I Really Want To Know Why I Cut Myself.

I have battled with depression ( not diagnosed by a Dr.) since around 8 yrs old. My childhood was fairly descent. However, my father would pysically hurt my mother in front of myself, and my 3 older bros. To this day, he denies it, even though i was 17 the last night i saw him punch her in the face. He was abusive to us, as well. Physically, and mainly emotionally. And to this day, i am 35, he still puts me down in any way he can. Around him, i self destruct. I usually end up in his bathroom, cutting myself, or screaming on the top of my lungs. I would say, he is 75% of the problem!! He is and always will be negative. He never praises us when we make any kind of acheivement. He is a miserable man.
Anyway, around the age of 18, i started noticing mood changes, more frequent. It didn't take much for me to punch someone square in the face. From 19-25, i hurt a lot of people, physically. And it doesn't feel good. To this day, i feel horrible about it. 50% of these times, i was drunk or drinking. When i was 26, i stopped drinking, and going out. It was old. My mood swings were worse than ever. I flip over anything. I was 12, the first time i cut myself. Of course i hid it as much as i could. And here i am, 34, and still cutting myself. I do see a Dr., but for Anxiety. I am on Celexa 40mg once a day, and 1mg Klonopin twice a day. Neither make a difference. I go into these "holes", where i will sleep for days, and wake up, be ok for a few days, and then back into the hole, i go. While in the hole, i cut myself. My mood is so easy to change, that i can't stand myself. I am just like the one person, i loathe. My father. Some of my friends have said i am Bi-polar. BC my mood changes at the drop of a hat. BUT, i do not have the "highs" pertaining to bi-polar disorder. But i def have the lows. I fantasize about suicide, even tho i would never do it. I think about death daily. What is wrong with me? I def have Anxiety, can this be a part of the Anxiety? Or does this sound like Depression/Bi-polar?? I am VERY confused. I kno9w i need to tell me Dr., but i am extremely embarrassed. I read online that, cutting is usually for teenage girls. And i can't seem to stop. I feel like i am spiraling out of control, with my non stop thoughts. What should i do?
Razorgirl Razorgirl
31-35, F
1 Response May 16, 2012

hey. I know that it's quite a while ago that you wrote this but I want to tell you that you're not alone. I'm a cutter (how I hate that..) ever since I was 14. I'm 20 now. I've passed me teenage years but I don't see myself stopping self harm soon.

You should really tell your Dr. about this. I know that it's hard to tell him/her but it will help. I took me more then six months to tell my psychologist about the severety of my problems. In half an hour I'm going to see him again. Last week he found out that I cut at a daily basis and he was getting worried. Kinda made me feel good, having someone worriyng about you.

Anyway. Whenever you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. I hope that things are a bit better now.

Love, Joy