Pain Pain Pain

i have bn through alot in my life, i have bn sexully and emotinallly abused sveral times, most of the sexual abuse (rape) was from the same guy, a guy who was supposed to be my friend. wen i was about 5 i used to play mums and dads, with a boy from my street and his sisters (this is the guy who sexualy abused me) me nd him were always the mum and dad whilst his sisters were our children we wud go into my brothers bedroom whilst they played and he wud make me do sexual activity with him, he even made me suck his **** and till this day i still cringe at the thought of doing it to my bf, i tried to go to the pretend kitchen and do wat i thought a real mum does. i dont know how long this kind of thing went on for tbh. i knew it was wrong and i knew i didnt like it but i didnt know why or what i was even doing really. one time me and him shared a tent whilst his sisters shared a seperate 1 seperated by two wheellie bins (in broad day light) he wanted me to have sex wiv him but i was scared and confused about alot of things and didnt want to, so i walked out and we didnt speak until about 10 yars later. in between these 10 years i gradually began to believe that my memeories of what happened were just very vivid bad dreams or imagination, it wasnt unil i saw him again and he raped me up the bum and tried to make me suck his **** again that i realized it wasnt a bad dream or wierd imagination,it was real. it was real. it was real more than once, last year wen he raped me for the first time after 10 years it felt like deja vu and i was scared, nd confusedall over again. i didnt scream or even cry until i got home, nd then i cried my eyes out as i let it happen again, only this time i knew wat was happening and strong enough to prevent but i couldnt because i felt vulnerable, deffencless, and powerles against the freak that wanted to break his virginity so much he wud rape me and cheat on his girlfriend, why me? why not her? why didnt he want to lose his virginity to her? i decided that he obviously respected her opinions and morals more than mine. not only did he rape me but he also physically abused his sister, nd hated his mother and step father until the truth came out wen he needed them most. understandably they believed his lies. like i sed he was not the only guy to sexually abuse me. my 20 something year old cousin played with my vagina apparently more than once wen i was too young and vulnerable to understand or stop wat he was doing. although he did stop wen i was old enough to understand and stop it. i tried to kill my self in year 8 for no reason other than i got dumped- he dumped me for no reason. anyway back to the sexual abuse, i was also taken advantage of by my eldest brother's friend who had sex wiv me normally nd up the bum- he had sex wiv me up the bum in a place where any1 cud see. now i know all of this may seem abit wierd and maybe even unbelievable but its true and its up to you wether u believe it or not, im naive, and stupid, i went out wiv a 24 year old last year. i was just turned 14 at the start. he used me i found out through other people, he sold drugs to kids at my school, he still does, and the sad part is that i wud have smoked them wiv him if he asked because i was so deep inlove wiv him, he treated me right, unlike the guys mentioned above, he made me feel special, nd i wanted him so bad, i wud have don anything. all these things happening caused me to suffer wiv serious depression, which then turned into self harm and bipolar dissorder 2 which i currently still suffer from including self harm, all of which i am trying to overcome. but its hard and has bn hard, so hard for me, bcause i am not an emotionally strong person although i am a very strong physical person, no one understands and i am struggling wiv my identity and who i am or shud be, nothing seems or feels right anymore. i was bullied by boys. alot of people dislike me and i dont know y. alot of the time as a result of this i dislike me and myappearance, i almost turned bullimic and anorexc (differnt times). im not even sure wether im straight or bisexual tbh, everything is so confusing. i have done many sexual things with girls, nd the only thing i have done wiv a guy is make out. i want to take the next step with my boyfirend and so does he, but not sure wen. he doesnt know about my self harm and i am afraid that if i tell him i suffer from bi polar dissorder and self harm he will leave me becasue he has already told his opionion of self ahmers (he thinks they are wierd and crazy) but i love him so much that i want to tell him, i also want to tell him about me not being sure if im bisexual or not but that will definatley ruin things because we had an argument about the fact that he hates gay people and i dont. this is my depressing story, there is more. but its soo long and complicated nd  i wud bore u.
treekisser treekisser
13-15, F
1 Response May 17, 2012

thanx hun, that has helped,i will try stay strong, and i will try meditation see if it helps:)