Who I Am

I started self harming when I was about 14. I remember so clearly the day that I first started and what I was thinking. I remember sitting on my bed thinking about cutting, and I was thinking, "How could this help? Why do people even do this?". I was stupid enough to try it just to see if it would help to make me feel better. The first time, it was horrible to be honest, I felt so stupid and my arm was stinging, I was sensitive to pain and I'd only cut myself with scissors and it still stung like heck. The next time was I was so down that I didn't care the pain anymore, I needed to pain to punish myself. Soon it went from cutting with scissor, to a craft knife, then to razor blades. It was longer just on my wrist but on my upper arms, belly and legs. It was like I was addicted, I needed the blood and the pain. As time went on, I was cutting to stop me form killing myself, because it was that or suicide, I wouldn't be here if I didn't cut. I tried to distract myself, try other things, but honestly, I just couldn't do it, cutting was the only thing that made a difference, at least for a while. Over time it got worse and deeper. I was cutting over every little thing because they seemed so big to me and I just couldn't handle them. At the moment, I still cut, but not as often, but I need to cut deep for it to have any effect. I am ashamed of what I have done what I'm doing, but it has saved me. Some people don't understand at all, but I understand myself better than any of them do, it's my body, and my responsibility. If I had the chance to start over, it would have still turned out the same way because it's what has made me who I am and if I changed that, then I wouldn't be me in a sense. It was my choice and it always will be...

hurtandpain hurtandpain
18-21, F
4 Responses Feb 19, 2010

Hey Harmony, I'm learning to stop self harm at the moment, can I ask you one thing? Do you want to stop?

Dear Hurt and Pain<br />
Hi, im 14 and i have problems with self harm<br />
i first cut myself when i was 13<br />
Its just got worse and worse...<br />
Now i cant find any reason to live, any reason not to kill myself<br />
And theres no one i can tell<br />
:-(<br />
Thanks for sharing<br />

I'm sure you would understand, at least to a degree. Believe me, I have tried exercise, tried to do something, but it just doesn't do anything for me

I thing i understand cause i cut too and have to cut deep when i do but dont do it often.i hope u dont cut something u need.try execersizing,work up a good sweat,it what i do sometimes and most of the time it helps