I Really Want To Know Why I Cut Myself.I have battled with depression ( not diagnosed by a Dr.) since around 8 yrs old. My childhood was fairly descent. However, my father would pysically hurt my mother in front of myself, and my 3 older bros. To this day, he denies it, even though i was 17 the last night i saw him punch her in the face. He was abusive to us, as well. Physically, and mainly emotionally. And to this day, i am 35, he still puts me down in any way he can. Around him, i self destruct. I usually end up in his bathroom, cutting myself, or screaming on the top of my lungs. I would say, he is 75% of the problem!! He is and always will be negative. He never praises us when we make any kind of acheivement. He is a miserable man.
Anyway, around the age of 18, i started noticing mood changes, more frequent. It didn't take much for me to punch someone square in the face. From 19-25, i hurt a lot of people, physically. And it doesn't feel good. To this day, i feel horrible about it. 50% of these times, i was drunk or drinking. When i was 26, i stopped drinking, and going out. It was old. My mood swings were worse than ever. I flip over anything. I was 12, the first time i cut myself. Of course i hid it as much as i could. And here i am, 34, and still cutting myself. I do see a Dr., but for Anxiety. I am on Celexa 40mg once a day, and 1mg Klonopin twice a day. Neither make a difference. I go into these "holes", where i will sleep for days, and wake up, be ok for a few days, and then back into the hole, i go. While in the hole, i cut myself. My mood is so easy to change, that i can't stand myself. I am just like the one person, i loathe. My father. Some of my friends have said i am Bi-polar. BC my mood changes at the drop of a hat. BUT, i do not have the "highs" pertaining to bi-polar disorder. But i def have the lows. I fantasize about suicide, even tho i would never do it. I think about death daily. What is wrong with me? I def have Anxiety, can this be a part of the Anxiety? Or does this sound like Depression/Bi-polar?? I am VERY confused. I kno9w i need to tell me Dr., but i am extremely embarrassed. I read online that, cutting is usually for teenage girls. And i can't seem to stop. I feel like i am spiraling out of control, with my non stop thoughts. What should i do?