Righting the Wrongs
It amazes me how we can flow through life, interacting with people and the ones we love on a daily basis, and never know the hurt we are causing. Sure you notice most of the things that you do that affect those around you. You may notice their mood after saying or doing something that hurts them, you feel bad and say you're sorry and move on through life. But what happens when you don't notice that you are causing that pain? What happens when that action continues for one or two years. You never saw it, for whatever reason, you don't acknowledge it happening and meanwhile the other person is suffering. They are suffering in silence waiting for the change that should happen because they believe the other person loves them. I am in such a place. I am seeking forgiveness for a terrible wrong I committed. I emotionally hurt the one I love, for a long time. I feel so guilty for not doing anything about it for all that time. I can't say what I did was purposely done, because obviously I love my wife and would not do anything purposely to cause her any pain. I wish I could take back all the pain she has, take away the doubt that we can repair our relationship and save our marriage. I feel the sadness now, I feel the extreme amount of guilt knowing what I have done, and how I have changed the woman who sang like an angel and had a sparkle in her eye. The woman who opened herself up to me and allowed herself to be so vulnerable in my arms. She removed all the guards from her heart believing in me that I would never harm her heart the way others had in the past. She used to be so full of life, looking forward to every new day like the adventure that it should be. I read the emails we sent to one another from years ago, my God she has changed, and I take responsibility for that. I murdered that glow, I killed that desire, I extinguished the flame that consumed her, the undying love she proclaimed for me, I cooled of the warmth emanating from within her. All because I could not see with the eyes I can see through today. They say hindsight is always 20/20. In this case its very painful to look back and see the havoc and carnage that I have caused. I fear I have permanently damaged the one person that means the world to me. She is filled with anger at me for what she has become, lifeless, numb, cynical and empty. She feels like but a hollowed out shell of her previous self. And I now understand why. I understand what part my hand has had in her unfortunate transformation. She hates what she has become, that she doesn't feel love anymore, her self-esteem, her short temper. She has become the opposite of what she once was. I wish I could take back, unravel the the ties that bind her to this existence. Free her from the pain and warm her heart. Bring light to her smile and that glimmer to her eye. We are in the dead cold of winter in our relationship, I am looking forward to an early thaw and the glorious miracle of the rebirth of spring. I sincerely seek forgiveness for the actions and inactions I have committed, the pain I have caused. I do not wish to forget the lesson learned, that love is special, love is a delicate flower that must be nurtured and watered daily, it must be protected from the ravaging winds lest it lose its petals, it must be allowed to view the sun lest it shrivel up and wilt away. It must be guarded from the outside world yet allowed to bloom for the world to see. Ours was a strong love with a good start, but you can never take love for granted if you do it can become choked by the weeds. I want to make a new start, I want my best friend, lover, and co conspirator back. Together we once again can be unstoppable and our love can bloom. Please forgive me.