Please Help Me Understand


When I was younger, about 8/9 years old, I had some every strange feelings. Sometimes when I was busy walking down the corridor of my home, a strange sensation came upon me. I would feel trapped. I felt alien to this world. My mind formed questions like ‘Why walls? Why a floor? Why a ceiling? Why limbs? Why a family? Why are these pieces of wood locked into the floor?’. And then it felt as if I didn’t know or couldn’t find any sense to a physical body, a 3D world with rules and morals and no freedom-->I felt enclosed, limited, trapped.

I had these moments often back then. Now they don’t come as regularly.

Then there’s the major ‘déjà vu’s. I remember one I had that was pretty creepy. This was back in sixth grade. I was in class and my teacher was telling us one of her million stories about her beloved VW Beetle. The second she finished her sentence, I knew exactly which of the students would say something and what he would say. And it happened, of course. My head felt like it was sinking. But it was all so quick I wasn’t able to trace his words until the last one. I was very scared.

About me:
I have always been interested in mystical subjects, astronomy, physics and subjects regarding the universe. The only problem is that I am terrible at understanding these things. My math and science marks are horrible. I have all these interests but because I’m so terrible at understanding calculations and codes I just never bothered to pursue in them. I really really wish, though, that I could.
I am a very shy, awkward, quiet person. I like to be alone. I don’t know how to continue a conversation or basic chit chat. I am 16 and never had a boyfriend because of these social issues that I have.
I have very strange ideas* and I say very strange things that people don’t understand or don’t care about or think is stupid but in my eyes what I say have valid points.

Because of these strange ideas and thoughts (like how I think there are superior beings other than God watching me and giving me signs) I figured I may have some sort of mental disorder. I took tests online for schizophrenia, asperger’s and autism. The results were mostly ‘mild schizophrenia’ or ‘mild autism’..mild mild mild.

Lucid dreaming is one of my favourite activities. I enjoy being somewhere where anything is easily possible. I have considered using psychedelic drugs like mushrooms or lsd or dmt just to go elsewhere where things are mystic and beautiful…sometimes.

* One of the strange ideas that I came up with myself when I was just sitting and thinking about the universe THEN I FELT IT:
The universe is destroying itself then rebuilding itself in the smallest span of time so that there can be a continuity--past, present and future.

I’m not sure how I came up with this. Anyway, years later after this idea of mine, Andrew VanWyngarden of MGMT said THE SAME THING in an interview. Then a year after that I read THE SAME THING in a Terry Pratchett Discworld Novel “Thief of Time”. I’m absolutely stunned. I thought that that idea was bollocks and suddenly these two geniuses say the same thing
The reason why I write this is because of all the strange recurring coincidences I’m experiencing today. It is now getting close to the 2012 doomsday or whatever. I’m having recurring sightings of the number 11. A lot of the coincidences I am having now seem to be telling me “Live the rest of your life NOW. Have fun NOW. Time is almost over! Enjoy it!” , which makes sense since “doomsday” is 11 days from now. But in a way it doesn’t make sense because whatever mental disorder I may have keeps telling me that one day I will change the world—I will get rid of famine and I will bring peace a I will win Nobel Prize. If the world ends soon then when will I do all these marvelous things?

I read a lot of websites on these 11:11 conspiracies and synchronicity and failed to understand all of them. I don’t understand how the universe works with the number 11 or binary codes.. I don’t understand how we are powerful souls and our brains are special and they work with codes that are linked with the universe and whatnot. I just don’t get it. I don’t know how to reach into other planes of reality or whatever.

So these are the things happening to me-
-lacking logic to do and understand things
-recurring coincidences
-11 sightings
-the sensation of displacement from reality and the body
-not understanding the world, morals and values

Is there really some sort of conscience that is communicating with me or is this idea just another of the symptoms of my possible mental disorder? And what is the conscience telling me, then, if I’m not crazy?
DanPozeleneo DanPozeleneo
18-21, F
Dec 10, 2012