The Beginning To My End

My name is Amanda & I am 19 years old. I have now been Cutting / / Self-Harming for about 6 years on & off. It all started when I was 13. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a normal saturday hanging out with my older (18) brother & all his friends like I would any other saturday. But, this saturday my brother & his friends had decided to go out to a party leaving me at the house by myself. After being gone for about a hour his bestfriend had came back saying that my brother needed me back at his house so he was going to take me & I didnt think anything was wrong witht hat since I have known him my whole life. When we had got back to his house no one was there but, us to. I started to question him as to where my brother was & he became "weird" I started to get scared telling him to take me home but, he wouldnt. He began to pull on me & even hit me. He then pulled me down stairs to the basement where he ripped my clothes off & began to rape me. I was screaming, crying, yelling but, no one was around to hear me. With every movement i made pulling away, bitting, hitting, scratching he would hit me, punch me, & yell at me. After ten long mins I gave up & let into him allowing him to rape me over & over. & every moment I tried to fight he would hit me harder he would even cut me. This went on for about a week but, it seemed like a life time. It all came to a end when my brother had finally found me after looking for me. He came to his bestfriends house to ask once again for help with the search for me. When my brother came into the house he couldnt find his betfriend anywhere so he came down stairs to the basement as a last resort & when he came down he seen his besfriend on top of me pushing his self inside me. The last thing I remember seeing that night is my brother being taken out in handcuff & his bestfriend being taken out in a body bag. A week later we found out I was prego. & thats when the cutting began. I would cut everyday many times a day to hide the pain I was feeling. Once i became more prego like 4 months i had began to stop because I knew it wasnt good for the baby. I came to full term with my beautiful daughter. Then things had got bad all over. When looking into my daughters eyes all I seen was her "father" I couldnt take my anger or pain out on her so I went back to cutting again never cutting where anyone could see always hidden. I would cut so deep that it took a couple hours sometimes for it to fully stop bleeding. I would sit there & watch as the blood poured out of me crying my eyes out as i cut even deeper. Until I had almost got caught by my little brother. I had then stopped for a two years. After coming out to my family as being a lesbian. My brothers who live at home had started to physically & mentally abuse me. My mom would talk down on me ect . & I took it all didnt say anything about it just took it all in. My moms husband would rape me when ever he was drunk & I was to scared to say anything to any one because he said he woulod kill my daughter & me. He also has been in jail for murder before so yet again i keep it to myself & took it all in. & then on July 23, 2012 I was rapped again by someone I dont even know or have ever seen before. & yet again i keep it to myself & took it all in. So about two weeks ago i have started to cut again. I use to only cut on my stomach or my thighs or even my boobs anywhere no one would be able to see. But this time its almost like I dont care anymore i cut my wrists & arms. Two days ago I sent my daughter to my moms house telling her I was very sick & coulodnt take care of her on my own. That same night I had cut so deep that the bleeding wouldnt stop & I ended up passing out due to the lost of blood & I was found by my ex. I have just been released from the hospital but, the whole time I was in the hospital my family thought I was at home in bed sick no one came to check on me to see if I was okay & still no one know what I do to myself except my ex. I feel like it is all soon coming to an end no questions asked I cant handel all this alone anymore .