I See a Psychiatrist
I've been seeing a Psychiatrist now for what seems like a long time, but in actuality, it's been for about 8 months since the time of this writing. While my metal state is somewhat healthy now, it hasn't always been the case. I'm not referring to myself as having a mental condition that would require harsh treatment in a padded room and constant surveillance like those with severe conditions, but rather behaviors and thought processes that have kept me from achieving greatness and realizing my fullest potential as a human being. I battle co-dependency. An onslaught of constant conditioning on degrading myself, shredding my self-esteem, being told I am a "Can't do-er" and believing them and holding silent resentments for myself and others, only to lash out at the most in-opportune times.
I pride myself on being a smart guy, very intellectual, logical, technical, yet still a socialite of sorts. However, I've come to find out that my social prowess comes from an unhealthy behavior of getting attention of a "Look at me, look what I can do", and even more so, existing in a realm of sacrificing myself, my feelings, emotions, wants and needs to please other people. I control, manipulate, to get what I want, and hate myself for it. I was never aware of these behaviors until everything in my universe came crashing down on me on a September day back in 2007. After 30+ years of trying to control my life, I soon realized that I was nothing more than out of control and I just couldn't understand why all of these negative things kept following me.
When I realized I needed help, I met my Psychiatrist in November 2007. At first, I wasn't sure what to make of this, or what to do to proceed in my recovery, but all I know is that I needed to be there. As the number of sessions went by, my comfort level increased; and as we dived into my personality and psyche, I am coming to find out that my Psychiatrist is a science-loving, Discovery Channel watching, ubber-geek, just as myself. I feel this helps greatly when my he shares with me those ideals and issues into terms that I can understand and am familiar with. On more than one occasion, she has shared with me the the idea of "The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few...unless those needs are yours, then you come first..." (partly taken from "Spock"). I take away more of his help when it makes sense to me.
I'm fortunate to see Dr. Andy on our bi-weekly sessions, and while I recognize that my recovery is going to be long and arduous, it does make it easier knowing he is there to help me and relate with me instead of trying to medicate me into a worthless calm.
Cheers!
