"if You Find A Path With No Obstacles, It Probably Doesn't Lead Anywhere"

I’m sitting here, thinking about the past, I have been for days, I always am really. This time though, its a mixture of the past, relationships, family, the scars on my body and the one that hurts the most. Just thinking about ******* crap.

I have been trying to be proactive in my own healing process, maybe more proactive than I ever have been though always wanted to figure out how to be. Baby steps seems to be the key.

It is getting close to a year ago that I posted my first story online about self injury. On ep actually and before that it was like such a massive deal to me. Letting people know its something I do, or what i’ve done- something I don’t even like to think about, but creeps up often enough that I can’t forget.

At first, I think I was so unaware of how much that really bothered me- I didn’t think it was a big deal and something I needed to even think about, and I was happy feeling that way about it. It wasn’t until I did it again, not intentionally like when I was younger but when I was feeling very very stressed. A lot was on my plate and I resorted to the most comforting thing I knew, something that helped to take away all the crazy feelings I was having in that moment.

It wasn’t until then, that I really thought about it afterwards, how i’m still ******* effected by it. Like honesty just annoys me- though it hurts to, but I like to hide that most of the time I realize, even from myself. When I realized anyway, I was kinda like, ok, I want to figure out how to deal with this, i’m gonna reach out again to someone in this world.

I posted a story in the past talking about how I had seen a psychiatrist, probably 2 years ago or more now, and I wanted to talk about self injury but I never did. I was just gonna ease into it, I remember thinking, not something I needed to mention right away. I didn’t want to, and I felt like I had a lot of other **** I could mention first.

Thinking about that, and how I completely avoided the topic, again confirmed to me that this is something I needed to deal with. Its harder for me than anything, it hurts maybe the most. I didn’t recognize that before, but I am starting to feel that my desire to physically hurt myself, what I have done to myself, it needs to be resolved.

Not just that though- even my desire to avoid people, to avoid seeking help, that to me was something I felt was a goal, something to overcome, since I started to see that is a problem. This feeling I had to do this alone, like a shame about what I do, even a small feeling like what I do isn’t a big deal, or is something I should be able to control on my own. I recognize that now as a problem, cuz really I am not sure I could do it completely alone, completely stuck in my own head.

I didn’t seek out another psychiatrist, but writing on ep helped, because I started talking about it more with a close friend. I even participated in a research study and had a 1 hour session talking with a women on skype about my past. That helped a lot! Now I don’t feel as ashamed about talking about it, about expressing how I feel. I think I have that right just as much as anyone! (Another feeling and restriction I place on myself that when I really think about it I shouldn’t!)

I can hate the world, and figure out how to deal with those angry emotions, but its harder when I hate to be sober and alone with myself, when I have so much negativity surrounding how I really feel about myself. Its one thing to face the world, but to be your own worst enemy, that is difficult. Greatly more difficult, and I think pointless ultimately, than it would be to fight the world while you are madly and deeply in love with yourself.

What I can’t understand, even sometimes now, is that I do have self love. I love myself- maybe not so much when I was younger, there was always something I would change about myself, but now. I feel good most of the time- accepted I don’t need to look like or be barbie, or anything but me. I am trying to like me- always trying to focus on my good qualities, trying to remind myself I need to give myself a break.

It is easier said than done- there are things that are out of my awareness. I could still change a lot, but some things feel so natural to be so negative, I don’t even think to question. Now I try to question myself more, why I feel the way I do. I try especially in the moment, when i’m telling myself I need to do something, why do I need to do it, or be it.

I expect perfection from myself even more than I do from others. When I do something I feel is wrong, I feel stupid. When other people blame me for things that are out of my control, I let it get to me, I blame myself. Why though? why, instead of telling people they are stupid, do I let their unrealistic expectations of me dictate how I feel about myself, even if it is just in a moment of anger.

There are a lot of things I didn’t understand about myself before, but I know it is important to if I ever want to feel good, and stop hurting myself. Even talking so much and thinking so much about it, I feel a small desire to do it. Its weird. Like a drug- a drug i’ve told myself I can’t have, the cost really is to high.

Since i’ve started to allow myself to think about it more, posting the story on ep, I even have googled it a few times, talked more about it. That has become easier- its been an easing myself in process though, to talking and even thinking about it. To much and I melt down, in tears, pain, not from hurting myself in that moment, but from the pain of old torture.

I want to talk more about it though, I want to be less sensitive to it, I want to understand it more, how to help it. When I read other peoples stories, I feel a lot of pain, because I remember being in that moment, I know how much it hurts in so many different ways.

Not just that but I have learnt a lot about it- how it is used by people for so many different reasons- how hard it is for so many people to stop. Things I would have never thought about before, what it could mean about myself.

It is hard for me to read about other people’s pain. Its mostly hard because I want to hug and love every person who has been through such harsh trials of life, regardless of if it is self injury or other ****** things, I want us all to be able to hug each other and most of all ourselves and the person that we were in the most dark moments we remember.

It has been close to 6 months since the last time I hurt myself. It wasn’t I guess necessarily bad when I did it- since hurting my arm in high school, cutting myself has been more difficult. I still want to do it, but i’ve picked up hitting myself, leaving to many bruises.

Besides being a problem that i’ve wanted to solve because I realize its necessary if I ever want to have some sort of stable mental health, my body demands it. It was 7 months ago I bruised my leg- but still, weirdly, it feels bruised. I can feel a slight throb as I sit here. My arm, which I hurt very badly in a fit of rage when I was 17, and i’m now 25, hurts almost everyday but more so when I think about it, when I think about self injury at all.

I feel like there are so many things in life that we are missing in society- acceptance is largely one of them, but compassion. Trust, love, caring and understanding. People are so guarded, so willing to judge to avoid judgment, so wanting to feel right and ok in everyone else’s eyes while avoiding their own gaze. Its tiring for those of us who just want to exist how we are, and feel ok with not being perfect, with not trying to be, with not having expectation of anyone but especially ourselves.

Its tiring and its painful for those of us who sit on the sidelines of the power and control war, just asking to be simply loved. Asking if we could just feel some sort of sanity in this ******* insane totally ****** up world. To just feel ok existing, for someone to care about that. Even for it to just be ok to want someone to care. **** someone to just acknowledge this world is messed up.

Now in life, my goal is to focus on myself, but not forget about my problem. Not let myself brush it aside- filling my head with information to understand, to help myself. I’ve reached a point now where it takes a little bit to bring back the pain. I’ve reached a point that the pain is that of remembering, and for that i’m grateful, but I know that still hurts. Sometimes scares me to wonder if I can really control when it goes back to experiencing.

I know that there are many people in this world who aren’t at that point, who are still experiencing, regularly using self injury as a way to deal with our ****** up world. I hope everyone who deals with it, can figure out how to help themselves stop, but at the very least have that goal. That is probably the most important thing.

Its my goal to resolve the things that hurt, because I deserve it just as much as any other person in this world.
deleted deleted
4 Responses May 18, 2012

today i am going to enjoy yours sweet photos,

Tanisha, dear.,try to be happy ,keep hopes ,sure soon you are getting a good nature soul mate.<br />
Understand yours feeling.Any way you are a good writer, can express yours thoughts in a good way.

you so sweet

well written. i respect ur thoughts and ideas and i admire u for all you have been through <3