I Am A Self Harmer

I self harm. This is the first time I have said that without sitting in a consolers office uncomfortably pulling my sleeves down. I cut, I burn, I pick at my skin, I pull my hair, I try and hurt myself in anyway possible, I have since year 5. The pain,in some twisted way helps me deal.but now I'm left with these awful scars. You see I am bullied. A lot. One night, I was really really down, so I took out a marker, not a razor :) and I wrote all of the names that I had been called, I wrote them all over my body. My legs, my arms,wrists, thighs, I kept remembering other words. Soon they were all over me. Some words I wrote bigger then others, some smaller. I didn't rub them off, I let them stay awhile. I think I wanted the reminder of what people think of me. But a name I was called all to often was "****" this one really confused me, I have done nothing even remotely sexual in my existence, I am not "easy" and I cover as much skin as I possibly can on a daily basis. I even were long sleeves under my magnitory pe uniform and pants instead of the short shorts all the other girls were. Safe to say I got stares.

I try so hard. Just to survive. But it's really hard to survive when evreyone is telling you u shouldn't. Have you ever been told to kill yourself? I have, manny times. The one Time i remember the most, the one that hurt me the most, was when I was in year 8, I was just getting over my suicidal thoughts and my medication was getting increased. I was in maths, with my head laying on the desk because i hadnt slept at all the night before.when my eyes closed and i was in that stage were your half asleep but still aware. i was awaken by the booming voice of my teatcher mr.pallot " BRIODY GIBSON, DONT YOU DARE FALL ASLEEP IN MY CLASS! I EXSPECT YOU TO HAVE FINISHED ALL THE EXERSIZES ON THE BOARD !" i really did not like this teacher and he blatantly did not like me. i was so tierd i just wanted to sleep but i had no disier to be kept in so i opened my book.but when i reatched for my pencil, I couldn't see it. So I turned to the guy next to me. His name was Jessie and he kind of frightened me a little. But I needed a pencil. So I asked him. He turned to me,seemed to think for a moment, then looked me straight in the eye and said "why don't you just go kill yourself? I mean its not like anyone wants you here." Then he just turned away. He didn't say it in a joking manner ether. I just asked for a ******* pencil. A pencil. I got my first detention that class.

I was 3 days clean today, till my mum called me fat. She just said it straight to my face.

I just feel really alone right now and I don't know what to do.