Is It PossibleI had always been on the other side of forgivness. You know the one that needed to forgive. Somethings and people I forgave easily, others took longer but I always managed to forgive. Even those that physically hurt me or abused me.
But how do you forgive when you are the one that caused the pain? I'm not the "victim" I created the victims. I see myself as a monster now, and have closed of all contact with those that I love most. Only because I can't bear to see HOW much I hurt them. I have apologized to them all.
How does one forgive themselves? I'm stuck in this revolving door of self-hate, and I can't move forward. I'm not in self pity mode. Trust me. I HONESTLY BELIEVE DEEP DOWN TO MY CORE THAT I DON'T DESERVE TO BE FORGIVEN. I created my bed and now I must lie in it. Right?
If those that I hurt told me their sides, I wouldn't recommend that they forgive me. I would tell them that they don't need someone like that in their lives. Some things are unforgiveable, and some people are horrible. Isn't that what we are taught? There are good people and there are bad people. Well I have crossed over to the other side and to think differently about myself would be a double standard. I can't justify my actions. I can't change them. It wasn't illegal, so it's not like I can pay my debt to society and move on. I see myself now as the one that is deserving of the bad things that happen.
Hmmmmmmm........ writing all that out gives me even more clarity on my situation.