matter how it changes. I found my hopes and dreams here. I found new understanding here. I found friends from all over the world here and they have given me a perspective on life that I have never had before. EP has changed my life and it has only been for the better.