Why I Self Harm

There are a lot of reasons why I find the need to cut myself. Sometimes when I get in a fight with my parents ( verbal and or physical)  is a time when I feel like I should cut. Or when I get into a fight with my boyfriend. Or when I feel I'm all alone and no one can help me or reach out to me. It's these emotionally high, stressful moments where I feel I NEED to cut because the feelings I get won't go away otherwise. I've started ever since middle school, at first I would just do it absent-mindingly, maybe once or twice, it had no meaning to me then. But when things started getting worse in my life and I found a meaning to it, I found a reason to cut. And it helped, it really truely helped, the physical pain took my mind off the emotional pain that I was feeling. In a way one could say it was a distraction, an escape from the emotions that I would box inside of me. I box in my emotions because I feel no one can and or ever will truely understand me, at times I don't even get myself, It does seem like an addiction because no matter how long I can go without cutting, I always bring myself back to it. The longest I've gone so far without cutting has been a year and I just recently fell off that band wagon just the other day when I found out something upsetting about my boyfriend. It's like I go into some kind of mode, I can't resist the compulsion I feel to cut. I usually always get that compulsion, but only really emotionally stressful situations can actually bring me to cut. Most of the times I just bottle it up, maybe listen to some music and try to forget, but when something REALLY gets to me, then there is no more ignoring it. Each day it gets harder and harder for me to open up to people, to let them see the real me. Sometimes I think it is better to keep my problems to myself because I don't like to burden people with them, I don't want them to worry. I've always felt that sort of detachment towards people, like I'm not one of them, like I will never be happy like them. Truely happy. Not the fake happiness I put up for my friends or my boyfriend just so they won't worry about me. And this is why I result to cutting. Cutting helps me forget, it takes away the pain I bottle up over time or when I get in an emotional situation. It's the relief I feel once I start to cut, like with every cut more and more pain is released from my body, more and more pain is let go. I know how crazy that sounds and think what you will but don't judge me because I cut. Cutting is my escape, my only relief. I know I can try to quit, but I doubt I can ever truely stop. This is me and this way of living defines who I am already.
Xxplicit49 Xxplicit49
18-21, F
2 Responses May 13, 2012

Listen to the song Cut by: Plumb...I used to self harm and to be honest it's something I think about all of the time. I know God makes a way and loves all of us equal and He has a plan for my life as well as yours! Don't give up! I believe in you. You can quit also. The withdrawls will always be there and in the back of your mind you will always want to do it, but you will feel alot better about yourself if you put down the weapon and start praying to God...even if you don't believe in Him. Do something to get your mind off of it. The bible says God loves you, Jesus loves you! It says it in John 3:16 :)

I listened to the song you mentioned and it touched me how true the lyrics were. Even right now as I'm writing this I can still feel that emptiness inside. Just something I have to get used to I guess. I think it's been a month or so since I've tried to stop cutting. I haven't cut at all yet, but I still get those feelings and urges. I just feel an emptiness all the time now, a sinking feeling. And I cry a lot, practically everyday or every other day. It's depression and I know it. But still, thank you for your kindness, it helps having people listen and be there. It takes away from a lot of what I feel and I'm so thankful to have kind people like you out there.

God be with you. Everything happens for a reason my dear, and you will get through this, and you will know much more than you did before. God loves you.

Thank you for your kind words, it really does mean a lot knowing that someone is out there.