I Dont Know Why I Started

i first hurt myself on purpose when i was 11. i just picked a hole in my arm with a pin. the next time i used glass. i managed to convince my mom a cat scratched me. then i scratched a 'j' into my hand and it was discovered when i was injured in a supermarket. again i said it was a cat and mom didnt say anything. i didnt do it for a while again, until i randomly cut the side of my wrist with a razor. i told my mom it just happened and she said it looked like a razor cut but i wasnt having any of it. later on i cut my neck with a razor. not as a suicide attempt, just a little thing. i think i just wanted people to talk to me. call it attention seeking if you want. in fact no, thats what it was. its time i accepted that.

later on dad left us (me mom and my sis). later we found out hed had an affair. mom read some of his messages on his phone. she filed for divorce. we saw him regularly but i didnt want to. i was mad at him. he once told me it was partly my fault which didnt help. i started cutting myself again but with a razor, on my shoulders. at first i told a teacher, i wanted someone to see how unhappy i was, but it didnt help and i carried on. then it moved to my hand, and i cut my wrist with a drawing pin. i told other teachers and they told me i had to tell my mom or they were going to. even after i told her i still did it. once i used glass i found on the floor to cut my leg, and once stuck it in my hand.

one thing i remember is that when some people in my class found out they egged me on to do it in a lesson in which we had a cover teacher. one guy handed my a sharpener blade and i did it. a 3 cm long line on my hand. it wanst seriously deep but it was deeper than id cut before. i panicked and hid in the toilets and a friend came to help me. i was excluded that day. not for hurting myself, but for bringing alcohol into school. the whole thing was described as a cry for help. i saw the school counsellor, and a counsellor out of school, but the school counseller got sick and i stopped trusting the other one. i still hurt myself, shoving my arms into hawthorn hedges and scratching them on walls and trees. and id give myself nosebleeds to get out of my english lesson. near the end of my time at that school i started to bite my knuckles and cut one once. in the summer holiday i dont think i did it as much.

for some reason, i stopped loving my mom and my sis and i went to live with our dad. at that time, id scratched at a particular area of my face on the wall and using a stone. i told him i fell over.

in year 10 i went to an amazing school. it was difficult at first. in an art lesson i was upset and sat on the floor in another room to calm down. the teacher told me to mind the glass and when she went i tried to move it by poking it. i honestly didnt know it would be that sharp and it cut me. when the teacher came back she saw it, put a paper towel on it and she and the head of art took me to my year director. she took me to The Vicarage. this was where learning support was, and was where some classes for special educational needs were. i was taken in the office and the secretary (******) was the only one there. i remember asking her if i could sit on the floor. and she said yes, so i did. the only other things i remember was me asking who she was and what she had a massive whiteboard for (i was fascinated by it at the time). i became very attatched to her and The Vicarage. if i had a lesson i didnt want to go to id go and sit in the corridor until she came to let me sit in the office. once she had a puzzle book and i spent the lesson doing those.

i continued to bite my knuckles. 'friends' of mine kept saying i was schizophrenic. i talked to ****** about this and she said i wanst. i think it was then i showed her my knuckles. i remember when i told her id stop. i swear she looked like she was gonna cry. i was on a report card ad i always liked showig it to her at the end of the day cos if id had a good report she was really proud of me. i remember when i found out she smoked, and i promised her id stop giving myself nosebleeds and biting my nails and everything if shed quit smoking. i tried a lot of stuff to get her to quit. she still hasnt. i still cry about it.

its been a while since then. i started smoking myself (ironic) in november, quit for a week, started again, until 2 weeks ago. i cut myself again 3 weeks ago with wire. i confided in a teacher who made me realise i dont need to do it. i told ****** and she said she wasnt impressed and made me realise it was pointless as it didnt achieve anything and didnt make anything better. i have been told i have made a lot of progress since when they first met me. the sitting in the office during lessons didnt last long, nor did it at lunchtimes and breaktimes. instead of hurting myself i talk. i wash their dishes every day (strange as it may seem) and i help ****** every morning by removing dirty mugs and fetching the water in a jug and getting clean mugs. i make tea for the staff when they ask and if they dont ask i offer. i chat to ****** throughout the day and with another member of staff. i thank them for being there for me and for never being afraid to tell me the bottom line and the truth. i no longer sit and cry on the floor. i have no desire to hurt myself. i have overwhelming urges to smoke which makes it hard to walk into school past all the smokers. but i quit it all for them and i am sticking at it. i dont need to do it. i talk instead.

t4ngl3dup1nblu3 t4ngl3dup1nblu3
18-21, F
2 Responses Feb 26, 2009

im very aroused

thanks for sharing