It's Cold Here.

I'm in the big fancy house my husband bought.   I grew up with 6 siblings and several dogs running about.  Meat wasn't on the menu daily or weekly but we worked in the garden during the summer and at times my parents would send us to Kentucky to my Grandma's farm to work with cousins during harvest.  My mother canned most of what we ate.  You didn't bother to name the chickens either.   I was married to a man with two sons to raise as his first wife had passed away.  It wasn't easy I knew little about him and he just picked me out of a picture someone had shown him.  He came to a restuarant I worked in and asked me outright as I was in my 20's and in my family I was told by my mother I was a old maid.  My sister had married at 17 and my mother was 15 or 16 when she married.  I was too fussy and too picky to wait so long.    So he came in and set a diamond ring on the counter infront of me.  I have two sons, he said, you won't have to worry about having to have them yourself.  I have a house, he said, all ready for you to clean.  No apartment or having to deal with laundra mats.  I live in the city near my parents.  My sons are just 13 years younger than you.  Your brother is 9 years younger and you adore him.  You will learn to love me and my sons, he said.

I did.  I love him and his sons but they aren't my own children.  I sit in his house as pretty as it is, there is no stove in the livingroom with heat.  The kitchen stove would not know how to heat tomatoes for canning.  My mother came to visit once.  My husband had her take off her shoes and wear slippers on white fancy rugs.   He referred to the restuarant I worked at as a dive and told my mother how I am so better off with him.  He had my hair cut and styled it and my nails painted and I can't do dishes with them.  He says I should be happy but I feel cold and lonely now.  I wish I could go home but it's not there anymore.  I left it 20 years ago. 

TouchMeNot TouchMeNot
41-45, F
6 Responses Mar 14, 2009

Life is cruel. Destiny plays illusions and tricks all through the life. For us ordinary people who are not divinely talented or surprisingly lucky, it all depends on where and how you start. If you start at an advantageous position, then you might win both happiness and wealth. If you don't have such a legacy, you'll have to be select one among two options: Have a comfortable, enviable wealthy life or just be happy. That's the trade-off. It's difficult to have them both. <br />
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I hail from low income group village background. My father was a government clerk making paltry sums at the end of each hard month. We had a close-knit family consisting my parents and my only brother--the four of us. My mother worked round-the-clock to make ends meet. And surprisingly, they were content with life. <br />
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After my 10th exams, I came to a city in search of a career. I did odd jobs, part-times and gradually started working up the career track. I could not go to blue-chip universities for the want of funds, but I don't regret. Lack of degrees has never been a deterrent for me. All my childhood I heard my parents stressing the need of KNOWING WHAT YOU LEARN. So I was never in the rat-race for grades or degrees. <br />
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I have, sort of, overachieved my childhood expectations and been working at a good position in a large media house. But am I happy? That's difficult to answer. <br />
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First, I can hardly meet my parents who have grown old at my will. The demands of a media jobs are just endless--it's difficult to leave the city even on weekends. I am having to live with this hollowness in my heart, the void that my parents' absence in my life has created. <br />
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Second, my wife is a typical semi-urbanized fierce sort who looks down on my parents for their countryside background, despite the fact that she is no way even closer to either the wisdom or enterprise that my parents have had. I contemplated a divorce, but now it's impossible since I have a small daughter. I don't want her to grow up with the baggage of having her parents estranged. I was endowed with my parents' love--love that doesn't take the shape of costly toys or blue-chip schools. They had nothing, but they knew they would have to try their best to raise us. <br />
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I wish my wife could see those days.<br />
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Third, I don't know what my beloved brother is up to. We seldom speak, thanks to the wizardry of his wife that made our regular meetings impossible. <br />
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Fourth and the most important point is, I feel that I've completely lost myself, the happy-go-lucky, curious, innocent chap who came looking for a career in a big city. Every media house thrives on lies and deceit, and ours is no exception. I am trapped inside it and I see no way-out. I left my teaching job long ago to be able to make it in the media. I made it, to some extent, but in exchange of my soul.<br />
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I just wish my daughter grows up quickly and gain maturity to understand why I haven't opted for a divorce so far. Most importantly, I can't blame my luck for what I am having to go through. Since this is exactly what I wanted when I was young--a plum job, a city life, a good-looking, urban wife, hobnobbing with the who's who, a booming social life. I wish I knew then how hollow, pointless and futile all this is.<br />
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Last time when I visited my village, I met a young man who, much like me, want to make it big in a city. I tried to tell him that the trade-off his happiness and innocence. He didn't believe me and suspected I am trying to dissuade him. I know someday he will make it in this big city. People seem to be all too happy to trade off happiness with success and comfort.

I'm sorry, while the details aren't the same, the story line progression is with me. I married a man because he wanted to take me and my daughter in, give us a big house, and no worries, all I had to do was stay home. No bank account, nothing in my name, just the satisfaction that I had a great big house and land for me and my kids(we had one together) to enjoy. But it gets oppressing. And hard to deal with. I'm sorry you are living this, but I'm glad to see other stories that I can relate to, if that doesn't come off as sounding harsh or rude. If you want to talk, I am willing, I think we have a lot in common.

Sounds like the house is a metaphor of you. Fortune is nothing, if you don't have love in your life. I know of some who are miserable, but can buy and sell others in an instant. Can you sit down and have a serious discussion with him, tell him how you feel and what you want out of life? I am here if you want to talk. :)

I feel sorry for you. To have such good fortune & yet to be bossed about & told how to look, & whom to be friends with? This is just plain manipulation.

Yes sm1985. I was the perfect wife and step-mother until my husband hit a 6 figure income. Now I'm that sweet little country girl that is 44 years old and enrolled in a business college so I can get a proper job if I want one. He also wants to hand pick my friends as many of mine are from the wrong side of town now.

Life is to precious to be sad. I noticed you mentioned you came to love but there is no mention of like or passion. I fear the happy you was lost somewhere.