Just Another Ghost Story.

Not sure if I should actually share my story. Guess trying never hurts, right?

Here's my story, this is what brought me to find salvation in the blade.

As long as I can remember, I've been stressed. Even as a little punk who couldn't sit still in kindergarten. I was always alone, always having to deal with hardships on my own. From that little punk I used to be, till now. There hasn't ever been a single person to stand besides me and tell me that things will be OK. Not a single soul. That feeling of being alone, feeling worthless, bottling everything up deep inside for many years... it just gets to you at a certain point.

Ever since I was 8 I developed the "nailbiting" habbit and when I didn't have nails left to bite I'd bite the skin off of my fingertips to the point where it bleeds. I did it then, and I still do it. When I was 14 I started playing with sharp objects in my hands, getting accidental cuts as I'd spin my scissors around and such. When I was 16, I'd sit underneath the shower and I'd slowly turn off the cold water. And when I turned 20 I actually started to cut. Till this very day, I still do it. My situation just hasn't change and it won't change any time soon. I keep trying to make a change, to find other ways. But the more time I spend getting out of this mess, the deeper I get in.

I don't have any friends, I never had. I've always been alone so I can't turn to someone else for comfort. I am in a long-distance relationship, but that's falling apart rapidly. I still live with my parents, because I got screwed over by some coorperation so I have to stand in the back of the line with getting my own home again. And parents, great. Mom is nice and all, but she's extremely manipulative. And dad? He wouldn't care if I stopped at all. All he does is boss me around, telling me how useless I am, telling me he can't wait till I'm gone..so yeah, fun. I don't go to school or collage, I work. But that ain't better either. Same crap I get everywhere. Bullied and called useless. I get blamed for everything, even when it's obvious it wasn't me or even couldn't have been me.

Because of it all, I spend most of my time in my room. My only "safe" haven. I sit behind my computer and either listen to music, browse the web or play games. This routine has been going on for so long that it feels like I'm a ghost or something. I'm there, but no one sees me. If dissapeared, no one would miss me. Or care.

When I put that blade on my skin and watched the blood flow, I felt happy. The physical pain was nothing compared to what I felt deep down inside. It makes me feel good, it makes me feel alive. I don't like the idea, but it's the best I've got now. That blade is my only friend.

I've been able to restrict the cutting to just my lower right arm. I can't count the cuts because it's just too messy. I don't hide it either. When the weather is hot, I'd wear a T-shirt. No bracelets or wristbands, nothing. And still, no one has bothered asking me what the hell I'm doing.

That's a quick summary I guess. If you want to know more, just ask. I'm not hiding anything.
Synthrax Synthrax
22-25, M
3 Responses Aug 24, 2012

Hi there<br />
<br />
I've had my fair share of depression and attempts at taking my own life. I've been on meds as well but have been off for more than a year. I know what its like to just want some release but I also know that its a slippery slope down to a bottomless pit. BUT there is always hope. You are a gentle soul and care so much about what people say/think about you. You need to start fighting for you. You need to start looking after you and defending yourself. <br />
<br />
Find a hobby or something you like and take it up. Exercise such as walking or running is free but will give you a lot of release and improve your mood. I also found that art also gives a lot of release. I'm no picasso but a few drawings using step by step guides can help. Something else that's helpful is helping people who are less fortunate than you. Sometimes it brings a fresh perspective to your life . You don't have to give money. You could volunteer your time - say at a soup kitchen or with habitat for humanity<br />
<br />
I don't know what support network you have but you could reaching out to someone or get counselling.<br />
<br />
As long as you are alive you have to fight for yourself. Any small change will help. As you get more and more positive friends will come naturally.


I get where you're going with this, and I understand it completely. But my main issue IS other people. I've been carrying the weight of the world for pretty much anyone I run into. If I see someone struggle, I'll help them. But the moment I need help, they're gone. All my life I've put the needs of others infront of mine and now I can't think of myself anymore at all.

As for a hobby, I've been trying. But I lack severe motivational issues. I just never feel like doing anything. I'd need someone to do such an activity with so that I won't back out of it for them. But I don't have anyone at all to do anything with.

Thank you for your advice and kind words. And thank you for taking the time to read my story.

I hear you. Life sure can get tough. One of the things I told myself was "anything is better than living in hell." The first step is the heaviest but you have to take it. What do you find appealing? What would excite you enough to make you forget the world? You are in that space where you will have to summon the energy to get yourself up before you can reach out for help. You have to try. You don't need people. You need you fighting for yourself and fighting the inner turmoil. If you can start you will find that it will get easier.

i want to help you, <br />
all these people who have read your story care,<br />
i care,<br />
when you get into a situation like this just think the more you do it, the more cuts you will have to remind yourself of the thoughts and feelings of when you did it. Therefore it will just keep happening and you'll be stuck in a vicious circle. <br />
I understand what your going through and i'll admit yeah it does feel in a way 'nice' at the time but just think about getting through it by crying-that's my way now, crying till i fall asleep.<br />
I dont know if this will help but i hope so xxx

Hey, thank you for your support.
I understand how your technique works, I used to be able to do it myself. I just can't seem to let it out anymore, no matter how hard I try. I get this burning feeling behind my eyes, but nothing happens afterwards. I cannot cry anymore.
Still, thank you for trying to help.

i feel the same but don't think Ur alone....there's lots of people out there 2 support u!