I Sabotage Myself

i don't know why but for as long as i can remember i have sabotaged everything in my life. i'm with a very wonderful man who loves me, who gave up everything that was familiar in his life to move 6 hours from home to be with me and i still can't believe that he really cares about me. i want him to express his love for me the way i would express it, but that's not fair of me to expect. how do i let go of this feeling? i can't stop pushing him away by questioning everything every day. i question whether he really loves me, question why he doesn't say the things i want to hear, question why he says what he says, why he does what he does....why can't i just let him be his own person instead of trying to control everything?? i've never loved someone as much as i love him and now i fear i may lose him because i can't stop being so insecure about our relationship. i guess deep down i just can't believe that someone could actually love me. i don't feel worthy of love from anyone, and i don't know that i truly ever have. i don't know how to be anything different than who i am but i know that i can't go on like this. i'm going to end up losing the most important person in the world because of this. how do i gain confidence? how do i move forward and trust that he really cares about me? i know he's growing weary of this and i'm sure he can't take much more before he decides that the pain of not being together is less than the pain and torture of being with someone who can't believe in him. i need help. i need somone to understand where i'm coming from....
sengasong sengasong
22-25, F
1 Response Nov 5, 2010

I understand. I do alot of the same things..i think i've figured out, it's all about me not feeling worthy. My own lack of self esteem. I don't have an answer, just the fact that you realize you are like this, is the first step. When you feel yourself about to say something 'wrong' ...stop yourself.