Oh.. A Relapse...

I have been strong lately as my life reaches new levels of stress. I even get anxiety now when I didn't before. I have been resisting the urge to cut myself as I have the past. That's how I used to self harm myself. I even went as far as getting myself a sharp tool but even then I was able to talk myself out of it. It felt great to keep my head up and not have to fall back on my cutting days.

But of course I couldn't just stay that way. I live in a very cold climate so we often have fires, the metal around the fire of course- gets hot- very hot... I was poking at the fire to shift around the wood and knock down the embers with the metal tool we have for that when I hit my hand against that metal on accident and it instantly burned me.

At first I was very angry about being hurt when I realized how much the burn looked like a cut shape wise, how I suddenly was pulled out of my mini depression with the pain and the feelings it brought up in me. Long story short I burned myself this time so this is a relapse I would assume... although I have resisted the urge to cut myself- I burned myself.

I still don't know how to feel about it yet. Am I weak? Is this square one now? Did I fail...? Should I just not bother trying to resist now that I have caved into the urges once more after years of not hurting myself? Why can't I just stop...
OsiOsi OsiOsi
18-21, F
Dec 6, 2012