some people say they don't why they do it, but i think deep down every one of us really know some reason why we do it.

release anger held inside

think of other pain

adreneline rush




like pain

like blood

like wounds

like struggles

there are so many reasons and im sure there are more than i just listed. but even if we like those things why do 80% who do it dont want to do it?

what gives us the lack of self control to not hurt ourselves?

our pasts

our present

our battles

our family




or just our way of thinking and our chemical imbalances ...

if we stay together

share our lives

everything that i just mentioned maybe we can figure out what millions are trying to figure out- what drives us over the edge. together i think we could make a difference and really learn to connect with each other.



add me as a friend and we can start our own discussions and white board stuff.


i love you all

hayleymeike hayleymeike
18-21, F
17 Responses Apr 7, 2007

<br />
I remember myself as a quite boy,very shy and I prefered always sitting alone or with 1-2 friends usually girls,I trusted.At highschool I still was quite,shy,had no girlfriend but my closest friend were always girls.Then I thought I prefered girls company because I was not interested in football or whatever teenage boys do to have fun.Now I know why,because I still prefer womens company.I had never a close relationship with my mother,I can't even remember her face till I got to highschool,because she was working all day long.The only thing I can remember is that she was always shouting and angry,because she was tired and stressed because of her job.I never felt love and tender words as a child.And when she was able to give me,what a mother gives to her child it was too late.I was raised by my sister and neibourghs,and I couldn't as a teenager pay respect or hear advices from a woman I never felt as a mother.The same with my dad,but as phsycologist say,boys need to feel the love of the mother as little childs.So I found this love in close friendships with girls as a small boy,but when starting to growing things got more complicated with the relationship with girls.And still now I can't have a "normal" for many people relationship with a woman.I have no problems with having sex but I still treat my girlfriends more as simple friends.I love them but not as a woman want's to be loved,so they usually are getting bored and looking for a new "adventure".Thats why I found love in the eyes of a girl with borderline personality disorder,it was comfortable for both.She didn't like to be treated as most girls.she is very shy,she prefered to have a boyfriend that reminds more a friend or a brother.Altough shy,she "cheated" a lot,but it didn't disturb me as long she was and is in real love with me.What have all these things to do with my opioid addiction?Before I met her,I couldn't believe that I will find a woman to share my love.I was always alone,drinking,depressed,human relationships seemed meaningless to me...only one-night stands or at best cases a 1 or 2 months relationship.My life became meaningless,I am not religious so I couldn't find anything "real" to believe into.Self harming was the only way to feel something 'REAL',to FEEL I AM ALIVE.One day,I tried heroin and I still remember the feeling cause for years I felt so empty.Suddenly,I was full of "dreams",feeling hot,lonelyness disappeard together with all desires to communicate with others.My depression was "flying"away every time I took this stuff,my body was relaxed because I felt mostly tired because of sleep-problems that usually are symptoms of deep depression.I had found my fake paradise.The little became day by day,more and more.And finally i was using opioids only to do what is normal for most people,I was dope-sick.Although I tried to stop the use and stay clean a lot of times,I passed a lot of weeks in hell trough withdrawals.I always started using heroin again.It was something deeper inside me that made me lock myself into a jail builded by my own hands.It was this endless feeling of emptyness and nothing really meant a thing to me.The reason was i was feeling a hopeless case,with or without heroin.So lonely and isolated in space and time.Could't find a reason good enough to keep me away of this addiction.Till the day I met this girl.She was sitting alone,with a sad look in her eyes and the way she was sitting reminded me of the way I was feeling.It was like looking in a mirror.She is very beautyfull,a lot of men tried to get close to her.But it was like there was an invisible wall,that kept everyone in distance although she was neither unkind or acting in a rude way.I wanted just to give her a hug and tell her "hello,soulmate.I know what is going on inside you,I can feel your sadness and lonelyness...please help me,free me,protect me from myself".I decided to talk to her,but as I said Hi I started crying like a little child.I felt so embaressed I quickly went away.And that was the begining of a miracle,she came outside the pub,sat next to me without saying a word.and after some minutes,that seemed to me like years she just asked,"why are you crying?"But I had the feeling she already knew,like a ritorical question,the questions you never need to answer.And this was the start of the end,the end of my addiction.And the begining of something that I call REAL LOVE.The girl with B.P.D. learned me how it was to feel again,to care about somebody,to feel happiness for giving without asking for reward.We both found,what we were seeking a whole life.TO LOVE AND TO BE LOVED.This is what keeps us still together,I'm still depressed she is also having problems with the disorder,some wounds never heal...but life has a meaning and every moment is blessed,because I know that I will see her shiny eyes.She is not my new drug,she is the meaning of life...trough her complicated behaviour,we have found the value of simple thing in life.These small,little things we forget as we are growing older and loose our innocence and feelings.Persons with borderline personality disorder,are heaven send..cause all they need is love,as drug addicts do,as all do.

I agree with what she said. Its so true.

At first i didn't know why i did it, but i like the pain, it gives me a sense of control, cause i have a unstable family hurting myself helps me feel in control

I thought I was self injuring because my grandmother has terminal cancer, but then I realised it was more to do with the fact that inside I have been insanely unhappy with many different issues that i painfully cover it at college, so no one would know what's really going on, and not many do... I have 2 other friends who have/do self harm and they have been as supportive as they can but, I dont think I can stop. I hate the scars and cuts and have to wear a short sleeved top for work so started cutting across my hip and leg instead. I don't what to do it but it's an addiction I can't stop.

I did it because I was alone.... I still am alone, I feel so alone all the time and when I try to open up and try to ask for someone to just listen to me and to let them know how I'm feeling they don't ever listen so that makes me feel even more alone and that's when I'd cut cause it would stop the feeling off loneliness for a while but after it'd heal and left a scar I'd feel like **** and now I have to hide my arms from people, and I really hate knowing that because of stupid mistakes these scars a gonna last forever, and my mum wants to go on holiday next year and she has no idea about the scars and I have no idea what I'm gonna do or say......

I do it usually out of anger, whether it's directed at myself or something else.I do it to keep myself from destroying things that i'd regret breaking later. I feel like it's out of my control, but i find that i'm both proud and ashamed when i have noticeable wounds (usually just bruises). That conflict of emotions is what makes it so tough to stop. It helps me somehow, but i know it worries people who notice....

when I look at it through these ways. I can think of a few reasons why I do it.<br />
I love the look of blood coming from cuts. but only my own.<br />
And I do it to relieve stress and feel better.<br />
I'm not even really ashamed that I do it. I just dont want attention drawn to me because of it.<br />
My friends try to convince me to stop. but I cant seem to convince myself.<br />
I like it to much. o.o

I used to, i suffered badly from stress while doing my GCSE's and started hearing voices telling me to and doing it always felt so much better. <br />
<br />
I was quite lucky that my friends were there to support me through this and I've stopped.<br />
<br />
For ages I was really ashamed of the scars and covered them, but now they've faded.

I used to, i suffered badly from stress while doing my GCSE's and started hearing voices telling me to and doing it always felt so much better. <br />
<br />
I was quite lucky that my friends were there to support me through this and I've stopped.<br />
<br />
For ages I was really ashamed of the scars and covered them, but now they've faded.

i hate it i cant stop myself and its driving me mad. all it takes is one little thing and it stays in my head till i do it i dont know why i dont enjot it it doesnt make me feel better and i hate the scars. might be in the minority here but its just a compulsion like even numbers or something for me it makes my head stop thinking about it.

I have no idea why i do it... i dont enjoy the pain, i do do it when im confused, angry or sad, but im not ashamed of my scars though i do hide them of course, i just have no idea what to do with myself, i feel like im just not worthy enough you know??

...i guess i never thought about it around that angle. but i think i've done that before too.<br />
<br />
where you are so ashamed of what you did you just feel stupid and its a way of saying not to do it again.

Sometimes i do it to punish myself

yeah its totally like that with me, its like your drunk when you do it then when you soba up its like sh*t how am i going to hide this xx

like missy said it and i said it before i hate the scars<br />
they suck<br />
i dont want to be known as a cutter or emo or whatever but then why would i be willing to do it<br />
its hazy when i do it, but when it clears up i feel like **** for doing it

i do know why i do it, sometimes i dont want to quit or get help for it cuz really its all i have. if i didnt cut i feel like i would do worst things to myself

yep i think we could figure it all out, i self-harm and im not sure why, but i do like the adrenaline just not the pain and i hate the scars, as i have to hide them from others<br />
<br />