They All Know....

I was in Uni and we had a practical lesson - I'm an art student so it was going to be pretty messy.
My lecturer selected me as a "volunteer" because I never speak. So up I go to the front of the class feeling like a complete idiot, but he smiles at me encouragingly and he's always nice so that somewhat lessens the feeling of humiliation.
Then he pours some paints into individual dishes and explains how art can be used as therapy - ie. painting ones feelings.
So then he asks me to role up my sleeves and paint how I'm feeling today using my hands because apparently "it's more expressive that way"...
I just stood there stock still. So he repeats the request this time with a little more command in his voice. I hear him but I couldn't move, I couldn't think and I could feel my fear building, like it's going to suffocate me. I can't show them the cuts on my arms, but I can't refuse to do what he wants. Then he's stood behind me and he puts his hand on my shoulder - just asking if I'm ok. Him being stood behind me made me feel sick. It was like there was no one else in the room just me and him except it wasn't him it was someone else and I was twelve years old again and no one was coming to help.
So I attacked him, screaming, just trying to get away from that feeling, that memory. And everyone was there watching.
I ran. I got to the front doors of the Uni building but there is a security system, all you have to do is push a button and the doors unlock to let you through but I couldn't think of how to get out. I was sat on the floor leaning against the door crying when he caught up to me.
I tried to say I was sorry for attacking him but I couldn't form the words and I couldn't stop crying. He sent me home in the end because I couldn't answer any of his questions. It's like the words got stuck in my throat.
Went in to Uni today and everyone stared. They have this look in their eyes like I'm some rabid dog that might bite. Started self harming at Uni now, in the bathroom at lunch, never done that before.
My lecturer doesn't hold it against me that I attacked him, hasn't brought it up, simply pretends that it didn't happen. I know they're all talking about it behind my back. The few friendships I was beginning to have with people have disappeared entirely, it's like I'm an unwelcome guest and they are all just waiting for me to leave. Haven't eaten properly all week, even my stomach doesn't want anything to do with me.
I feel ashamed and dirty.
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2 Responses Dec 12, 2012

Screw them! They've never been in your shoes, they never know what kind of a fight you have to put everyday with to go through this and no one deserves to judge you. Every day, something new happens and very soon everyone would be talking about different news. You have not done anything wrong, you've reacted because you felt provoked and you did your best to manage it. Think that it could have been worse but you did manage to stop. No one deserves to make you feel bad. I would have felt proud of you that you are trying your best to cope with it if you were my friend.

you know, I feel proud when I go out of a panic attack without cutting or bruising. And when I do bruise myself, I feel proud I could stop at some point.

wow.. that must have been a difficult situation..

but.. does anybody at uni know about your situation?

maybe it's good to explain at least to somebody why you reacted like this, so they won't ask you to roll up your sleeves..

anyway, the biggest 'problem' is the fact you are harming yourself. it is really difficult to get rid of that... :( you probably know that sometimes you have better or worse periods, so sometimes it DOES get better.. it's not stupid of you to think it was getting better, it shows that you had a little hope, and that excactly is what you need to stop harming yourself. You'll need hope, you need perseverance, you need to want to stop...

in my experience, stopping starts with knowing why you are harming yourself.. so maybe its an idea to think about that, maybe write it down, just.. to get it straight to yourself