1 Cut, 2 Cut, 3 Cut, Etc.

I started cutting myself at the very end of my senior year of college. I learned from a friend. I remember the EXACT day I cut myself. I was sick of the world, sick of school, sick of people. So I cut myself, right before our choir concert. No one knew. No one knew for quite a while, until I had to admit it to my doctor at the time, with my parents in the room. It was not my ideal way of telling them. In a way it was good that they knew, because I didn't have to work so hard trying to hide the cuts and scars. I try to be honest with them, but they don't understand. I know self-injury is not the best way to deal with things. I know that. I really do. I would never recommend it. It's just that cutting, for me, makes me feel proactive. And I'm sure that makes no sense. I can't do anything. I swallow the medication they give me, and it doesn't help. I don't cut to die, I cut to live. To release pain, frustration, loneliness, rejection....and a million other reasons. It makes me feel just a little bit in control.

xclevermealsx xclevermealsx
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 6, 2009

To the OP:<br />
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I feel you. I used to cut and it was almost exactly the same way with me. <br />
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Here is what people don't understand. Cutting isn't the problem- it is only the symptom of the disease and not the disease itself. My parents, classmates and others were also horrified at my cutting and urgently tried to make me stop. They blamed me and yelled at me for it and treated me as if I were either suicidal or insane, when I was neither. They completely didn't understand. One of the things they didn't get at all was that cutting wasn't the actual issue. Not in the slightest. As a matter of fact, it was the solution! Maybe not the best one- but the only one that helped me at the time. <br />
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You need to deal with your loneliness, depression and other feelings that make you want to cut. That's the real problem. Your urge to cut will gradually go away and then disappear forever if you become a happier person- take it from me. <br />
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If you have a small social circle and a small social life, make efforts to make more friends and get out more often. If you are depressed, talk to someone like a nonjudgmental friend or a shrink about it. If you aren't happy at work or school, examine why. Perhaps try immersing yourself in hobbies or sports and exercise. That's a good way to beat depression.

You are more valuable than you are allowing yourself to be. You are filled with inner pain and it feels really good to be in control & make yourself hurt by cutting yourself. No one knows, right, and this is part of the power you get from the cutting. Get help. There are other ways to express all that inner pain without hurting yourself. I used to punch brick walls, or anything that was hard. I would hit until I had painfully swollen hands and knuckles. Then I'd hit again just to get my inner rage out. A counsellor told me to hit pillows and gave me a padded bat to swing. She told me to go to a field & scream until I got everything out. This did not work because I felt no physical pain upon myself. So I'd hit again. The hitting got so bad that it did not work anymore, so I cut myself..once. I used a hacksaw to try to saw through my veins in my wrists...but I was able to stop & get help. <br />
When I talk about these experiences now with my counsellor, I feel that rage all over again. He watches my body language & asks me what is happening, what I am feeling. He gets me to sit with those feelings, then breathe through them until I calm down. He is a great help.<br />
I hope you can get a counsellor like mine. Dealing with the things that caused you to hurt so badly that you cut yourself is the only way to rid yourself of them....once and for all. You were hurt so you hurt yourself and you think no one understands or cares. I understand, and I care about you.<br />
Seek help because you are a worthwhile person who deserves to be treated with respect & love. There is victory. I know because I am experiencing it...one small step at a time.

I am an ex-cutter. I cut for the same reasons as you. All the pain inside doesn't make sense, so you try to make it physical. When you cut, you hurt, and you hurt for a reason. I cut myself from highschool, all the way up til about 2 years ago. I have hideous scars on my legs. Nobody ever knew, except a boyfriend or two and they really didn't help. I don't what kind of medication you are on, but I got help and was told that it isn't treatable by medication, its a personality disorder...a borderline personality and that the ONLY way to make it stop is to change your personality. To deal with those inner demons we ALL have. To face them head on and move on. Something is causing your inner suffering. Only you can pinpoint it, and begin the process of healing. Its long and its difficult, but maybe if you see a counselor or psychologist they can give you some ideas. I just sat in my room and went one by one through all of the horrible things that I have been through. I closed my eyes, went back to that place. Felt what I felt. Cried, punched my pillow, but I sat there as long as it took. And I wanted to cut while I was doing that, but I refused to move. I then said, Ok, it happened, I felt scared, horrible, whatever and its in the past. I can live there or I can move forward with what I learned from that experience. I can have a happy life or a crappy life...the beauty of it is you get to choose. <br />
Its a long road and it sucks, but I understand completely. Please get help. You are a beautiful person that deserves to be have a happy, healthy life! It will get better, but you have to decided you want it to get better and take the necessary steps to make it better.<br />
Lots of luck and many blessings be upon you!