Suicide Attempt: Life Changing

My life of recent has been turned upside down inside out...Two weeks ago i went out with a few freinds and a few drinks and had a really good time sitting on the river thames, talking and having a laugh. Later that night I found myself hacking as hard as i could at my wrists with broken glass in an attempt to end it. I had contemplated suicide before but never actually forcefully tried...I was originally planning on jumping in front of a train but nothing was coming for a few hours...alot of things in my life are on a spur of the moment thing...It seems suicide was set to be another one of these things.

I ended up bleeding out all over the platform and on the site of the blood and the dizzyness called an ambulance...the police turned up with an ambulance on the verge of me passing out. my clothes were covered in blood and they pat me down for sharp objects or drugs, to which i had neither. I practically walked so slow it seemed forever til i got to the ambulance. Once inside they cleaned up some blood and put pressure on the cuts. The weirdest thing i could recall was the police woman...i turned to her and she seemed really concerned, but i was more taken back by her beauty...it was not a police woman like the kind i have ever seen...she was pure beauty, blue eyes piercing into my soul and blonde hair reflecting the flashing blue lights...an angel??? NAAAH

The trip to the hospital was accompanied with the general trying to find out who i am etc where i live...Upon arrival to the A&E i was seen straight away, they cleaned up the wounds and i had avoided any major veins or arteries...thank god

then came a 2 hour wait where i decided to try and sleep on the metal uncomfortable chairs they had for inpatients...eventually an on call psyche came and asked me the usual why did you do it, how do you feel...and seemed shocked that i had gone down the arm and not across...and seemed deeply concerned about that factor...i then saw a different pyschologist who decided to have me put into the psyche unit for assessment...fun times...

He also asked me a million questions such as were you ever bullied to which i replied no...as far as i was concerned i was a god back at school, no one would mess with me and i was in top classes and good at art etc...and i would make people laugh...had a good relationship with my parents and a 3 year relationship which ended mutually.

I spent two days in the assessment centre where they then said i was more of an alcoholic than anything else...even after i explained to them that the voices i hear, the things i see and the times i self harm are predominantly sober...but i felt they had no time for me...another misunderstanding from another Dr who doesnt give a ****...

Ten days later my dad comes home and moans at me for not doing one of the chores...despite me ACTUALLY doing it...i was busy playing call of duty online...he came into my room and started off calmly, as ive told him if he wants me to listen then he needs to talk to me like an adult...so he starts threatening to kick me out or turn off the electric (despite me knowing more about installations than he does) and i sat there calm as a flower...then BANG i snap and fly at him...he practically ***** himself and i am SCREAMING and SHOUTING at the absolute top of my voice calling him A C*NT all the way out of my house...i was walking down the street with a haze over my eyes...hyperventilating heading to my mums place...he speeds past me in his car to which i only assume he's going to try and head me off...at this point i turn around and walk back home...once inside i start breathing really deep starting to go into psychotic mode...this rarely happens to me but last time i did it was BAD...i ended up putting my fist through a window and the site of the blood that came pouring out of my hand made me feel so much more alive...

but off to the hospital i go AGAIN...where they treat me like a piece of ****...deliberately wasting my time cos its self inflicted...

It was after this that i decided to really delve into myself and found the problem of the self harm etc was due to my dad...not physical abuse but emotional abuse...He is completely unaware of what he has done to my head...i cant even accept grattitude...i hate being apologised to or thanked...they do nothing for me...even if i do sumin really bog for someone close to me and they try to thank me they'll normally get a **** off straight after...many freinds now know just to accept things from me and not thank me...but to show their grattitude...if someone shows me they are thankful or sorry then i'll accept it...words mean nothing to me...

The emotional abuse covers the entire spectrum from invalidation to humiliation...it sucks...but realising it made me think to myself...i can either become my father or i can beat him...and i have felt a surge of energy and drive from within which is making me concentrate on me...getting healthy...even if i do that i will be much greater than him...what i can do with my health is anything...ive spent so long destroying myself i dont thinks there is anywhere left to cut or destroy...time to go on up
Bradd337 Bradd337
18-21, M
Jul 12, 2010