If You Need Guidance:

I first cut my arm when i was 12. I'd seen a few weeks before that my best friend had 3 cuts up her arm, and i asked her what they were and she mumbled something about being unhappy and pulled down her sleeve. I didn't really think much of it, and to be honest, thought it was a bit of an attention thing. But at the time i was going through a really rough patch, slipping away from my parents, not eating, or binge eating and then purging. So then one day, when i was feeling really bad, i took a pair of scissors and used the sharp edge to make several cuts on the side of my wrist. And that's when it started. From there my life just spiralled out of my hands, i was cutting all of my arm, and would always have fresh cuts or long bright white scars. I wore long sleeved tops and jumpers, even though it was summer and i was boiling. Then one of my closest friends saw, and instantly shouted at me, and told me i was stupid and i was hurt and scared and just cried, and broke down right there. She held me close, whispering in my ear that i wasnt really stupid, but that i needed to get help. I knew she was right, by this point i was under 6 stone, almost 5 stone, and i am wide built and tall, and i knew it wasnt normal, and my left arm had been completely massacared to be honest. But i still denyed having a problem. Still telling myself i was normal, and everyone else was wrong, but inside, i think i must of known.

Then my friend literally forced me to see the counsiller at school, and i did. Each week, i would miss half an hour of lesson to talk to her, and it did help.

I still used lighters to burn myself, still used penknives to score my arm, still had bad eating habits, i was still smoking, but things did seem to take a turn then. I was slowly recovering, hurting my self less and less.

Then i got a boyfriend and we got on really well, and he helped me to stop smoking, and i did. He didnt know about my eating or my self harm problems. It was after about 2 months, when i rang him and told him i wanted to break up  with him. I do think he was pretty upset about it, and then started being awful to me, it was just words, but damn, they hurt. It started all over again, severally cutting myself, smoking, and eating whatever i could find and then making myself sick. It started to go downhill again. I also stopped going to see my counsiller. My two friends tried to help me but i was pretty out of control at that point and my life consisted of dreading each day, and there were times i just wanted to stop it all. End it all right there. To be honest, i dont think i could ever end my life, but there were points when i was close.

But then i went to see my counsiller again after 6 months or so. And that was when i decided i just couldnt do this anymore and needed to change. And i did! Obviously there was still alot of times i cut myself, but my eating was more in control and i reached a healthier weight of just under 7 stone. I still smoked, because i was addicted, and it was my stress releiver, and i had decided it was better than cutting.

Now, i'm 14, im in a really good relationship with a guy who truly cares about me, im also quite close to my mum again, i do not smoke, i eat well, and i cant say i dont cut, becuase there of course is the odd occasion when life really does bring you down, but i am happy.

And i want to say to anyone who is thinking of starting self harm, DON'T. it does not help anything, it only brings more pain into your life.

And to those who do self harm, talk to someone, a teacher, a parent, a school counsiller, a friend. You can get through it, and you can be happy, you just need to keep fighting.  x

ItIsJustMeHere ItIsJustMeHere
13-15, F
1 Response Feb 23, 2010

Im your age, and im fighting hard..but nothings working<br />
I cant talk to anyone...and its killing me<br />
what do i do?<br />