Post

Sadly...i Don't Really Care Either

I do it for multiple reasons, but the main one is that the pain makes me calmer.  Whatever I am feeling inside, however intolerable it is, I do enough damage, it goes away...

So it's soothing.  Sometimes I do it just for that, like I'm wrapping myself up in some strange security blanket.  Other times it's the punishment that makes the self-loathing go away. Still other times I'm furious at my spouse, but I can't very well take my anger out on the one person who still puts up with me, can I?

Even if I've gotten so incredibly sensitive that she shouts at the computer, even when I'm in another room, and I shake and have chest pains in fear. I want to be near her more, but she manages to terrorize me randomly.

The less the meds work to control the depression, the more I need to hurt myself. It was just cutting, now it's hitting myself with things, and important I leave bruises.

I'm tired of inflicting this unending misery parade on everyone, really. I could keep asking for help, but I never get any freaking better.  I try, I seem to for a little, then my a$$ falls over again.
  I hate being like this, it sucks.
hylierandom hylierandom 41-45 7 Responses Oct 20, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

u know u didnt just put ur pain in words ,u also explained ur opinion about hurting urself and i really understand what u r talking about

I still occasionally self-harm. But I'm a lot less distressed. Possibly have dissociative identity disorder though. Maybe. Sort of.

Wow, those are some deep unresolved issues, man! To make you hurt yourself...to cause yourself more pain, at your own hands, on top of the pain other a$$holes have already caused you...and to actually feel comforted or relieved or fulfilled by that. How sad that you ever internalized all their abuse in such a disturbing, self-injurious manner. It actually ****** me off at your abusers!! I'm so sorry that you have to endure this.<br />
<br />
I know the flashbacks suck big time!...walk around in a funk for a few days with that deer in the headlights look froze on your face as you struggle to process it all and then compartmentalize it some how, somewhere...but I have learned throughout the years that they are helpful in the long run for me so when it happens, I go THROUGH them instead of trying to go AROUND them. They still scare da hell outta me and have a tendency to level me temporarily to this day...they continue to shock me into realizing that even after all these years, I still have so much pushed deep down inside...like a bottomless pit apparently. haha<br />
<br />
I can totally relate to seeking help and not truly getting any that seems to work permanently...burntout on it! Been through the mill with all the drugs and so-called experts and quite frankly not much progress or growth to report as a result of their "help", quite the contrary in fact, I believe it's all made things worse for me in a lot of respects so I fly solo now. I have helped myself more than any other entity ever has!<br />
<br />
Peace, Dude

You know, when you posted "its not my cuppa..." on my whiteboard, I started thinking about cutters (I've known some), and, you know, thats not MY cuppa... but when I read this, about the things that make you feel like hurting yourself, MAN—those are the same things that make me sometimes just GOTTA drink pee. I mean, if I don't, its like i'm going to explode, and I can't think... I don't think that its really so different, at least what makes us do it, except that I don't have bruises and scars. A lot of therapy gave me peace of mind, and I don't have flashbacks and anxiety attacks anymore. I hope you can work on that stuff, those triggers, and find some peace—you do surely deserve it.

I think a big part of the issue is I can't stay convinced I don't deserve to feel rotten.

Why? I mean, what have you done, aside from being the object of a sick, twisted bully's scorn and abuse? If you can convince me that you deserve it... I dare ya; c'mon, put 'em up, put 'em up.

First off **HUGS** you my dear need lots of love and hugs!!!=)=)=)=) Smile your loved!!!1 always remember that..I understand the pain and want to hurt yourself, and only getting better for a time......Hating the feelings....grrrr well anyways.....I know it takes time and i wish i had the fix for all of us in pain and suffering any emotional, mental, and physical trauma caused by those who have taken advantage or feel the need to cause harm....and for that im sorry...but until that wonderful day comes try to see the beauty in this dark world, remember your loved, and cared for, and will be missed when gone..if nothing else then remember your friends and ppl like me( and of course me heehee) will be there to give you a hug, a shoulder to cry on, dance with you, make you smile, wipe your tears away, and love you forever.=) there is hope out there, there is beauty, love, happiness...it is possible you just have to find it...and when you fall down we will be there to kiss the booboos, and help you stand back up and keep going. We have to help eachother through the bad and the sad, the down and depressing. So my friend....Im here for you ever need me, and im always sending good vibes, and happiness ur way. I hope things get better for you so you can be happy and close with your wife like you want=)=)<br />
<br />
Peace&Love<br />
oOBubblezzOo<br />
Always here for ya=)

I'm pretty sure I know exactly what you mean when you described your reasoning for it. It helped me put words to my reasons for it as well. I wish I had a quick fix solution for us instead of taking time to learn self love and self worth. I wish you well on your journey towards both.

(((((hugs)))))

Thank you...I didn't realize I was about to have a flashback, that explains why I was so agitated. Now I get to feel that sad, stunned feeling I get when I get new recalled memories.

I know your pain my friend. I too self harm at times. I don't do it as much as I use to, but that demon still shows its face every now and again. I have cut, I have punched things, I have pulled most of my hair out. The pain can be a release. Not healthy, I know, but it can change my thought process. Sometimes I think that if I hurt my self, I won't hurt others. I read yous story this morning early. I thought about you alot on my comute to work. A song keeps comminmg to mind when I think of your pain. Its the Black Crowes, "She Talks to Angels". Don't know if you know the song, but its worth a listen. Its what I think about when I think about hurting my self. Theres a line, "Theres a smile when the pain comes, the pain gonna make everything all right." My eyes wept for you this morning. I saw you updated you status, I hope you are doing better. Take care.<br />
Lex