I Am A Self Harmer

I self harm. This is the first time I have said that without sitting in a consolers office uncomfortably pulling my sleeves down. I cut, I burn, I pick at my skin, I pull my hair, I try and hurt myself in anyway possible, I have since year 5. The pain,in some twisted way helps me deal.but now I'm left with these awful scars. You see I am bullied. A lot. One night, I was really really down, so I took out a marker, not a razor :) and I wrote all of the names that I had been called, I wrote them all over my body. My legs, my arms,wrists, thighs, I kept remembering other words. Soon they were all over me. Some words I wrote bigger then others, some smaller. I didn't rub them off, I let them stay awhile. I think I wanted the reminder of what people think of me. But a name I was called all to often was "****" this one really confused me, I have done nothing even remotely sexual in my existence, I am not "easy" and I cover as much skin as I possibly can on a daily basis. I even were long sleeves under my magnitory pe uniform and pants instead of the short shorts all the other girls were. Safe to say I got stares.

I try so hard. Just to survive. But it's really hard to survive when evreyone is telling you u shouldn't. Have you ever been told to kill yourself? I have, manny times. The one Time i remember the most, the one that hurt me the most, was when I was in year 8, I was just getting over my suicidal thoughts and my medication was getting increased. I was in maths, with my head laying on the desk because i hadnt slept at all the night before.when my eyes closed and i was in that stage were your half asleep but still aware. i was awaken by the booming voice of my teatcher mr.pallot " BRIODY GIBSON, DONT YOU DARE FALL ASLEEP IN MY CLASS! I EXSPECT YOU TO HAVE FINISHED ALL THE EXERSIZES ON THE BOARD !" i really did not like this teacher and he blatantly did not like me. i was so tierd i just wanted to sleep but i had no disier to be kept in so i opened my book.but when i reatched for my pencil, I couldn't see it. So I turned to the guy next to me. His name was Jessie and he kind of frightened me a little. But I needed a pencil. So I asked him. He turned to me,seemed to think for a moment, then looked me straight in the eye and said "why don't you just go kill yourself? I mean its not like anyone wants you here." Then he just turned away. He didn't say it in a joking manner ether. I just asked for a ******* pencil. A pencil. I got my first detention that class.

I was 3 days clean today, till my mum called me fat. She just said it straight to my face.

I just feel really alone right now and I don't know what to do.
Butterflycutter Butterflycutter
18-21, F
4 Responses Jan 14, 2013

Aww Soo Sorry For u Sweetness. Cant imagine What it Would be Like Cutting at such A Young Age.... I Started Feeling Worthless in Yr 6 and then Started Cutting in Year 7... Stay Strong <33 Just Remember You are Never Alone. When It Really Starts Hurting You can Speak To Me xxx

Religion is a good way to cope,but its not for everyone. You will always have someone to talk to and share your pain with. If not in you current circle of acquaintances, then here. Feel free to talk to me anytime.

You don't need god or to pray ( no offense) but all you need are supportive people who can make you feel better when your down. Ep is full of these people you just need to find someone you can trust and talk to them about your problems.

When you feel like self-harming, pray. And there are other things you can do to yourself that don't show on the outside.