My Self Harm StoryFirst of all, I am a 34 year old Male and I Self Harm. I don't really know what led to this, but I have many factors. I have had Bipolar since I was young, and also had to deal with a lot, so any of those things could have been a factor I guess. My mother got severe brain damage on Thanksgiving (fell off a horse) when I was about ten. She then died of cervical cancer on Christmas Day 6 years later. My real father died of a brain aneurysm about 6 months or so after my moms brain damage. I then lived with my evil stepfather and the new evil woman he brought into the house while my mom is in the hospital for brain damage. I hated them and when I was 14 they told me I could stay with them and never speak to my moms side of the family again, or live with my moms family and never speak to them again because of the woman in the house my moms family hated them which is why I had to decide. I chose my grandma, and I lived with her until I finally moved out on my own.
Now that you know a little about me I will start with the SH. I have always SHed since I was young. I used to just punch stuff real hard, or punch myself, or beat my head into things. I did this for years. One time when I was 21 years old I was really upset and walking home. I started trying to punch out the window of any car that I passed that was parked on the side of the road. I also was beating the crap out of myself and crying crazily. When I got to my apartment and went inside my hand was black from bruise and my two roommates and their friend (all were female) instantly put me in the car and took me to the emergency room. I was given something to calm me and I spent some time in the Psychiatric Hospital and was diagnosed with Bipolar. Still I was just a puncher all these years. Until last year. Early last year I was very upset and sitting on the floor, and I just picked up a knife and started to cut. I felt great afterwards. It wasn't a whole lot and after that I only did it every so often. Then early this year I put down the knife and started using my folding utility knife which I like much better. It is just easier. I have done it quite a bit this year. It is definitely getting worse. I got stupid one time and I realized I hadn't had a Tetanus shot in many years, so after thinking non stop about it for 2 days I finally went to a doctor and said I needed a Tetanus shot. Well long story short, they ended up seeing the cuts and scars. I went through the usual round of questioning then told them I am seeing a psychiatrist and they gave me the shot and let me go. It was extremely embarrassing for me. I don't advertise my cutting and keep it in places where I can keep it hidden. Honestly though, I don't have any plans to stop. It is to the point where I like doing it. I can't help it, I really get put into a trance when the blood starts to flow. It is almost like time is frozen and all worries are gone from my mind. It is so vibrant and beautiful. The scars are even beautiful to me. I like looking at them, I just don't like for others to see. Anyway, that is my story. Thanks for listening.
ManiacalTom 31-35, M 4 Responses 6 Sep 5, 2012