Sadly...i Don't Really Care EitherI do it for multiple reasons, but the main one is that the pain makes me calmer. Whatever I am feeling inside, however intolerable it is, I do enough damage, it goes away...
So it's soothing. Sometimes I do it just for that, like I'm wrapping myself up in some strange security blanket. Other times it's the punishment that makes the self-loathing go away. Still other times I'm furious at my spouse, but I can't very well take my anger out on the one person who still puts up with me, can I?
Even if I've gotten so incredibly sensitive that she shouts at the computer, even when I'm in another room, and I shake and have chest pains in fear. I want to be near her more, but she manages to terrorize me randomly.
The less the meds work to control the depression, the more I need to hurt myself. It was just cutting, now it's hitting myself with things, and important I leave bruises.
I'm tired of inflicting this unending misery parade on everyone, really. I could keep asking for help, but I never get any freaking better. I try, I seem to for a little, then my a$$ falls over again.
I hate being like this, it sucks.