My Self Harm Story

First of all, I am a 34 year old Male and I Self Harm. I don't really know what led to this, but I have many factors. I have had Bipolar since I was young, and also had to deal with a lot, so any of those things could have been a factor I guess. My mother got severe brain damage on Thanksgiving (fell off a horse) when I was about ten. She then died of cervical cancer on Christmas Day 6 years later. My real father died of a brain aneurysm about 6 months or so after my moms brain damage. I then lived with my evil stepfather and the new evil woman he brought into the house while my mom is in the hospital for brain damage. I hated them and when I was 14 they told me I could stay with them and never speak to my moms side of the family again, or live with my moms family and never speak to them again because of the woman in the house my moms family hated them which is why I had to decide. I chose my grandma, and I lived with her until I finally moved out on my own.

Now that you know a little about me I will start with the SH. I have always SHed since I was young. I used to just punch stuff real hard, or punch myself, or beat my head into things. I did this for years. One time when I was 21 years old I was really upset and walking home. I started trying to punch out the window of any car that I passed that was parked on the side of the road. I also was beating the crap out of myself and crying crazily. When I got to my apartment and went inside my hand was black from bruise and my two roommates and their friend (all were female) instantly put me in the car and took me to the emergency room. I was given something to calm me and I spent some time in the Psychiatric Hospital and was diagnosed with Bipolar. Still I was just a puncher all these years. Until last year. Early last year I was very upset and sitting on the floor, and I just picked up a knife and started to cut. I felt great afterwards. It wasn't a whole lot and after that I only did it every so often. Then early this year I put down the knife and started using my folding utility knife which I like much better. It is just easier. I have done it quite a bit this year. It is definitely getting worse. I got stupid one time and I realized I hadn't had a Tetanus shot in many years, so after thinking non stop about it for 2 days I finally went to a doctor and said I needed a Tetanus shot. Well long story short, they ended up seeing the cuts and scars. I went through the usual round of questioning then told them I am seeing a psychiatrist and they gave me the shot and let me go. It was extremely embarrassing for me. I don't advertise my cutting and keep it in places where I can keep it hidden. Honestly though, I don't have any plans to stop. It is to the point where I like doing it. I can't help it, I really get put into a trance when the blood starts to flow. It is almost like time is frozen and all worries are gone from my mind. It is so vibrant and beautiful. The scars are even beautiful to me. I like looking at them, I just don't like for others to see. Anyway, that is my story. Thanks for listening.

ManiacalTom ManiacalTom
31-35, M
4 Responses Sep 5, 2012

That's an act of self loathing. I was there but it manifested itself in a different way. There is no reason in the world you need to do that today. My opinion is that you need to forgive yourself and move on. Life happens and your dad was a very lonely sad man to do what he did, that happens in life too.

Pity him don't hate him most of all don't hate yourself you had nothing to do with how things went down, there's more to the facts of life than the birds and the bees, death and tragedy unfortunately can be part of that it's part of the Ying and Yang of things. No light without dark. It sounds to me like you have a good head start coming out of the closet, now you can do what you need to and get happier.

Wow, You could have been the male version of me. I love the blood dripping down, it is like the pain is flowing away. Best of all you could manage the flow. It it is huge pain you would let it run out fast and so on.

Kind of the same way. But I was never a puncher only a cutter. And now it's so bad that anytime I do cut I should go get stitches

Oh, that sucks. I had to go get 30 staples a few months back. I just like to bleed until there is a big puddle in the tub that I can run my feet through and splash around. I do have a lot of cuts that should have had stitches, but as long as I can stop the bleeding then I won't go to the hospital. So far only the staples for me. It sucks you do it so badly. Hopefully it isn't often.

Once a week almost. And it should've had stitches but I didn't get them. Didn't know what to do. My foster mom took all my blades away and locked them away. It feels so good to bleed though

Yes I was averaging once a week or so as well. It has been over a month, but I can't really say that. I haven't cut my legs and bleed a pool in over a month, but I have started cutting my arm. It isn't deep cuts like my legs though, it is more like scratches that bleed for a min and that is it. It looks how my legs looked when I first started. So now I know either I am going to go back to my legs, or I think that I will just keep getting worse and worse on my arm until it looks like my legs do. I have done it 3 times on my arms. I actually did my arms when I was at work. Oh well, I know I don't want to stop. If you cut and it should have stitches, it will be okay as long as you can stop the bleeding. Just don't cut a tendon or something or you could lose the use of a limb. Yes, it feels good to bleed. I have some poems about it in my blog section. I said in a journal entry about the bleeding that I love to watch the F-ed up leave my body.

I know this Is so wrong to ask but I really want to see the bloody pictures

I cut at school too

2 More Responses

First of all, you have my respect for surviving all those hard years. You must have been through a lot of pain that you couldn't even express in this story.<br />
I don't know what do you mean by "trance" there, but in fact, I do feel a similar thing when I see the blood coming out even if it wasn't the result of SH. I just wondered if other people who do SH are feeling the same.

Thank you for you response. It was very hard growing up with all that. You are correct in saying that there was more pain. If you really wish to know more, then read my story about my Bipolar. I go into a little more detail there. As for what I mean about a "trance" when I cut, it seems when the blood starts to flow I kind of zone out and just stare at it. It makes me feel like nothing else in the world exists. I wrote the other day while cutting and wrote a few things that may be relevant. I wrote, "Now I can watch the F@#$ed up leave my body" and "God gave us the most beautiful of things and hid it in our bodies. I have discovered this hidden beauty. If the world finds it taboo, then fine. I will release it and enjoy the beauty for myself." Perhaps this will help you understand, and perhaps not. This is my mentality.