I Can't Stop.....

Self harm is a big part of my life.
I don't want to stop it, but I know I shouln't be this way.

I've cut with a knife for 2 years. But before that I'd punch walls and bang my head when I was angry or frustrated.
Its got progressivley worse since I started. At first it was just a few lines cut with a blunt knife. Then it progressed to having a scar afterwards. Then having to see blood. Now I have to feel sick and lightheaded.

Today was the most amount of cuts I've ever done which have been that depth. I've cut deeper before and I've certainly cut more often but this was the most of both at any one time.
I've told my mum and my friends and they've all tried to help me and for awhile I thought I was fine.
I started University last september and vowed to stop and I did well for about 2 months. I wanted to but I fought the temptation. I was helped by the fact that one of my flatmates also had.

But I have relapses and when I do they get worse. Its like they take a massive run up and then leap and it gets suddenly much worse than it was before.
But thats not why I do it.
I'm not going to blame everything on something external. I want to **** myself up. I want to do this. Today I was smiling afterwards. With blood on my arms, chest and legs I was smiling at what I'd done.
Its like I like having this. I think its all just a cry for attention which makes me hate myself more, which makes me cut more.
I'm sick of hiding, but I'm ashamed and cover them up all the time. I sick of lieing but I don't want to tell anyone for fear of judgement. I don't want to tell my family because I know it'll destroy them. My friends know but I hate them finding out. I just don't want to be like this.
I hate myself, and thats written somewhere else. But thats a huge part of it. I hate that it started and I hate I can't stop.
Whats more after today I'm scared.

It took so long and so much to get even the faintest hint of lightheadedness that I can't help but wonder what happens next time. How long, and how much blood will I spill? Will I make myself faint?

I had to do it before I went out last week. Because I knew I wouldn't be happy if I didn't. In the club I started scratching my arm and slapping the small cuts on my hand. I don't know why either. I've got a razor blade in my wallet because I know I might need to cut and won't have anything to do it with. This is the first time I've ever felt like needing it.
The same day I wanted to cut so hard and deep that I'd need painkillers to hide them. Then I wanted to get drunk on this large amount of painkillers and end up in hospital.

I plan where they go. I get visions of cuts or blood trails and know that I have to complete them. That I'll cut them eventually. The most recent is on my face around my eye. I know that that image won't leave until I've done it. Before that it was a series of cuts across the back of my knuckles I had to do. I told my friend who said I wouldn't but that almost spurred me on to do it.

I'm scared. I don't want to do this but I really want to as well. I plan with precision and randomly cut after than. Its almost like bloodlust. I need to see blood, I need to have scars and now I need to feel sick.
I'm scared and confused. But I know I won't stop. I've had counselling but that didn't help because this has gone beyond repressed anger. I don't cut because I'm angry anymore. I cut because I have to.
AgeonAngel AgeonAngel
Jul 11, 2010