Why, Oh Why?

I was doing better with my wife than any time in the last ten years when I met my girlfriend.  I have to put "met" in quotes because I met her online.  My wife and I were communicating better and feeling more loving and having more sex (most important to me). 

Then a woman makes a comment about something I wrote -- she said it turned her on.  I knew -- or believed I knew -- right then that I could have her if I wanted.  Of course, a thought like that requires action.  I have to prove it, even if it is only to myself.

Yeah.  Proving it was very important because I have been feeling worthless and unlovable and like everything people say to me is unreal. Empty promises.  People say they like me, but do we do anything together?  Obviously the answer to a rhetorical question like that is "no."

I believe the love of women is very healing.  It is comforting.  It makes me feel real.  My wife had not been giving me anything that I interpreted as love for a decade.  Certainly there was no sex, which means there was no love.  You can have sex without love, I guess, but I can not feel loved without sex.

Yet, my marriage was getting better after two years of therapy and lots of hard work. 

So why did I have to go out and get a girlfriend?  Why, now, am I making plans to meet her and have four days of sexual bliss?

My girlfriend and I have had a rough time -- up and down -- lot's of drama.  I must like it that way, because that's what I do all the time.  Consciously, however, I just want a steady, happy, sexual thing. 

If I get caught, I will lose my wife, my two children, my house ... pretty much all that I have worked for.  My children will be devastated.  My wife will hate me and spit venom at me.  I'll leave, live in some stupid apartment, stop taking my meds, lose my job, my health insurance, and who knows.  Maybe I'll die in a few years.  I know this.  But I still move forward, as if I won't get caught.  What the eff is going on with me?

Why am I doing this?  I am trying to get a sign that I am lovable and desirable and desired.  I need to be wanted -- it's the only thing that makes me feel grounded.  Otherwise I'm a house of cards collapsing in slow motion.

Why am I doing this? I'm self-destructive.  I don't care about my family.  I need drama and excitement.  I crave sex.  I'm addicted to the high of falling in love (except then why would I keep them?)  Other theories are welcome. 

Why am I doing this?  I'm looking for a landing spot for when my wife dumps me. 

Why am I doing this?  I'm a sick fu*ck.  A sociopath.  No sense of morality.

Why am I doing this?  I want to.  I can. 

 

wundayatta wundayatta
56-60, M
Mar 5, 2010