Rubble

2010..

 

It was supposed to be a good year. A year of growth. Breaking free from the weights I've been stuck under for so long. And I guess it is. Somewhat. I have been doing everything I can this year to find some wisdom. Some kind of understanding of life and what makes things work the way they do. What I can live with and what I have to let go of.

But I keep forgetting. Growth hurts.

I am trying my wings out in so many ways, and I am finding pain that I didn't know I was capable of feeling anymore. The thing is...I'm learning...in a long relationship...you grow complacent. Things stop hurting because..it's learned helplessness. The dog who is shocked wherever he goes, so he just lays there and lets the current get him. No way to get out, so you endure. It's not even a feeling of being trapped. But of the utter inability to change something. I called it love, and acceptance. But it wasn't. I have ignored it because it wasn't getting better.

Change.

I don't like change. I like familiarity. The comfort of what is known.

So I sit here, and make even more circles for myself. I've played my guitar, I have started drawing, I have painted...I have spewed forth every thought that comes into my head as soon as I feel the synapse fire. I feel like I have talked until I can't breathe, and written so much whiny drivel that I make myself sick.

But the thing is. I don't think I'm any better for it.

Oh, sure. I am "awake" now. I am very aware of the buried feelings I've had. Very aware of the disappointments and hurts and grief that I've experienced. But am I any better? I don't know. It's the line: I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.

I see flaws in me, things I hate. Things I want to change. Flaws in my marriage. Flaws in my friendships. And I wonder if I need to remove my life from underneath the microscope. Because things looked better three months ago.

Wisdom.

I'm seeking it, still. Because I can't seem to turn back now. But I just wonder if it was the smartest thing.

onceandfutureglow onceandfutureglow
31-35, F
11 Responses Mar 10, 2010

Thanks, lovewarrior. This story was written just over a year ago. I'm letting go. I have let go, I guess. Separated from my husband, working on the divorce. It's still scary. More colorful for sure. I feel like I don't have the road map anymore. But I'm learning...and growing still. More so every day. I think I have just begun to be alive. Whatever that means!

The more your gonna learn, not just to be aware of your faults but also actually accept them as they are, the more free you will be. Everything gets clearer and more colorful. <br />
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Your in one of the first steps of your journey and the realization is very important. The next step is to let go. Accept that you are not the strongest but a vulnerable human being and that's ok. You are beautiful as you are with all the flaws and fears. If you run from your fears you are letting them control you. If you feel fear, feel fear. If you are feeling happy, feel happy. <br />
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The more you accept your feelings and sit with them, the more you will be able to feel good feelings as well. Crying and laughing everyday is human and wonderful. When you let go of your fears your consciousness expands and you will see the world in a totally new color, its really beautiful.<br />
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Keep up the good work and all the best!

I know Des. :)<br />
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m101 - <i>The question is, how badly do you want that change, and what are you willing to do to make sure you can migrate from where you are to where you might like to be?</i> That would be the big question here. And the answer that I really need. Can I stand to let go, when there might not be that safety net to catch me. Could I maybe fly? Maybes...

I think many people want change in their lives, in some way or other.<br />
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The question is, how badly do you want that change, and what are you willing to do to make sure you can migrate from where you are to where you might like to be?<br />
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As you say, there may be a lot of nice things to keeping things the same, but they may prevent you from becoming someone different, if not "more".<br />
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Believe me, I know. <br />
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Great story.<br />
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-m101

Well, I am here, anyway. Looking at it. And we can talk about how cool I am (or am not) in a few months when I have moved somewhere. Right now, it's just learning things and trying to settle those knowledges in my head so they don't fall out when I jump.

Yes but the "perfection" of the situation was created to cope. Making things feel comfortable is like someone who is so used to the pain in the joints that it becomes a part of them, the pain just becomes as natural as breathing. And it was also giving you the same kind of empty calm. You couldn't expect less or more. If a leap of faith was easy, then everyone and their goat would be doing it. It would make the actual leap less fantastic, amazing, a real act of courage. <br />
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You are doing this. It sucks while it happens but it's an amazing act of courage you are doing. You are going through the hard things, the hard work, because you know there is more. To which it will taste so sweet when you finally meet those goals. It's nice to have a want, work for it, then get it. Most people don't think it's possible so they settle. Most people deny their flaws and make other people put up with them. I think...you're truly inspiring for taking this path. : )

That's easy. The path less chosen :-)

It's a turning point, that's for sure. I just hope I can figure out the right way to move before I actually have to put my foot out. I supremely suck at leaps of faith.

Sometimes we don't understand at the time but this could be the turning point. You never know. I guess that's why they call them growing pains. :-/

Ok Yoda, whatever you say. (Did you find a way to get paid for this stuff yet?)<br />
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And could I borrow your bullhorn? I seem to have mislaid mine...

What is wise and what is smart are often two completely different things. And what seems smart may not always be wise. Likewise for wisdom. What you focus on is what will grow in your life. Very few things need no cultivation, and most situations-good or bad-will choke and die if you refuse to give them your time. I know self-examination is astoundingly painful. None of us want to believe that we contribute to our own pain. It's easier to claim somebody else caused all of it, and their own, too. I do it all the time. But you can't grow that way. You have to march right into your mind with a bullhorn and tell it what's what. <br />
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I'm here if ya need me, and I'm going to quit being vague and masterific now.