Butterfies

I'm 16 years old and i started cutting myself at the top of my right thigh in the summer holidays of 2012, so not that long ago, 3 and a half months? god it feels like longer...i had been down for a while about many things in my life and had honestly thought about cutting myself before, but i had always managed to make myself think that i didn't need to. but one day i was weak and i failed myself. i remember i found the sharpest pair of scissors i had in my room and i cut myself 5 times, they were deep and painful, but i found that concentrating on that pain, and the blood dripping down my leg, actually took away the pain in my head for a while,and that felt really good. so those first five cuts healed and left scars, and from then on every time i got those feelings in my head, the ones that made me feel worthless, like i didn't matter, like everything in my life was going wrong and i couldn't do anything right, i would add cuts to my leg. watching my blood drip down my leg, thick and fast would somehow take away all these thoughts, i don't know why or how. but i know that it would somehow make me feel better. but then would come the worse thoughts, the ones where i released how stupid i was to harm myself, at how ugly my body is now, and how i will never escape from this time in my life, i will never be able to forget because these scars will be with me forever. in the past 3 and a half months, those 5 scars have turned into 71 scars. how can i hide 71 scars from everyone? I've been so good at putting on an act and a smile at school in front of everyone that i just naturally do it now but i still failed to hide the scars, one of my closest friends saw them one day, i didn't mean for her too, but she did and i couldn't exactly say 'my cat scratched me' so i told her that they were from ages ago and left it at that. we told my other close friend and he was so supportive, and truthful to me and i felt that i could tell him the real story, about how i'm still going through it and that i need help. and that's what hes doing, hes helping me. he helped me get rid of my razor blades and hes always there to listen when i need to talk to someone. hes the name that is written on my thigh next to my butterfly, the butterfly that has helped me not to cut myself in over a week. it doesn't sound like long, but its the longest I've gone for quite a while. i'm so grateful that he knows, and i really hope I've started a new chapter and i'm able to go even longer without cutting myself.