Kiddies, Its Relapse Time!

I don't know why I did it. The past 2 weeks have been full of sketching and butterflies and red markers and ice cubes and cigarettes and pathology and opthamology and ent and all nighters and friends... No room to think no time to be upset I was so alright. Then last night I grabbed a pencil sharpener, took the razor out n got to work on my knee. It was so spontaneous. My friend saw the blood on my sleepy sheep pajamas, it wasn't til they forced me to show them that I realized I had 26 cuts on my knee, 8 fresh, the others at various stages of healing. You know that silence when denial comes crashing down n reality hits? Like when you're in a plane n your ears get kinda blocked, suddenly, cuz the pressure in your inner ear is greater than the pressure in your external environment and your tympanic membrane cant move. My brain, its stuck between the pressures. I can't hear a thing.
scantilycladsoul scantilycladsoul
22-25, F
3 Responses Dec 5, 2012

I want to. Again. Now. I forgot why I do not want to. I have today n tomorrow to cover patho. More than 48 hrs plenty of time. Why do I have the urge? I've placed the pin and sharpener in the bathroom, set. I came back out. What do I gain? When I'm doing it I'm calm. The noise in my head stops. Afterwards I'm floating, but the noise is still there. The **** is still there. The chaos is still there. I need to sit and focus. I need to do kidney. I'm going to try to do kidney.

Well it started midway.. and its all on my thighs/knees... I can't afford to do it in a place where a chief intern or patient can see, itd really affect my career. You know, a lot of people have said if I dropped med n did something "easier" I wouldn't get so miserable... But honestly, I don't know how I'd live any other way. To let my dreams go would not bring me happiness, I don't think. Right now, I'm just telling myself that I choose not to cut, i choose to continue a healthy ambition. Working so far. 5 days clean :) weekly therapy n not missing meds helps :D

Thanks for responding! It helps to finally hear someone who understands... and yes it is high stress and other things would be "easier" but they wouldn't be gratifying as we tend to know our individual capabilities better than anyone else.... and i know it will be worth it! I was clean for sometime til med school started...problem is i stopped therapy and meds and i don't want my parents to find out that I need them again. that's the sad part.

I know this probably isn't my place but I was wondering how did you get through the stresses of med school so far, hiding the scars? The reality of a self harm relapse is something that is really difficult to forget, let alone address.