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Defeated.

I've been doing so good for so long. I haven't touched a razor for over a month.
But today I can't take it. I can't push myself through it without the blade.
I feel so useless, but when I cut, I have a purpose. Bleed.
My body sends the command, and I know I'm here to do something. Without that I have no purpose. I can't do anything right, except bleed.
My friend asked me the other day if it hurt. I was confused as to what she was talking about. She pointed to a couple of scars. I said no and changed topic.
I'm so sick of everyone. Everything. It's all bullshit. We all die in the end. You can't avoid it. Why not end the pain sooner?
All I can see is my flaws. I was told we all see ourselves differently than others, but honestly how could anyone ever look at this,at me, and say I love you They can't. I'm repulsive.
The scars make it physically worse, but emotionally it's the only way I can live without going insane.
Everyone is so judgemental. Then they say they don't understand why people cut. It's the pressure. It's the release. It's the meaning. It's the purpose.
Sometimes cutting is the only way I feel anything at all. If I do feel anything else, it's only sorrow and hatred.
I'm pathetic. I'm worthless. I will never amount to anything in life. It's time to pick up the blade again and give my being a purpose.
vicspen vicspen 18-21, F 2 Responses Dec 10, 2012

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I understand what you mean. I've been there my self alot. Sometimes it's the only thing we can do.
But don't give up on life completely. Things may seem like they'll never get better but eventually they will. Take it one day at a time.
Missme153

I know how you feel. It's like an escape.