What's The Point.

Fighting the urge to cut, I sit here almost in tears. I don't know why I want to feel the cool blade within my skin. I keep telling myself no. But my body keeps saying yes.
I would if I didn't fear the pain in my friends eyes tomorrow when they see the damage I've done. I cut when I feel useless, unwanted, weak. But once the blade is put away, what am I?
I hurt those around me for a little pressure off my chest? It makes things so much worse once I've told them what I've done. They make me promise not to do it again... And then once I break that promise I can't stop myself from feeling bad and doing it all over again. The guilt of cutting hurts worse than the blade. I'm ashamed of who I've become.
I'd give anything to change. To have never cut in the first place. But it's to late for me. Don't let it be to late for you. My friends unintentionally make me feel bad once I cut they blame themselves but I know different.
I guess I must fight the urge to cut tonight. The chill of a cool blade must wait till another night.
Missme153
missme153 missme153
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 11, 2012

They don't understand it.
However, your triggers to cut are feeling useless, unwanted and weak.
...So, you need to feel wanted, useful, and strong.
How do you think you might do that?

I do believe that yes, I need to feelwanted useful and strong. But it is very difficult to accomplish this when everyone around me unintentionally put me down. Another one of my triggers is anger... More like rage though.. Anyways I try day after day trying to be better. I am the strong for my friends, but when it comes to myself I feel weak. my boyfriend trys to help with the feelings of uselessness and the feeling of being unwanted, but I always have the thought in the back of my mind that I annoy or hurt him even when I havnt.
I'm lost and need to find a way to be better.... Any suggestions?
Missme153