Bleed It Out

When I was 11 years old I started to cut myself, when my friends found out they always asked me why, cause they said that they thought it would be painful and my response was pain doesnt hurt when its all you've ever felt. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop, my life is to far gone. My mom abused me in many different ways my dad doesn't recognize me anymore, my life is just falling apart and the only person that understands is my best friend. She went through the same thing but she got help, I didn't. I know I need help but i know that no one will want to help me, well atleast thats the way i feel. When my dad found out instead of comforting me he just yelled at me and said i deserved t be dead, I dont think he meant it to the point where I'd belive that I don't have the right to live cause of some of the drama I've started with this, but I took it that way. And its not his fault he didn't know I would take it that way. But now every day I think if I were to just finally die how much happier would it make my family? And every night i think that they would'nt be happy, that theyd be extatic, to finally know they never have to see me again. The only reason Im still here is for my friend. She understands me and listens to me, I think shes the one person that will ever want to hear my story. But as of a few weeks ago, I dont see myself alive within the next year, I feel like my life is slowly coming to an end, and I'm happy that its almost over. My friend always asks me, "What if after you die, your life is just as bad as it is now because you committed suicide?" And my response is no one will ever no until you die, thats when the secrets come out, after your already gone..

forevergone96 forevergone96
13-15, F
2 Responses Jul 27, 2010

omg i absolutel cryed at that, dont you dare think that way!!!!!!!! no one deserves to dei, no one deserves to be hurt or to be abused, i realy want to talk to you, i think this might be a perfect topic for my gcse courswork, especialy as it is affecting people my age, any chance of help? o=im sure talking to someone will help you please take care of yourself, you do deserve to be alive and loved xxxxx

Hey forevergone hun,<br />
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you're not the only one to feel this way, please take some comfort in the fact that others have been there too. You can come out of this and have a much better life, it is possible there are people who are living proof!<br />
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I think your father probably reacted the way he did because he doesn't understand self harm, very few people who haven't been there truly do... I'm certain he does not actually wish you dead and in all likelihood he probably doesn't even remember making that comment it was probably said out of fear and rage, try not to dwell on it too much. <br />
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You just made a point yourself, your best friend really cares about you, do you know what your suicide would do her, it would very probably devastate her, just because you feel unloved by your family does not mean you are totally unloved. Your departure from your parents life would not make them happy in the slightest, one of the worst things that can happen to a person is to outlive there child. So yes it may be easier for you not to have to deal with things anymore but it makes life a whole hell of a lot tougher for those you have left behind.<br />
You said that your friend is the only one who cares and wants to hear your story well, thats not true because I want to hear it and clearly so do the other 34 people who have already viewed your post. <br />
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Sorry hun, I don't mean to lecture you, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL AND SPECIAL, I truly mean that, always have hope, you never know whats around the corner... Xxx