Just For Him

Hello baby,

I'm hoping that this way will be easier for me to explain how I'm feeling to you.. So here I go *panics*...

At the moment I feel that the whole world is against me, that I'm the worst person alive. I'm fighting and fighting through this each day it gets harder and harder, the thoughts that are going through my head are hard to believe.. Each day I'm getting weaker and weaker, which is making me consider hurting myself. This feeling is becoming even more appealing to me as I want to be free, the only way I can see me being free is if I go through with the thoughts that are swimming around in my head!!.. When I hurt myself I have this sudden release and urge to do it again and again, I've tried my hardest to get through it so far, I just think you.. How would you feel?, how'd my family would feel?.. And my friends.. Putting that aside I hate myself, I feel horrible, fat, ugly and disgusting!!.. Every time I look in the mirror it makes me sick seeing what's looking back at me. I'd give anything to be pretty and skinny.. Maybe other people would appreciate me more if i fitted in..

Every time I go into work I feel like everyone is laughing at me and talking about me, I can't cope with the rumours and sly digs I get in that place anymore it's not making me feel any better. I'm so sorry if I've made you look like a joke I promise you I never intended too!!..

From as far as i can remember I wasn't wanted from when I was born, I was used for keeping my mum with Robbie, all I think about is if I wasn't born then maybe that wouldn't have happened to my mum. What if I take my life and its better for everyone?.. What if everyone is happier when I'm gone?.. These re the thoughts that are going around and around each and every day..

I held the razor blade in my hand the other day just looking at my wrist, running it along lightly so I could feel the coldness of the blade on my skin. Do you want to know why I never went any further?.. Well I never went any further because of you, I picture you smiling and laughing that brings me out of this dwelling feeling I have!!... You see how important you are to me?.. Your the only reason I'm still here, you make me unbelievably happy and it shows when I go to hurt myself!!.. Your my one and only and you always will be!!.. Your the first boyfriend that hasn't treated me like **** or laid your hands on me!!.. You might not think I appreciate you, but I truly do appreciate every single moment I get with you!!..

I have a really hard time keeping people close to me, which is where the arguing and stuff come from!!.. If your upset it makes me upset even more so I push people away, even when i don't mean too!!.. I hope you understand everything a little more now..

I just want you to know how I feel and how you make me feel...

Your truly amazing baby boy and You'll forever have my heart no matter what happens.. I love you so bloody much...

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2 Responses Jan 6, 2013

Thank you for sharing this.
God bless.

in case that story is for real ... i would like to give you a comment:
first thing is, you are NOT horrible, ugly, or what so ever in any way. ok? and i'm pretty sure that there are more people out there who are worth to live for, than only your boyfriend.

second thing is, have you ever thought about what amount of pressure you put on your boyfriends shoulders by making him somehow responsible for if you do cutting or not?

third thing is, if i haven't already scared you away for everytime and you can think of talking to me, when you feel sad and down, feel free to write me. don't know if that will help you, but if, feel free.

you're welcome